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Looks Like The Cat’s Out Of The Bag

, , , | Romantic | September 3, 2017

(Our current apartment is too small to section off “Cat Free Zones” for my husband’s allergies, so [Cat] has been living with my parents until recently. He is only seven years old, but he had an undiagnosed health condition that, until two weeks ago, was completely asymptomatic. After an emergency vet appointment, fluids, drugs, and a terminal diagnosis, I pack him up and take him straight back to the apartment with me anyway, so we can do the best we can in his final days, because my parents aren’t able to give him the attention he needs. He has gone from a fat 12 lbs to a bony 8.5 lbs, and he has recently been refusing food completely [resulting in the dehydration that brought us to the vet for the emergency visit]. The vet gives me formulated high-calorie canned food to feed him, which he doesn’t like, but with trial and error over a few days, I finally come up with a routine that gets him to eat on a regular basis, and his strength has been improving a lot. Soon, I have my first double-shift day at work, leaving my husband to try and cope with my cat’s newfound finicky eating habits and schedule. This is the conversation we have when I check in during my break:)

Me: “How are my boys? Did [Cat] have dinner?”

Husband: “No, he won’t eat it.”

Me: “What did you give him?”

Husband: “A quarter of a can of formula, and a teaspoon of tuna.”

Me: “Did you microwave it?”

Husband: “Yes”

Me: “How long?”

Husband: “Like ten seconds.”

Me: “That’s too hot. Did you blow on it to cool it down?”

Husband: “Umm… yes.”

Me:*tsk, liar* Did you add a little bit of water to make it like gravy?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, he probably doesn’t want tuna because he had tuna for breakfast. There’s some shredded pork in the fridge.”

Husband: “Right….”

Me: “And make sure you only microwave it for six seconds, so it doesn’t get too hot–“

Husband: “Okay, got it–“

Me: “And you have to watch him eat it, because if you aren’t watching him he’ll follow you out of the room instead–“

Husband: “Okay….”

Me: “And pet his head and tell him he’s a good boy.”

Husband: “Sure.”

Me: “And you have to sing ‘If I Had Words’ to him and do a dance around the living room while the barnyard animals watch.”

Husband: “…wait, what?”

Me: “I’m kidding. If he doesn’t eat the pork I’ll try when I get home; don’t worry about it.”

Husband: “I changed my mind; I don’t want kids. You are literally the most annoying mother on the planet.”

Making A Complete Boob Of Himself

, , , , | Romantic | September 1, 2017

(My husband and I are sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon. I haven’t been feeling well.)

Me: “Ugh. My boobs are sore.”

Husband: “Why?”

Me: “I don’t know. They just are; they’re really swollen.”

Husband: “Hmm. Maybe you should go put on a bra.”

Me: “…”

Husband: “What?! That’s why I bought you comfortable ones…”

Me: “That’s… not how that works…”

(Twelve years together, and apparently I have taught him nothing.)

Karma Strikes, Not With A Whimper…

, , , , | Romantic | August 31, 2017

(My husband and I are relaxing at home, when he snaps shut the book he was reading. Our cat leaps about a foot in the air and looks around with eyes wide. She has a tendency to get easily spooked.)

Me: “Haha, poor little dum-dum. Awww. Were you scared? You’re way too anxious. You need to chill out.”

(I pet her to comfort her, and then walk over to get myself a drink from a glass. As I’m taking a sip, the doorbell rings, and I nearly jump out of my skin, my arm jerking reflexively and tossing the entire glass of water into my own face.)

Husband: *stifling laughter and petting our cat* “And that’s what we call karma, [Cat].”

Bra-zen Behavior

, , | Romantic | August 30, 2017

(My wife is very busty. One day, I am drinking tea, and she comes out of the bedroom with just her bra on.)

Wife: “Hey, I got a new bra. I think it’s a push-up, though? What do you think?”

Me: “Well, let’s see.”

(I go over to her, and set my teacup on her breasts. It stays.)

Me: “It might be a push-up. Your boobs aren’t usually this shelf-y.”

Wife: “I’m buying two more of these. This is so handy.”

(She takes my tea and walks away, drinking it.)

Not Taking The Quickest Route(r)

, , , | Romantic | August 28, 2017

(I’m doing some writing on my computer, while my husband is in another room, when he calls over…)

Husband: “Hey, can you access the Internet? It’s not working on my phone.”

Me: “Hang on… oh, it seems to be down. Want me to restart the router?” *Said router is right next to my desk.*

Husband: “No! No need! I think I can do a soft reset in the settings somewhere…”

(I decide to wait and see how this plays out and continue my work. After a couple minutes he comes into the room, grumbling to himself, and starts up his own desktop computer. It takes him another ten minutes to access the settings from there and find the right options.)

Husband: “Finally! I don’t like to do this on the phone with the small screen, but now it should… ah yes, see? It’s up and running.”

Me: “…you realize that this took you more than fifteen minutes, and all this time I could have just reached out for the plug without even leaving my chair?”

Husband: “But it worked!”

(The kicker? He works in IT.)