The Mother Of All Guesses

, , , , | Right | May 10, 2020

I’m working in a major retailer just before Mother’s Day. A customer approaches me carrying two watches.

Customer: “Which of these watches would my mother like best?”

Me: “Um… Sir? I’m sorry, but I don’t know your mother, so I wouldn’t have a clue.”

Customer: “Well, make your best guess!”

Me: “Um… sure.” *Points to a watch* “That one.”

With that, the customer smiled and went on his way. I do hope his mother liked the gift I picked out.

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This Husband Sure Is A Potty Mouth

, , , , , | Romantic | May 10, 2020

My husband is washing dishes and I feel compelled to come up behind him and give him a hug. What can I say? Men doing dishes just do it for me.

Me: “I could really just stand here and hug you all day.”

Hubby: “That would be fine with me.”

Me: “You’re very accommodating.”

Hubby: “That’s me. A giant commode.”

The hug was then interrupted by me nearly falling down laughing. Dumb jokes: that is why I married the man.

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What Came First: The Idiot Or The Egg?

, , , | Right | May 9, 2020

A man comes through my line with organic eggs. I ring it up.

Customer: “That’s not the right price. These eggs should be a dollar sixty-nine.”

That is the price for the cheap eggs.

Me: “These aren’t the [Cheap Brand]; these are the organic eggs, sir.”

I call over the management because I figure it is going to get complicated. We all know it is the right price, but we go through all the motions and the manager goes to check it. While they’re double-checking the price, the customer persists.

Customer: “I know the price; they were a dollar sixty-nine. I am a mathematical genius.”

I didn’t say it, but I thought to myself, “You might be a mathematical genius, but you sure as h*** can’t read.”

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The Golden Rule Doesn’t Apply To Teachers

, , , , , , , | Learning | May 7, 2020

I’m teaching a class that has suddenly been moved from being held on campus to being held exclusively online. It’s been a rough transition for most of us and I’ve made the due dates very flexible, more like suggestions than hard deadlines. This particular week, we have a multiple-choice quiz due on Wednesday and a one-page paper due on Friday. The quiz’s due date is fairly strict because I post an answer key the next day.

On Monday, I receive an email from a student apologizing for last week’s paper being late, asking if they can still turn it in, and asking for an extension on this week’s paper. I email back that it’s fine that they’re late; there will be no penalty for late work and they should just finish both when they’re able.

On Thursday afternoon, I receive an email from the same student, saying, “I passed in the quiz yesterday and it hasn’t been graded yet. Why hasn’t it been graded? When are you going to grade it? I passed it in yesterday.”

I guess I don’t get the same consideration for extensions.

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Milking Your Birthday For All It’s Worth

, , , , , , | Related | May 5, 2020

My birthday falls during a global health crisis. Grocery stores are limiting the number of customers coming in at one time, certain items are selling out quickly, and everyone is encouraged to stay home unless you absolutely need to go out.

I am a young adult living on my own, and my mother likes to help me out any way she can. During this time, she cooks dinners for her and my father, and a couple of times a week she will either drop off a dinner to me on her way home from work or have me drive by and pick it up off the front step — social distance dinners.

We have a phone call on my birthday. Mom and Dad sing the birthday song.

Me: “Thanks!”

Mom: “I’m sad we can’t celebrate your birthday in person!”

Me: “Yeah, I know. Me, too, but it’s okay.”

Mom: “I know it’s okay, but I still want to spend time with you. I birthed you!”

Dad: “Have you gone to the grocery store a lot?”

Me: “No. I have a lot of canned, boxed, and frozen food. I go to the convenience store for milk or cheese.”

Mom: “Well, we’re going to [Club Warehouse] tomorrow, so we could pick stuff up for you, if you want. Milk is way cheaper there.”

Me: “Sure, but I wouldn’t be able to drink a whole gallon before it went bad.”

Mom: “How about this: you can come over and pick up your birthday dinner, and Dad and I will drink some of the milk beforehand.”

Me: *Laughs* “Okay, sure. I know you guys like skim, but is it okay if you get 1%?”

Dad: “Wow, that’s a big ask.”

Mom: “Oh, I don’t know…”

Me: “It’s okay, I was just wondering. I like skim, too.”

Mom: “Oh, my gosh. Of course, we’ll get 1%.”

Dad: “Yeah, ‘Happy birthday; here’s a half-drunk gallon of milk you don’t want.’”

Mom: “And I got you another birthday present, so don’t worry; it’s not just milk.”

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