In Bad Company

| Working | February 26, 2016

(My father had his own business for years, but we closed it about a year prior to his death. After his death, we still had vendors calling trying to sell him supplies.)

Vendor: “Hello! I’m with [Company] and I wanted to see if you were ready to re-order you next shipment of supplies!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we closed the business.”

Vendor: “Oh, well, can I speak with Mr. [Dad]?”

Me: “Sorry, he passed away.”

Vendor: “I promise it won’t take long. I just wanted to tell him about our latest product.”

Me: “Huh? He’s still dead.”

Vendor: “Oh, sorry to hear that. Well, can I talk to the owner of [Dad’s company]?”

Me: “Still dead.”

Vendor: “Well, then whoever is in charge now?”

Me: “Okay, let me re-cap. The company closed and the owner is dead. The only official employee left is his dog. Want to talk to her?”

Vendor: “Well, you don’t have to be rude!” *click*

Me: *to dog* “Seriously? How did Dad deal with that idiot?”

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I Pretend To Work And You Pretend To Pay Me

| Working | December 8, 2015

(I work in a facility where the general opinion among everyone is that we are incredibly underpaid for what we do. It was announced the day before by the CEO that we were all getting a 3% raise, the first in years, and we all suppose it is better than nothing. The next morning, I am sharing the details with a coworker that missed the meeting.)

Me: *in a mildly sarcastic tone* “So, starting next month, you’re making something like 45 cents more every hour. That’s like four dollars a day!”

Him: *matching my tone* “Yeah, and I bet it’ll make you push your cart around faster every day!”

Me: “Yeah. Three percent faster…”

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The Lewinsky Line

| Working | September 8, 2015

(We have four lines in our department making specific auto parts. On this day, one of the lines is being particularly uncooperative.)

Coworker: “[Line] crashed again.”

Me: “Seriously, I swear that [Line] goes down more often that a presidential intern.”

Coworker: “But not as fun.”

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About A 9.0 On The Ignorance Scale

| Working | December 31, 2014

(A new employee just started where I work. There’s a major snow storm going on, and since her car isn’t working and I just live down the street from her, I agree to give her a ride. We’re heading to work when:)

Coworker: “Good thing it’s snowing. We need the moisture.”

Me: “Yeah, we’re in a drought.”

Coworker: “Yeah. If it gets too bad we’ll get earthquakes.”

Me: *thinking she’s kidding, laughs nervously* “Yeah…”

Coworker: “Yeah, the lack of water dries the ground out and that’s why the plates rub together. That’s why California gets so many earthquakes – not enough water.”

Me: “…”

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Go To Work And Throw A Fit

| Working | December 3, 2014

(I work as a materials handler and general bean counter in a facility that produces drill bits. As a result of a vehicle collision a month prior, I’m on a mix of medications that congress with a slight risk of seizures and, as a result, have been put on a leave of absence by my boss until I get a release to with from my doctor. The following is me venting my frustration at the situation to my husband the next morning:)

Me: “I can’t believe they wouldn’t just assign me to a job that wouldn’t…”

(I pause to consider the different positions that my boss could move me to temporarily.)

Husband: “That wouldn’t what?”

Me: “Wouldn’t kill me if I had a seizure. But now that I think about it, that’s just about every job there…”

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