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Ball Buster Filibuster

, , , | Right | August 18, 2009

(I work at a video store, where in order to rent movies we ask for a phone number and then read out their name to verify the account. You can have one primary account name, with others added on to it. This particular customer was on the account under his wife.)

Me: “Phone number, please.”

Customer: *reads out number*

Me: “Are you under [Name Of Wife]”?

Customer: “Not tonight. She’s mad at me!”

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The Hole In His Logic

, , , | Right | July 13, 2009

Customer: “I’m looking for your nuts.”

Me: “Those are on aisle four, sir.”

Customer: “I’ve already looked and I can’t find them. I’m looking for my favorites.”

Me: “All the types of nut we have in stock are in aisle four, if you can’t find them then we don’t stock them. Do you want me to have a look for you?”

Customer: “No no, I’ll go look again.”

(Five minutes later, he returns.)

Customer: “I still can’t find my favorite nuts!”

Me: “Then I am afraid we must not stock them.”

Customer: “But my wife gets them for me from here every week!”

Me: “What type of nuts does she buy you?”

Customer: “Donuts…”


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Always Right, Even From Beyond The Grave

, , , , | Right | July 2, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, welcome to [Magazine]. How can I help?”

Caller: “I want to cancel my husband’s subscription.”

Me: “Okay. Could I speak to your husband, as he is the account holder?”

Caller: “I’m sorry, he passed away last week. That’s why I’m calling. I won’t have to pay what he owes, will I?”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, madam. I’ll cancel that and you are correct; you won’t be charged.”

(I take the details. At the end, I say she can receive one more copy, free.)

Caller: “I’m sorry, I’m not following. I’ve had a lot to deal with since my husband died. We only buried him yesterday.”

Me: *feeling dreadful for her* “Of course. I’ll go through it again.”

(I run through it, stopping at intervals to check that she understands. She says she does.)

Me: “Would you like the free copy? This month you get money off vouchers for books.”

(15 seconds of silence.)

Me: “Madam, are you there?”

Caller: “I still don’t understand, dear. I’m not good with this stuff. Let me get my husband; he usually deals with this.”

Me: “Madam, you told me your husband died.”

Caller: *flustered* “I didn’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you did. You told me your husband died, his funeral was yesterday, and you asked me to cancel his contract and not charge you.”

Caller: *now getting agitated* “I didn’t. You misunderstood.”

Me: “Madam, we record calls. I can arrange for you to speak to a manager once the call has been reviewed, if you wish.”

(Another 15 seconds of silence.)

Me: “Madam, are you still there?”

Caller: *click*

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On A Tight Leash

, , , | Right | June 23, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my cable box is doing that tiling thing.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Let’s try and reboot the box. I need you to unplug it.”

Customer: “My wife is recording a show. Will that be affected?”

Me: “Unfortunately, yes. If you unplug the box, the DVR will stop recording.”

Customer: “Do you think I should wait, and call back later when it’s done?”

Me: *chuckles* “That depends on how much trouble you’ll get in with your wife.”

Customer: *laughs nervously* “Yeah, you’re right. She’ll lock me in the basement again… I’ll wait, thank you.”

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The End Justifies The Crazy Means

, , , , | Right | May 18, 2009

(I worked as a debt collector for a car rental agency.)

Debtor: *on the phone* “You sent me a court order about a debt. I can’t pay it. But, I can offer you some paintings I made.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I cannot accept them. You have to pay cash or make a wire transfer.”

Debtor: “They’re good paintings; I have written confirmation by the Arts Department of the University of [City] that they’re good.”

Me: “If they’re that good, I recommend that you sell a few of the paintings. Then you’ll have money to pay your debt.”

Debtor: “I can’t do that! To sell a painting I’d have to ruin a marriage!”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand…”

Debtor: “Well, for a man to buy a painting off of me, I’d have to sleep with him. His wife would find out, and she’d divorce him.”

Me: “Ma’am… I think that you should check your relationship with reality. I am extending your deadline by one week; please pay cash or transfer.”

(End of call.)

Me: *to my coworker* “I can’t believe she just said that. I can’t believe I just said that.”

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