Good Thing They Didn’t Weight Any Longer

, , , , , , | Working | November 28, 2017

(I am about ten years old. My family has just returned from a two-week vacation and my mom, sister, and I are picking up our dog from a boarding kennel. Though we have boarded her many times before, this is the first time using this particular facility. When the employee brings out our dog, she is noticeably thinner.)

Mom: “How come she looks so thin?”

Employee: “She ran out of food.”

(My mom left some food with her when we dropped her off, assuming it would last.)

Mom: “You didn’t feed her? Why didn’t someone call me? You could have bought more and charged it to me. This is ridiculous!”

Employee: “Ma’am, you should have left more food with her. You only gave her enough to last a week and a half.”

Mom: “She’s been without food for three days?! Look. I’m sorry. I thought I had enough, but surely someone could have called or something. There was no reason for her to starve!”

(My mom paid and left. We subsequently weighed the dog and found that she had lost three pounds; a lot for a 17-pound dog. I know my mom made a mistake, but they at least could have called or fed the dog and charged us when we picked her up. I’m not sure, but my mom may have reported them. We certainly never returned there.)

Offensive Enough To Cause Injury

, , , , , , | Right | November 21, 2017

(One of my employees, a high-school-aged girl, is walking home from her shift on Saint Patrick’s day when she is hit by a drunk driver. She returns to work a week later, battered but in good spirits. During her first shift back, I hear yelling coming from the fitting room, and an irate customer comes storming out.)

Customer: “Your corporate’s number, now!”

(As I’m writing down the info, I see my high school employee sobbing and leaving the fitting room.)

Me: “I’m the manager on duty, ma’am; may I ask what the issue is you want to speak to corporate about?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you let punks like that work here! Gobs of black eyeliner! Facial piercings! This used to be a respectable place!”

Me: “Ma’am, my employee was injured. Those are bruises and metal staples put there by the hospital.”

Customer: “Excuses!”

(She snatched the slip out of my hand and stormed out. Corporate handed down a disciplinary write up to my employee for being out of dress code. I’ve been petitioning to have it overturned, but as her appearance offended a customer, it will probably stand and could risk her job.)

Lost And Found Your Body

, , , , , | Right | November 12, 2017

(A teenage girl comes into my craft booth, who I recognize from a previous visit.)

Me: “Welcome back!”

Girl: “Did you see a cell phone anywhere?”

Me: “No, but let’s look.”

(We check all around the booth and under tablecloths, but we don’t find a cell phone.)

Me: “Have you checked Lost and Found?”

Girl: “No, but I know I used it here; I sent a picture of that necklace.”

(She leaves, upset. A while later she comes in with a man, a phone in hand.)

Me: “Glad you found your cell phone!”

Girl: “No, this is my dad’s; I’m using a find-a-phone app. The phone should be making a loud noise.”

(The man starts looking under my tables, grumbling, so I help double-check the area. The whole time, he is glaring at me.)

Man: “Well, I don’t hear it, but they’ve probably put it somewhere muffled. Where the h*** is her phone?”

Me: “I hope she finds it.”

(Suddenly he gets in my face, angry.)

Man: “Look, she had it here. You’re going to give me back my daughter’s phone.”

Me: “I don’t have it.”

Man: “I know you stole her phone. Give it back.”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry she lost it. Have you checked Lost and Found?”

(Suddenly he knocks over a display, grabbing my shirt.)

Man: “Listen, you little [gay slur]. If you don’t give me her phone, they aren’t going to find your body!”

Me: “Help! Help!”

(Luckily, one of the police officers at the event is nearby and comes over immediately. The man lets go of me when he sees the officer, but knocks over more displays. The man argues with the office, and is eventually put in handcuffs. I’m picking up my displays and assessing damages when the event organizer comes over to talk to the police and to me. When she hears the whole story, she looks at the daughter.)

Organizer: “Was it a [Phone] in a pink glitter case? Someone turned that into Lost and Found an hour ago.”

(That was it!)

Your Anniversary Is Wed-Locked

, , , , , , | Related | October 25, 2017

(I am having a conversation with my 92-year-old mother for my parents’ anniversary:)

Me: “Happy anniversary. Sorry I couldn’t reach you yesterday.”

Mom: “I don’t know where we were, but can you believe we’ve been married 73 years?”

Me: “74 years.”

Mom: “No, 73 years.”

Me: “[Sister] will be 73 in three weeks. Did you have her three weeks after you got married?”

Mom:No! We didn’t do it like that back then. Guess I’ve been married 74 years.”

At A Loss To Explain The Coin Loss

, , , , , | Right | October 7, 2017

(I’m in line behind a man who has just paid for his coffee with cash.)

Cashier: “Here’s your change, sir.” *it’s a few coins*

Customer: “You mean trash.”

(The customer takes the change, tosses it in the trash can, and walks off.)

Me: *to the cashier* “Geez, ever heard of a tip jar? I think it’s illegal to throw money away. Was it just pennies?”

Cashier: “It was 29 cents!”

Me: “So, he got a quarter! I would have gladly taken it.” *in a mocking voice* “I’m too good for coins; I only use bills.”

Barista: “That’s what happens when you have too much money.”

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