Happy New Year, Like Gosh!

, , , , , | Friendly | December 31, 2014

(My birthday is in December. The year ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ comes out, I spend WEEKS emphatically telling my mother’s fiancé that I have no interest in the movie and don’t want it. For my birthday, he gives me ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ on DVD. I toss it in a corner and do my best to forget about it, but when he visits for New Year’s, he insists we (him, myself, my mother, my sister, and my girlfriend) watch it. I submit because I can’t stand the idea of ever actually arguing with him, but I do not enjoy the movie at all, and am irritated and restless throughout. As midnight approaches, we pause the movie to watch the ball drop in New York.)

Girlfriend: *looking at me as we turn the movie off* “I have never seen as much hate in your eyes as I see right now.”

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Best Customer, No Question

, , , | Working | July 21, 2014

Associate: “Hi, any questions?”

Me: “No, just browsing.”

Associate: “Really? No questions? What’s my favorite color? What’s the capital of Iceland?”

Me: “Reykjavik.”

Associate: *high-fives me* “You are the first person to get that! You’re my favorite customer!”

(Gotta say, I left the store feeling pretty good after that.)

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Ah, Mothers, Part 8

, , , | Right | September 1, 2013

(I am a student, and I babysit for money. On Mondays, I take the little boy I watch to the playground for a few hours and helicopter around him in case he hurts himself. A mother at the park approaches me.)

Mother: “You know, I just want to tell you: I see you here every Monday and I think it’s just great that you are such a hands-on young mother.”

Me: “Oh! I’m not his mother! I’m just his babysitter. But thank you anyway!”

Mother: “Sweetie, you don’t need to be embarrassed! You should embrace being a great mom, especially at such a young age. I can’t even imagine what its like for you as a single mom in your early 20s!”

Me: “Uhm, really, I am not his mother. I am just his babysitter. But I’m flattered you think I am doing a great job caring for him!”

(The mother walks away to the sand box area, where other mothers are sitting just within ear shot.)

Mother: “You ladies will not believe this! That girl over there is trying to claim that that baby is not hers! Some people! I wonder if her parents have brainwashed her in to thinking it’s their baby. There are some really crazy people out there huh?”


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Must Have Been Feeling Lucky

, , , , | Learning | July 15, 2013

(My English teacher has an odd sense of humor. Class is about to start, and students are entering the classroom. Student #1, dressed in all black with heavy chains, walks into the room.)

Teacher: “Hey, [Student #1].”

(Student #2, wearing a short plaid skirt, knee-high boots, and wristbands, walks into the room.)

Teacher: “How ya doin’, [Student #2]?”

(I walk into the room, wearing a modest, solid-color t-shirt, plain jeans, and simple sneakers.)

Teacher: “I’ve got my eye on you, punk.”

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He’s A Two Timer

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 3, 2013

(It’s Christmas Eve, and my boyfriend and I are visiting my parents before he goes to work for the evening. All of the family’s presents are stacked under the tree, including a plush that I’ve been begging for. It’s in plain sight with a gold star — representing his medal — right on his chest.)

Me: *upon seeing the plush* “Oh, awesome.”

Boyfriend: “Aw, crap. Is that the plush you wanted?”

Me: “Yep! I’m betting that’s from my sister since we were kind of coordinating that.”

Boyfriend: “So… you like it a lot, right?”

Me: “Uh, yeah?”

Boyfriend: “Enough that you’d want two?”

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