When She Gets Home She Will Reign Down On You

, , , , | Related | June 6, 2017

(The summer of 2013 was pretty tough on my family. My dad lost his job and was unemployed for three months (April through July), and when I graduated college in May, I had nothing lined up. I had to apply anywhere I could get some work; this ended up being the local burrito place. Dad no longer had a vehicle as his transport had been the company vehicle, and I had no car of my own, so we were heavily dependent on public transportation. Sometimes my dad would walk up to the nearby bus stop to meet me so he could get some exercise. One afternoon, I called him as I left the shop.)

Me: “Hey, Dad, you walking up to meet me today?”

Dad: “You’re a big girl, honey; I think you can manage it yourself for this time.”

Me: *rolling my eyes but not letting it come through in my voice* “Okay, then I’ll see you at home in about 90 minutes.”

(The bus ride was uneventful, but as we drove, I began to notice the sky getting more and more gray. No worries, I thought, surely I would beat the storm home. I got off the bus at the closest stop to my house (about 30 minutes by foot) — and within five minutes, the sky opened up. My purse wasn’t large enough to carry an umbrella, so I trudged home with the rain soaking me to the skin. When I got home, my father at least had the decency to look ashamed of himself.)

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A Tidy Compliment

, , , | Friendly | June 6, 2017

(My friend walks into my family’s house.)

Friend: “Oh! Did you re-decorate?”

Me: “No, we cleaned up.”

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Ruining Their Goodwill

, , , | Right | June 2, 2017

(I work in a store that specializes in reselling used, vintage, and high end products. This leads to many people trying to sell us their used junk that they either do not know is worthless, or are trying to con us into buying. I’m working in my office when I see a customer come in with an old and used product in his hand. I overhear him trying to strong-arm my coworker into buying the item from him. My coworker and I are both proficiently knowledgeable in our field.)

Customer: “Hey, man, this is a one-of-a-kind item! You’ll never find anything like this! You have to buy it from me!”

Coworker: “Well… It’s just, that isn’t something we’d be able to sell.”

Customer: “Trust me, your boss will be mad if you let me leave without you buying this! You’d have to be an idiot to let this go! It’s been in my family for generations and is a priceless antique. You need to buy this!”

Coworker: “Well, what were you looking to sell it for?”

Customer: “This? Are you kidding? It’s got to be worth at least $1,500! I mean, I told you, it’s a vintage, one-of-a-kind piece! You’ll never see one of these again.”

(At this point, I can see the item in the customer’s hand over the security feed and I know it’s not worth more than maybe a few hundred dollars from first glance. Surely not as much as the customer is claiming. So I walk up front to intervene.)

Me: “Hey, do you guys need any help up here?”

Customer: “Oh, yes! A woman will be able to tell how priceless this item is! Can’t you see how exquisite the details are on this?! It’s worth at least $2,000!”

Me: “And, I couldn’t help but overhear; did you say this has been in your family for generations?”

Customer: “Yes! Very priceless heirloom!”

Me: “Huh… That’s funny. I’m pretty sure I saw this exact item at Goodwill the other day when I was browsing. Look, it even has the small mark on the back where they had the price sticker!”

Customer: “How dare you! This is an antique! It is worth thousands of dollars! You know nothing, you ignorant little cow! What could a woman possibly know about something as valuable as this!”

Me: “Sir, the detailing that you are mentioning is actually a decal, as we can see by the corners where it is beginning to peel off, and is not in fact the level of craftsmanship you’re trying to make us believe. Not only that, but this particular model only came out about 20 years ago, and it was a knock-off version of a very expensive model from around 80 years ago. I know this based on the misspelling of the brand name pictured on the front. With all that taken into consideration, this item would have been worth about $200. However, it has been damaged profusely and not taken care of, which is probably why someone simply donated it to Goodwill, as you could only expect to get about $30 for this particular item in its current state.”

(By this point other customers have begun to watch the exchange.)

Me: “Now, is there anything else I can help you with today?”

(And with that the customer stormed out, thankfully never to be seen again in our store.)

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A Model Employee

, , , | Romantic | May 31, 2017

(I work in a computer store in a department where we sell computer parts. We assist customers in picking out parts and sometimes assist with actually putting the computer together as well. Assisting a customer with a complete build is a long process, and often takes a few hours — sometimes a few hours on multiple days. I have been working with this one customer for two hours at this point, and until now he has been completely normal. We have parts for nearly the entire build picked out, and the only thing left is a wireless card, because he wants his desktop to have wi-fi.)

Customer: “Have you ever been a model?”

Me: “No, not really—”

Customer: “You should be a model.”

Me: “Haha. I’m not interested in—”

Customer: “I’m an artist.”

(I don’t respond. This customer has quickly been getting creepier. For some reason, he changes his entire way of speaking when this exchange begins. He starts speaking more nasally, and elongating the vowels in words. Plus, he cuts me off when I respond to him.)

Customer: “I’m an artist. You should let me draw you.”

Me: “Sir, I’m really not interested–”

Customer: “I can pay you 50 dollars to come to my studio. I have clothes for you, but you wouldn’t have to wear any.”

(While he’s saying this, a coworker, also a woman, happens to come across us and addresses him.)

Coworker: “Sir—”

Customer: “Ugh, I don’t want YOU. Whatever.”

(He turned and left in a huff. He didn’t buy anything, of course.)

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Sex With Real Bite

, , , , | Learning | May 31, 2017

Health Teacher: “What is the most important sexual organ?”

Student: “Teeth?”

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