Meta-Meeting In Dilbert’s Office

| Working | April 26, 2016

(I’m a contractor assisting at the daily production meeting. There’s the manager and six foremen from different productions parts of the mill. As I get in, four of those are having an intense discussion on a specific problem. The head manager enters the meeting, which should have started at 9, and it’s already 9:10.)

Manager: “Okay, folks, let’s get this over with.”

(The foremen continue discussing their problems.)

Manager: “Guys, can should talk about this after this meeting, please?”

Foreman #1: “No problem.”

Foreman #2: “Can’t do. I have to check out the shipping schedule. How about at 10?”

Foreman #3: “Unavailable at 10. How about 10:30?”

Manager: “Guys. Can it wait after this meeting. We really should get going. The mill manager is waiting for me.”

Foreman #1: “Then let’s meet to decide a time where we should meet.”

Foreman #2: “9:45 would be good.”

Foreman #3: “Me, too.”

(General sense of approval.)

Foreman #1: *very serious* “So we’ll meet at 9:45 to decide when we’ll set-up our meeting for this issue. Everybody is okay with that?”

Everybody: “Yes, fine, will do, etc.”

Manager: “Did you just schedule a meeting to schedule a meeting?”

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In Bad Company

| Working | February 26, 2016

(My father had his own business for years, but we closed it about a year prior to his death. After his death, we still had vendors calling trying to sell him supplies.)

Vendor: “Hello! I’m with [Company] and I wanted to see if you were ready to re-order you next shipment of supplies!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we closed the business.”

Vendor: “Oh, well, can I speak with Mr. [Dad]?”

Me: “Sorry, he passed away.”

Vendor: “I promise it won’t take long. I just wanted to tell him about our latest product.”

Me: “Huh? He’s still dead.”

Vendor: “Oh, sorry to hear that. Well, can I talk to the owner of [Dad’s company]?”

Me: “Still dead.”

Vendor: “Well, then whoever is in charge now?”

Me: “Okay, let me re-cap. The company closed and the owner is dead. The only official employee left is his dog. Want to talk to her?”

Vendor: “Well, you don’t have to be rude!” *click*

Me: *to dog* “Seriously? How did Dad deal with that idiot?”

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I Pretend To Work And You Pretend To Pay Me

| Working | December 8, 2015

(I work in a facility where the general opinion among everyone is that we are incredibly underpaid for what we do. It was announced the day before by the CEO that we were all getting a 3% raise, the first in years, and we all suppose it is better than nothing. The next morning, I am sharing the details with a coworker that missed the meeting.)

Me: *in a mildly sarcastic tone* “So, starting next month, you’re making something like 45 cents more every hour. That’s like four dollars a day!”

Him: *matching my tone* “Yeah, and I bet it’ll make you push your cart around faster every day!”

Me: “Yeah. Three percent faster…”

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The Lewinsky Line

| Working | September 8, 2015

(We have four lines in our department making specific auto parts. On this day, one of the lines is being particularly uncooperative.)

Coworker: “[Line] crashed again.”

Me: “Seriously, I swear that [Line] goes down more often that a presidential intern.”

Coworker: “But not as fun.”

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About A 9.0 On The Ignorance Scale

| Working | December 31, 2014

(A new employee just started where I work. There’s a major snow storm going on, and since her car isn’t working and I just live down the street from her, I agree to give her a ride. We’re heading to work when:)

Coworker: “Good thing it’s snowing. We need the moisture.”

Me: “Yeah, we’re in a drought.”

Coworker: “Yeah. If it gets too bad we’ll get earthquakes.”

Me: *thinking she’s kidding, laughs nervously* “Yeah…”

Coworker: “Yeah, the lack of water dries the ground out and that’s why the plates rub together. That’s why California gets so many earthquakes – not enough water.”

Me: “…”

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