(The gas station I work for has two full-service pumps. We often have to tell our patrons this, and that if they want to pump their own gas, they need to move. My coworker gets a customer at one of these pumps, and he obviously doesn’t speak very good English.)

Coworker: “Hi, there. Would you like full service?”

(The customer doesn’t understand and continues to try to pump his own gas.)

Coworker: “Sir, this pump is full-service only, and I need to pump for you, or you need to move.”

(The customer is frustrated at this point.)

Customer: “Here two dollar. You go away.”

(Still unsure if he ever got his gas.)

(It’s almost Halloween, and that means we get some crazy questions at our town hall. Most residents call our office for tax collections and treasury and treat it as if we are a general receptionist to field calls. These are the questions we usually get for the Halloween season.)

Customer #1: “When is Halloween?”

Employee: “The 31st.”

Customer #1: “Right, but is it, [day] or [day]?”

(Another fun conversation sample…)

Customer #2: “What time is trick-or-treating?”

Employee: “There isn’t a set time.”

Customer #2: “Well, how am I supposed to know when to go out?”

(And a few more…)

Customer #3: “Are the fireworks going to be at night or during the day?”

Customer #4: “Where can I go to get a trick-or-treating permit?”

Customer #5: “I am taking my kids to go trick-or-treating. Can I get a solicitor’s permit?”

Customer #6: “How much does trick-or-treating cost?”

(My little sister is just about at that age where she is learning about sex and starting to ask questions about it. One day my dad and I are watching a show with her when, out of the blue, this happens.)

Sister: “[My Name], what do they call it when a boy puts his thingy inside the girl’s thingy?”

Me: *sputters, looking for an answer*

Dad: “Intercourse!”

Sister: “Oh, I get it! Because it goes in, of course!”

(I’m watching the movie “Secondhand Lions” with my brother and sister. The movie gets to a scene where Robert Duvall’s character gets into a fight with some greasers and Michael Caine’s character holds the goons at bay with a shotgun.)

Sister: *starts laughing*

Me: “What’s so funny?”

Sister: “That’s going to be you two when you’re in your seventies.”

Brother & Me: “Please, like we’d ever move to Texas.”

(We look at each other and laugh.)

Sister: “It’s really scary how in-sync you two are.”

Me: “*NSYNC?” *In Obi-wan voice* “There’s a name…”

Brother: *in the same voice* “…I haven’t heard in a long time.”

Sister: “Stop doing that! How did we get from Michael Caine to boybands anyway?”

Brother: “I don’t know, but now I want to see that movie.”

Me: “Michael Caine as the manager of a boy band, or as the lead singer?”

Brother: “Both. Both are good.”

(I decide to stop by the sandwich shop on campus for lunch today. I’m a really picky eater, and I hate lettuce and tomato.)

Me: “Can I get the chicken bacon ranch sandwich? And no lettuce or tomato?”

Cashier: “Sure thing.”

(She puts in my order and both the screen and my receipt say, “Hold lettuce, hold tomato.” I pay and go wait for my food. But when I get the sandwich, there’s a problem.)

Me: “Um, excuse me? This has lettuce on it, and I asked for no lettuce.”

Worker: “Oh, sorry about that! I’ll remake it for you.”

(After a few minutes he makes eye-contact with me and gestures for me to come over.)

Worker: “While I was making it, I accidentally put ranch on it. Is that okay?”

Me: “Uh, yeah, it’s a chicken bacon ranch sandwich.”

(He finishes the sandwich and walks away. This time, not only is there lettuce on it, but also tomato. I go to the cashier this time, more than a little frustrated.)

Me: *after explaining what happened and showing her my receipt* “Can you please have someone else make it? I just want the sandwich, no veggies.”

(This time, a different worker made my sandwich and checked that I want no veggies. She made my sandwich in seconds, correctly this time. The sandwich wasn’t even very good.)