This happened years ago when banking was not as strict as it is now. I dealt in antiques and was set up at a local antique market. I had a gentleman from California buy a Spratling silver bangle and an American Indian blanket.

He gave me a check for $800, but it was returned for insufficient funds. I was livid and called his bank.

Bank: “There are not enough funds to cover the check.”

Me: “What can I do?”

Bank: “You can call and check periodically.”

I called every week for about two months and they finally told me that there were enough funds to cover the check. I went to my bank and told them to make sure this check went through right away, as the funds were finally in the account.

Well, it went through, and I laughed that he probably thought he would never have to honor that check. I don’t think you could get a bank to give you that information today, but back then you could!

I am conducting tours for hotel guests to various points of interest around the area. One of the stops is a large outdoor market where the guests can buy local handmade goods as well as enjoy the bustling atmosphere.

The bus pulls up to the market and I am explaining to the group where best to go and what time we’re departing. One of the guests interrupts me.

Guest: “Are there usually this many foreigners in the market?”

Me: “You mean tourists? It is quite popular with the tourists, yes, although I think we’re the only tour group visiting at the moment.”

Guest: “No, not tourists! Foreigners! The market looks like it’s full of foreigners.”

Me: *Looking at the market.* “It mostly looks like locals to me.”

Guest: “Exactly! They’re all foreign!”

The guest’s adult daughter immediately speaks up.

Guest’s Daughter: “Please, continue with the tour! My mom thinks that everyone non-white is foreign.”

There’s a little mild laughter on the bus as I deem it wise to continue as quickly as possible. As everyone is exiting the bus I can hear the guest complaining to her daughter.

Guest: “Why did you make me come on this trip if it was only going to be nothing but foreigners?!”

Guest’s Daughter: “Mom! When you’re in their country, you’re the foreigner!”

Guest: “Don’t be stupid! I can’t be a foreigner! I’m American!”

I am running an antique jewelry stand at an antique jewelry convention. A lady comes up:

Customer: “Oh, I really like this ring. Can you tell me about it?”

Me: “Yes, it’s an Edwardian diamond solitaire, made around 1900.”

Customer: “Has it been worn before?”

Me: “Um, I would imagine it has.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, never mind. I was looking for something new.”

Honey, you’re at the wrong convention…

I used to work in a flea market selling produce. Our booth was right beside some automatic sliding glass doors that went outside.

I was helping a customer with a purchase and some other guy walked up, triggered the doors to open, stood there and stared, then came back towards me and interrupted us. At this point, the doors had closed again, and the conversation went like this.

Customer: “Hey are these the doors to go outside?”

Me: “Sir, the doors are glass correct?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “And you’ve looked through them?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh, well, in that case, no those don’t go outside. That’s the bathroom.”

The lady I was helping started laughing.

My grandfather and uncle owned that produce business, so I was able to get away with saying that.

I’m a freelance artist and regularly attend craft shows in order to get my work out there. One older man came to my table.

Client: “I’m interested in hiring you. Would you come to dinner with me to discuss payment? You seem like a woman who likes food.”

Me: “…”

Me: “I don’t think I’m interested, sorry.”

Client: “Oh, you don’t have to worry about me. I had a vasectomy.”

Not why I was worried, dude.