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What Strange Magic Is This

, , , , , | Right | June 28, 2008

Me: “Sporting goods, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I need a tennis racquet. The one I have is the wrong one.”

Me: “What kind of tennis racquet are you looking for?”

Customer: “I’m a lefty. I need a left-handed tennis racquet.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Hello? Are you still there? Do you have any left-handed tennis racquets?”

Me: “Ma’am, just put the one you have in your left hand. It’s now a left-handed tennis racquet.”

Customer: “Oooh! I’m going to kill my husband!” *hangs up*


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Hopefully, She Got The House

, , , , , | Romantic | June 5, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Guest: “Hi, yes, I’m calling because your hotel charged our credit card twice?”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. If I can have your name, I’ll look you up in the computer and we can get this straightened out.”

Guest: *morphs into an uber-witch in three seconds flat* “Straightened out? D*** right you’re going to get this straightened out! You charged enough for that crappy little room! I’ll be d***ed if we’re paying for it twice! My husband works too hard for his money to be charged double for something like this! There wasn’t even a bar there!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but if I can just have your name and the date you stayed–”

Guest: “That’s just it! I was charged on two separate DATES. My name is [Guest] and my husband and I stayed there on June 9th. There’s another charge on there for the 17th. I want this fixed!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I understand. I’m looking now, ma’am… Okay, I see the problem. You did stay here on the 9th of June. I’m showing that someone by the name of [Husband] stayed on the 17th.”

(There’s dead silence for a moment, and then whispering.)

Guest: “What?”

(At this point my stomach falls into my shoes, because I can hear her mind ticking away, and I know something she doesn’t: another name is listed on the screen with her husband’s for the June 17th stay, and it’s NOT HERS.)

Me: “Um… ma’am?”

Guest: “I see. You’ve been very helpful.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Can I help you with anything else today?”

(At this moment the woman drops the phone but does not hang up, and I hear her begin to scream at someone, swearing in combos I never would have thought up. I hang up quickly and try to go about my business, making a note of it to tell my boss. Later I get another phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How–”

Guest’s Husband: “I want to talk to your manager, you stupid little b****! You probably just cost me my marriage and I am going to sue your s***-hole hotel for every penny it’s worth! Do you hear me? Do you?!”

Me: *click*


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Beauty And The Beast

, , , , , | Right | May 30, 2008

Me: “Ma’am, could you speak up?”

Customer: “Yes, sorry. So that’s a large pepperoni pizza and–”

*incoherent screaming*

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Sorry. Do you have chicken wings?”

Me: “Yes. Hot, mild, lemon pepper–”

*incoherent screaming*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Sorry. An order of hot wings, then. Do you have two-liter drinks?”

Me: “No, but–”

*incoherent screaming*

Me: “Could you ask your friend to please quiet down?”

Customer: “He just needs some din-din before bed.”

Me: “Children can be testy this late at night.”

Customer: “Oh no, it’s my husband.”

Me: “Is it too late to change your mind?”

Customer: “Not yet. We got married today.”

Me: “…congratulations?”

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All Husbands Must Be Kept On A Leash

, , , | Right | May 23, 2008

(I am one of the quickest and most efficient cashiers at my store, and often receive positive comments about this from the customers.)

Wife: “My, you’re just whizzing along! I can’t believe how fast you are!”

Husband: “Didn’t you know? That’s the store’s new policy. They only hire fast women.”

Me: *chuckles good-naturedly*

Wife: “Don’t mind my husband. We only let him out on weekends.”


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Shortest. Honeymoon. Ever.

, , , | Right | April 17, 2008

(A woman approaches me at the cash desk and pulls out a pair of underwear to return.)

Woman: “I’d like to return this.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but we cannot accept returns on intimate apparel.”

Woman: “Why not? I haven’t worn it.”

Me: “It’s against our company policy for health reasons.”

Woman: “Well this is ridiculous! I bought these to wear on my honeymoon and I didn’t end up wearing them, so now they’re useless!”

(The woman storms out of store, leaving the underwear on the counter.)

Me: *wonders just what happened on the honeymoon*


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