(My husband and I often visit a nearby convenience store that opened recently. Aside from being a gas station primarily, it also has a deli/food area with touch screens for ordering fresh-made food. We’re perusing the options when we see something new…)

Me: “Hey, pretzels! And pretzel bites!” *I tap on it and it gives more options* “This says ‘salt,’ and this one says ‘no salt.’”

Husband: “Can you tap them both?” *does so* “You can! It’s a salt/no salt pretzel.”

Me: *laughing* “I wonder what they’d do for that?”

Husband: “So, do you want a salt/no salt pretzel?”

(Turned out that if you don’t select either option, it came with no salt, so adding the “no salt” option to the screen was a little redundant. Now, every time we order a pretzel there, we make a joke about the salt/no salt options.)

(My husband is in Washington on business. He doesn’t really get the whole time zones thing, so ends up messaging me and the group chat we are all in at really odd times. I am woken up by a stream of messages he sends us, which are song lyrics.)

Me: “Why are you sending us lyrics?”

Husband: “I’m watching A Christmas Carol!”

Me: “Why? It’s July…”

Husband: “Because this hotel only has p*rn and this one movie!”

Me: “Then, please watch the p*rn and let me SLEEP!”

Husband: “I don’t think you want me watching this p*rn.”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “It’s all gay. Like, literally every single one.”

Me: “So, there’s a hotel, in Washington, that exclusively provides gay p*rn? What is [Company] thinking?”

Husband: “Maybe they think I’m unfaithful, or gay?”

Me: “Well, good luck with that!”

(I turn back over and start drifting off. My phone goes off once more and I decide just to check it.)

Brother: *who is gay* “Name and address, please! This hotel sounds hot.”

(Muted for the first time ever, the phone was thrown into the hallway.)

(My husband and I are watching one of the X-men movies.)

Me: “No, Captain Picard! That’s a terrible idea; why would you do that?”

Husband: “You do know that’s Professor X right?”

Me: “He’ll always be Captain Picard to me.”

(It’s tough to get any adult privacy in our household with small children. My husband and I finally get some intimate shared shower time, including using some conditioner for lubricant, when I have a lightning bolt realization.)

Me: “So THAT’S why we always run out of conditioner before we run out of shampoo!”

(I got a text message from my dad telling me that my step-mom had done a DNA test and that her results are back. They indicate that my step-mom has a first cousin in our extremely large metropolitan area.)

Dad: “[Step-sister] and [Step-mom] are doing their ancestry. They are finding that they could be related to the [Married Last Name] family. They traced it to a [Husband’s Paternal Grandmother] married to a [Husband’s Grandfather] in [City my in-laws live in], who died in 2008. [Husband’s Grandfather] died in 2012.”

Me: “Wait, Are you saying my husband is your wife’s first cousin once removed?! I always joked that [Husband] looked like he belonged in the family more than I did.”

Dad: “Yep!”

(I tell my husband.)

Husband: “So, does that make me your… cousband?!”