What A Complete Waist

, , , , | Romantic | September 2, 2017

(My boyfriend, his parents, and I are at a Japanese steakhouse, waiting for the chef to finish the food. Somehow we get to the topic of Disney princesses and their body figures.)

Me: “I just think a lot of them have unrealistic waists, like Jasmine. I wish they looked more like actual women.”

Boyfriend: “Women could achieve those waistlines though.”

Me: “Not like the princesses; that’s impossible. Yeah, I do wish my waist was like that, but it’s not likely.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, your waist is HUGE!”

(Silence. His mother turns to us.)

Mother: “In the process of thinking that and saying it out loud, did you ever realize that maybe that was stupid?”

Boyfriend: “I just meant… you know… you both have large waists…”

(His father groans and the chef winces.)

Chef: “Now both women are mad. God have mercy on you.”

The Silence Of The Pigs

, , , | Related | August 24, 2017

(I’m playing with my two-month-old son, and I decide to take advantage of the fact that he can’t process language yet.)

Me: “This little piggy went to market… This little piggy stayed home… This little piggy had pork chops… This little piggy called the cops…”

My Wife: *mother of all death glares*

If Only He Could Hear Himself

, , , , | Right | August 23, 2017

(I have “Deaf friendly” on my nametag. After a customer, who is maybe in his fifties, and I have an ENTIRELY VERBAL conversation, at the end of the transaction he stops me directly in the middle of my “have a good day,” and we engage in the following:)

Me: “Okay, have a good da—”

Man: “Can you hear me?”

Me: “Wh… what?”

Man: “CAN YOU HEAR ME WHEN I AM SPEAKING? DO YOU HEAR ME TALKING RIGHT NOW?”

Me: “What?! I can hear you, yeah…”

Man: “You’re not deaf?”

Me: “What?”

Man: “ARE YOU DEAF?”

Me: “Uh, no, I’m hearing. I can hear you right now.”

Man: “But your nametag says ‘DEAF friendly.’ You’re not deaf?”

Me: “No, I know ASL and am also an interpreting student.”

Man: “Well, that’s not right; you should specify you’re hearing. That way people won’t think you’re a… deaf person.”

Me: “I’m confused, I’m sorry.”

Man: “You should write ‘hearing’ on your nametag so people don’t misunderstand your confusing nametag.”

Me: “So you want me to publicly announce my hearing status on my nametag, rather than have me keep my current one, which indicates I can communicate in another language if needed?”

Man: “Well… I don’t know. So you’re NOT deaf, right?”

Me: No, sir.”

Man: “Ok, see ya!”

(This… this is a horror story to put in the books. He was rude about it and was serious about my nametag suggestion… Too funny to NOT share!)

A Library Of Unreasonable Requests

, , , , | Right | August 22, 2017

(You would be amazed at just how many people come to the library expecting a full range of services that don’t fall in our scope of expertise, and then get mad when we tell them we can’t do it. My guess is that because we’re free, and the services they want aren’t, they think they can circumvent us.)

Customer: *with a strong Eastern European accent* “I want get computer.”

Me: “Okay, sure. Just scan your library card at that machine and one should be assigned to you in 0-10 minutes.”

Customer: “No, I want get computer and then I want you help me with visa.”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I bringing friends to America and I want to make sure their visas are right.” *takes out a 30-page document* “Here. I want you to look at each page to make sure it done right.”

(For the record, we’re not supposed to hold anyone’s hand while they work on a project, both because we don’t have time, and because we’re not necessarily qualified. I quickly flip through the document anyway, in the hopes it will convince him to leave.)

Me: “It looks good to me, sir.”

Customer: “No… I want you come with me and help me with visa all way!”

Me: “We’re not immigration attorneys, sir. And we’re not supposed to give that kind of time.”

Customer: “So that’s it?! You won’t help?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that’s the best I can tell you.”

Customer: “Where your supervisor?! I want talk your supervisor!”

Me: “He’s on the third floor, but I don’t think he’ll tell you anything different.”

(He stomped off angrily. I paged my boss to let him know he’s coming. I never heard back from my boss or the customer, so I can only assume he told the customer the same thing. Pro-tip: A library is a place to gain public information about anything, or a place to get your books. It is not a law office, a medical clinic, a bar, a brothel, a homeless shelter, a public bathhouse, a public storage facility, or a free daycare service. Please do not treat us like one.)

You Can Get There Via Wardrobe

, , , , | Related | August 6, 2017

(My 20-year-old son is bragging to his younger sister and me about how he knows the geography of other countries, and isn’t a stupid American.)

Son: “And I know all the Canadian Provinces! There’s Newfoundland, Prince Caspian….”

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