I Pretend To Work And You Pretend To Pay Me

| Working | December 8, 2015

(I work in a facility where the general opinion among everyone is that we are incredibly underpaid for what we do. It was announced the day before by the CEO that we were all getting a 3% raise, the first in years, and we all suppose it is better than nothing. The next morning, I am sharing the details with a coworker that missed the meeting.)

Me: *in a mildly sarcastic tone* “So, starting next month, you’re making something like 45 cents more every hour. That’s like four dollars a day!”

Him: *matching my tone* “Yeah, and I bet it’ll make you push your cart around faster every day!”

Me: “Yeah. Three percent faster…”

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The Lewinsky Line

| Working | September 8, 2015

(We have four lines in our department making specific auto parts. On this day, one of the lines is being particularly uncooperative.)

Coworker: “[Line] crashed again.”

Me: “Seriously, I swear that [Line] goes down more often that a presidential intern.”

Coworker: “But not as fun.”

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About A 9.0 On The Ignorance Scale

| Working | December 31, 2014

(A new employee just started where I work. There’s a major snow storm going on, and since her car isn’t working and I just live down the street from her, I agree to give her a ride. We’re heading to work when:)

Coworker: “Good thing it’s snowing. We need the moisture.”

Me: “Yeah, we’re in a drought.”

Coworker: “Yeah. If it gets too bad we’ll get earthquakes.”

Me: *thinking she’s kidding, laughs nervously* “Yeah…”

Coworker: “Yeah, the lack of water dries the ground out and that’s why the plates rub together. That’s why California gets so many earthquakes – not enough water.”

Me: “…”

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Go To Work And Throw A Fit

, , | Working | December 3, 2014

(I work as a materials handler and general bean counter in a facility that produces drill bits. As a result of a vehicle collision a month prior, I’m on a mix of medications that congress with a slight risk of seizures and, as a result, have been put on a leave of absence by my boss until I get a release to work from my doctor. The following is me venting my frustration at the situation to my husband the next morning:)

Me: “I can’t believe they wouldn’t just assign me to a job that wouldn’t…”

(I pause to consider the different positions that my boss could move me to temporarily.)

Husband: “That wouldn’t what?”

Me: “Wouldn’t kill me if I had a seizure. But now that I think about it, that’s just about every job there.”

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Doesn’t Suffer Fools

| Working | July 22, 2014

(My first job out of college was great until a new CEO is hired. Suddenly our department of engineers and programmers gets a new manager who knows nothing technical but is a crony of the new CEO. He quickly manages to either insult or infuriate all of us but me… except perhaps that accounting tells me I am at the top of my pay grade and not to expect a raise for 5 years. At the end of March that year, I get a call from old friends which leads to a cross-country flight over the weekend to interview with a new company that offers me $10,000/year more. Naturally I accept. The following Monday, I go to my boss’ office and, since he isn’t there, I leave my two-week notice on his desk. Not long after, he’s visiting me.)

Boss: *with a dark grin* “Funny.”

Me: “What?”

Boss: “This. Your two week’s notice letter. It’s a joke, right?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Boss: “It’s an April Fool’s joke, right?”

Me: “No. Wow! I didn’t realize what today was. I’d have probably given it to you tomorrow if I was aware.”

Boss: “So… you’re really leaving?”

Me: “Yes. I’ve been given a much better offer.”

Boss: *pauses to think* “Could we make a counter-offer?”

Me: “Not really.”

(It was a shame to leave that job, though. The owner of the company quickly saw through the bad CEO and fired him and his cronies.)

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