(One of our cosmetics counters has a fine, cosmetic-quality glitter on sale after the holidays. One customer buys a dozen large containers. As she is leaving the store, she trips, her bag flies out of her hand, and three of the containers shatter on impact. Our maintenance tries to clean it up with a broom, but the glitter spreads, settling into the grout cracks of the tile over a wide area. They call me, the store manager, down to see if the cleanup was sufficient.)

Me: “Well, if all the glass and tripping hazard is cleaned up, it should be okay, just a little extra sparkly.”

Customer: “It’s not okay!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “It’s not okay! You can’t just leave that glitter there! It’s so bad for the environment.”

Me: “It seems fine. Besides, I don’t even know how we would clean it up…”

Maintenance: “I mean, I could get into the grout with a cotton swab to clean it?”

Me: “Yeah, we aren’t doing that.”

Customer: “No, look, my friend found an article on how bad glitter is for the environment on Facebook. Let me find it. Hold on! Here. Read that. That’s how bad glitter is for you.”

(I skim the article to humor her, then thank her and leave with maintenance.)

Maintenance: “So, you want me to clean the grout?”

Me: “Nah. I don’t know how we could hurt the ‘environment’ inside a mall any more than by wasting cleaning supplies and throwing the glitter into the watershed. It’s just sparkle grout now.”

(I work at a small public library. This is a phone conversation.)

Me: “Public library, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you have [Specific Book]?”

(I search the card catalog and discover we have a copy on the shelf.)

Me: “We apparently have a copy on the shelf.”

Customer: “Great! I’d like to come and pick it up.”

Me: “All right. Would you like me to make sure it’s here before you head in?”

Customer: “Sure, that would be great.”

(I go to the shelf, quickly find the book, and return to the desk.)

Me: “All right, I have the book. Can I have your name to reserve it, and when will you be in the pick it up?”

Customer: *gives me his name* “We are eating at the [Pizza Place] right now, so I’ll be there in about an hour.”

(The [Pizza Place] is literally next door to the library.)

Me: “Yummy! I’m totally jealous. Well, enjoy your food and I’ll see you in a bit. I’ll keep the book at the desk for you.”

Customer: “Great, thank you!”

(About an hour later, a man and woman come in. The man is carrying a [Pizza Place] box. I immediately grab the book, figuring it has to be the same person I spoke with.)

Me: “Hi! Are you [Customer], here to pick up [Specific Book]?”

Customer: “I am. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it!”

Me: “No problem; I’m here to help.”

(I go through the process of checking out the book and give it to the customer.)

Me: “Have a great night!”

Customer: *puts the pizza box down on the desk* “Here, this is for you!”

(I just look at him, shocked.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You were so helpful, and my wife and I wanted to thank you, so we got you a pizza. It’s just cheese; we weren’t sure what you liked.”

(I’m not sure what to say. Usually, the most anyone ever does is say thank you, if I’m lucky.)

Me: “You didn’t have to do that. Thank you so much!”

Customer: “It’s the least we could do. My son needs this book for a school project and waited until the last moment; you saved the day.”

Me: “Well, I’m glad to help!”

(Thank you, sir! You made my day.)

(At our store, when the chain stops carrying an item but we still have some in stock for a long time afterward, the price of the item is adjusted to one cent before the inventory manager actually goes around to collect the items and destroy them. We have one customer who must either spend all his time on our website looking for these things or he has some program set up to do it for him, because he orders almost every single one of them for in-store pickup before we can actually dispose of them. Furthermore, one-cent items are all he ever buys. He has probably bought hundreds of things over several years, and in that entire time, he has only paid the store a few dollars. Today, he gets mad at us because we can’t find some batteries he ordered. We have offered him some other, equivalent batteries at half-price to make up for it. This conversation is between him and one of the managers.)

Customer: “It’s not right! I ordered four cents’ worth of batteries and your worker tried to make me spend ten dollars, instead!”

Manager: “Mhmm. She assumed you actually needed the batteries and tried to find the least expensive substitute for you.”

Customer: “She’s trying to rob me for her own commission! Your customer service here just keeps getting worse. Give these to me for the same price as the ones I ordered.”

Manager: “We can’t do that, since that is less than we paid for them. We would be losing money.”

Customer: “Well, I’m just going to take my business to [Online Retailer] from now on!”

Manager: “Go for it. Good luck finding one-cent items there.”

(There is a man standing at the edge of a parking lot that has three or four fast food places. His clothes are tattered, he looks a little worse for the wear, and he has a cardboard sign that says “hungry” or “need food” or something along those lines. I’m going through the drive-thru to get an iced coffee, so I buy a $5 gift card. I pull up next to the man and give him the gift card in a little envelope with the receipt.)

Man: “Thank you so much.”

Me: “You’re welcome. It’s just a $5 gift card to the coffee place.”

Man: “Oh… I need like $40 to pay my rent.”

Me: “…”

Man: “…”

(He caught me so off guard, I just closed my window and drove away.)

(We catch a shoplifter, and while we wait for police, I’m catching up on mall gossip with my friend who is a mall security guard.)

Friend: “I got threatened with a lawsuit today.”

Me: “You personally, or the mall?”

Friend: “Both. Guy fell off of a toilet seat and hit his head.”

Me: “Off?”

Friend: “Yup, he stood on the seat to see what the guy in the next stall was doing.”

Me: “Why?”

Friend: “He said it sounded like he was using too much toilet paper, and he wanted to see what was going on. Guy in the next stall heard, looked up, and saw him looking over the wall. He yelled, and the other guy slipped and fell.”

Me: “So… why did he threaten you with a lawsuit?”

Friend: “He said I wasn’t doing my job and looking out for perverts in the bathroom.”

Me: “Like, perverts who stare over the divider between toilets?”

Friend: “No, like perverts who use too much TP when pooping, apparently.”