I run a small concrete-cutting business and I was looking for a new chief supervisor to look after the shop when I wasn’t there. I found a guy who looked good on paper, and after a fairly short interview process I hired him.

When I hired him, I told him that his employment was conditional on signing an employment agreement which my lawyer was in the process of preparing. Since he would have access to trade secrets and my client list, I especially needed to have him sign a non-competition agreement as part of the larger employment agreement.

A few weeks went by and he seemed to be performing adequately. So, I gave him the agreement to sign and he took it home to have a look at. That night I got a call from him saying he had issues with the agreement and he couldn’t sign it as-is.

The next day, he handed me the agreement with his notes, and I took it into my office to review. He had crossed out the “Duties and Responsibilities” section and the “Non-Competition” section. Not only that, but he had put in a much higher salary than we agreed, added a bunch of benefits on top of what he was already getting, and taken out the end date of the contract, making it indefinite.

After staring at the paper for a while, trying to get my temper back under control, I went out and found him and very calmly explained that if he wasn’t willing to sign the contract then I would take it as his resignation. I sent him home. I sent him a cheque for the five weeks he had worked and went back to looking for a new hire.

Here’s the kicker: He then decided to sue me for the “six weeks vacation pay” he believed he was entitled to. The judge laughed him out of the courtroom.

(I work as a receptionist for a manufacturing company, so I handle all incoming calls.)

Me: “Good morning! [Company], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi! Is this [Company]?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Caller: “So, this is [Company]?”

Me: “Yep. This is [Company].”

Caller: “Oh. Just making sure I was calling [Company].”

Me: “That’s us, all day, everyday.”

(This actually happens a lot throughout the day, believe it or not.)

(This happened to an old colleague of mine back when coming out as gay was still a huge deal. He came out to pretty much the entire company at once. Shortly afterwards he gets called into a meeting with security. He isn’t sure what to expect and is apprehensive.)

Security: “So, you’re gay?”

Colleague: “Yes.”

Security: “Who knows about this?”

Colleague: “Well, just about everyone.”

Security: “So, you don’t mind people knowing? It’s not a secret?”

Colleague: “No, everyone can know.”

Security: “Oh! Well, there’s no security issue, then.”

(It is required that the build teams take lots of pictures as they make equipment. They kept losing their cameras so my desk becomes the designated storage. Mostly they just grab one without asking.)

Coworker: “[My Name], can I have the other camera? The cord doesn’t work on this one. It won’t charge or turn on.”

Me: “Sure, I’ll trade you.” *opens the first camera to swap out the battery*

Me: “Uh, [Coworker]? Wanna try that cord again, this time with the battery in the camera?”

(He never noticed that the camera he took was missing its battery. No wonder it didn’t charge!)

Me: “[My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Older Woman: “Hello, I buy your cat food all the time and my kitties just LOVES your [Flavor 1#] cat food. Recently when I went to the store they didn’t have [Flavor #1] so I had to buy [Flavor #2], which my kitties don’t like as much. Are you going to give me a voucher for the inconvenience?”

(I’m a bit thrown, because while we do give out vouchers, no one ever directly ASKS for one, even in severe cases.)

Me: “I’m sorry, you’d like a voucher because you knowingly purchased a different flavor of cat food, that your cat ate, and there was nothing specifically wrong with the food?”

Older Woman: “Yes, it was a huge inconvenience and I’d like a voucher for the difficulty I had to go through.”

Me: “I’m sorry but we cannot give out vouchers for matters such as this; there was nothing wrong with the product.”

Older Woman: “But my cats liked it less! I was inconvenienced!”

Me: “Unfortunately, the matter of a specific flavor being unavailable is dependent on the retailer. While we manufacture the product, they dictate which flavors they will choose to stock.”

Older Woman: “I see… Well, take my details down in case you can give me a voucher anyway.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can take your details down for our records but we will not be able to give you a voucher for this matter.”

Older Woman: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m sure.”

Older Woman: “All right, then… I’ll just complain again another day. Thank you. Bye!”

(I sat and stared at the phone for a while because I was so amazed.)