Life Is Stranger Than Fiction

, , , , | Right | December 23, 2010

Customer: “I’m looking for a book about a football player.”

Me: “Do you know the title or author?”

Customer: “It’s about a kid who plays football.”

Me: “Is it fiction or nonfiction?”

Customer: “Which is the real one?”

Me: “You mean which is a true story?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Nonfiction books are true stories. Is it a biography or autobiography?”

Customer: *exasperated* “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Biographies are written by someone else about a person; autobiographies are written by the person themselves.”

Customer: “I doubt he wrote it; he’s a football player. Do you know how many hits those guys take to the head?!”

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Sabotage By Numbers

, , , , , | Right | December 22, 2010

(We have a rewards program that mails out free coupons for shopping. We need to verify each customer’s account in order for them to earn their coupons. There are two customers in my line, one young woman, and behind her one middle-aged woman.)

Me: “Do you receive your coupons?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, I think so.”

Me: “All right, what’s your phone number?”

Customer #1: “Oh, it’s–”

Customer #2: “You don’t have to give that, you know.”

([Customer #1] looks confused.)

Me: “Well, we need to look you up so that you get credit for the purchase and get your discounts. I can look it up by mail or email if you’d prefer. Which do you get?”

Customer #1: “I get–”

Customer #2: “Nope. Don’t do it. That’s how they find you. They find your PIN numbers and bra size that way.”

Customer #1: “I… um.”

Me: “We don’t need your bra size.”

Customer #1: “Well, let’s just skip it. I can’t remember what I get. It’s fine.”

(I finish the transaction and [Customer #2] approaches.)

Me: “So, I’m guessing you don’t get coupons, either.”

Customer #2: “Of course I do. I just didn’t want her to use them all before I got here. And I’m a 34B.”

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A Bit Grey With Anatomy, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | December 14, 2010

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(A girl begins to choke on some bread. The mother then proceeds to try and give the daughter some bizarre imitation of the Heimlich Manoeuvre.)

Me: “Ma’am, wait for her to stop coughing before you help her.”

Customer: “What? She’ll die by then!”

Me: “I’m certified in CPR; I know what I’m talking about. It’s not an emergency until she can’t cough. When she can’t cough anymore, I can help her.”

(The customer is now basically punching her daughter in the stomach, and I’m becoming increasingly worried that she is going to injure her. Suddenly, the girl stops coughing.)

Customer: “See, I didn’t need your help. And you know what? I’m certified, too. I watch Grey’s Anatomy every time it’s on!”

This story is part of our dangerous parents roundup!

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Picking On Pockets

, , , , , | Right | December 13, 2010

Customer: “Two white wines, please.”

Me: “Sure thing. Your total will be [total].”

Customer: “That’s a little steep. I bet you’re lining your pockets.”

(I look down at my uniform, which is a black cocktail dress.)

Me: “Sir, I don’t have pockets.”

Customer: “Touché.”

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Hannah Montana, I Choose You

, , , , | Right | December 10, 2010

Me: “Excuse me, do you need help?”

Customer: “Yes, actually. Would you happen to know what a good game for a seven-year-old boy? I need a present for my grandson.”

Me: “Well, you could always go with a classic Mario or Pokémon game.”

Customer: “What are those about?”

(I give a very general description, explaining the basics of the concepts since she is obviously new to video games.)

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Those sound very violent to me.”

Me: “Well, they’re very popular games, especially among young boys.”

Customer: *thinks for a moment* “No, I think those games are too violent. I’ll just get him this one.”

(She picked up the latest Hannah Montana game for the DS and walked off.)

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