Loose Lips Sink Ships… And Sometimes Give You Mono

, , , , , , , | Related | May 13, 2021

My sister is a freshman living away at college. She has been loving this newfound freedom, and one of her freedoms is “fooling around” with different guys.

My sister comes down with mononucleosis, AKA “the kissing disease”. My mom suspects that my sister has been seeing someone, but she doesn’t have any proof, and my sister certainly isn’t going to volunteer this information. This happens over the phone:

Mom: “How are you feeling?”

Sister: “Not great. The doctor said I have mono.”

Mom: “Really? Oh, no, that’s too bad.”

Sister: “He just told me to take some ibuprofen and rest a lot.”

Mom: “Good advice. Let your professors know you’ll be out.”

Sister: “I will.”

Mom: “So, what was his name?”

Sister: “What? Who?”

Mom: “Who gave it to you? What was his name?”


Mom: “No, she didn’t tell me anything… but you just did.”

Years later, my sister finds it hilarious that my mom can figure out information like that. My mom thought that was a high point in her mom-sleuthing career.

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Something Fishy About Why He’s Buying Them

, , , , , | Right | May 12, 2021

A staff member calls me to the front to deal with an unruly customer. He’s trying to get his own fish while she’s helping another customer. He grabs his own specimen container bags from under our fish cupboard and has elastics already.

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “I want the buy-three-get-one-free fish.”

I can see he is high by his demeanor and behavior, but no big deal; people come in high all the time.

Me: “What type of tank do you have?”

Customer: “I just bought a reptile online and need to feed it.” 

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, these aren’t feeder fish. They are bred for pets and we can only sell them if they are going to be housed in the appropriate husbandry.”

Customer: “I don’t want your f****** feeder fish; I want these f****** fish.”

Me: “Sir, please stop cursing at me. I am happy to help you by selling you feeder fish for your reptile.”

Customer: “Who the f*** are you to tell me I can’t buy these f****** fish?” 

Me: “Sir, please stop cursing at me. I am willing to sell you feeder fish. These are bred as pets…”

Customer: “What’s your f****** name?” 

Me: “[My Name].”

Customer: “What’s your last name?”

Me: “You don’t need that, sir; they’ll know who I am.”

Customer: “Are you the store leader?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I sure am.”

Customer: “I’m f****** calling to complain that you wouldn’t f****** sell me fish.”

Me: “No problem, sir. At this point, I am going to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “Oh, I am f****** leaving.”

Me: “Oh, and sir, when you call, please make sure you tell them you were buying these fish as feeders. And have a wonderful day.”

Customer: “F*** you.”

Oh, fine, sir. Tonight’s cocktail will be dedicated to your hungry lizard.

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Don’t You Speak Asian?, Part 4

, , , , , | Right | May 11, 2021

I’m a pharmacy tech who works in a retail setting with lots of non-English-speaking customers. Most of the techs I work with can speak more than two languages. I only speak English. I can understand Chinese but can’t speak or read it, but I know how it looks compared with Japanese or Korean. One day, a customer comes up to me with a list written in Chinese and starts communicating with me. I pull out my phone to translate to her that I don’t know how to help her since I don’t know what exactly she is looking for. She walks away.

Five minutes later, she comes back with one of the assistant managers.

Assistant Manager: “[My Name], do you understand Asian handwriting?”

She shows me the list again.

Me: “Asian handwriting?”

Assistant Manager: “Yes, you know handwriting that comes from Asian?”

Me: “No, I don’t understand Asian handwriting!”

They both walked away and I was left standing there wondering what had just happened.

Don’t You Speak Asian?, Part 3
Don’t You Speak Asian?, Part 2
Don’t You Speak Asian?

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No Doctor Can Save Her From That Entitlement

, , , , , | Right | May 2, 2021

I’m in the checkout line behind another customer. While her payment is being processed, the customer takes out her phone and begins a phone conversation.

Cashier: “Ma’am, would you like your items in paper or plastic?”

She waves him off, speaking on the phone.

Customer: “What was that?”

The cashier bags the items in plastic.

Cashier: “Would you like your receipt?”

The customer grabs the bags, still on the phone.

Customer: “Could you repeat that?”

Cashier: “Would you like your receipt?”

Customer: *Into the phone* “Hold on a minute.” *To the cashier* “EXCUSE ME! I am on the phone with my doctor! I would appreciate it if you would stop interrupting me! This is important!

She continues her phone conversation. The cashier then hands the woman her receipt. She grabs it, points to her card still on his side of the counter, and snatches it from his hands when he hands it to her. She storms out. I walk up to the counter feeling bad for the cashier.

Me: “Wow. I’m so sorry. I have no idea what her problem was. You must be having a really long day.”

Cashier: *Sighs* “Every day is a long day. Do you have your rewards card?”

My transaction went smoothly, but I still feel bad for that cashier. He handled it so well and was very patient and courteous. I filled out the email survey they sent me commending him.

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Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 3

, , , , , | Right | May 2, 2021

I witness a customer go to a self-checkout machine that has “NO CASH” written on it. After they have rung their purchases in, they start shoving their cash into any crevice they can find.

Me: “It says, ‘NO CASH.’”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m just trying to find out where to put the cash.”

Me: “No, you can’t use cash.”

Customer: “I know, but I’m trying to find out where to put it.”

Me: “Nowhere, because the register doesn’t take cash.”

Customer: “Oh, there’s a sign saying, ‘NO CASH.’ Okay, then.”

They wandered off to the main checkout line.

Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 2
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself

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