A Different Flavor Of Crazy

| Right | July 10, 2017

Me: “[My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Older Woman: “Hello, I buy your cat food all the time and my kitties just LOVES your [Flavor 1#] cat food. Recently when I went to the store they didn’t have [Flavor #1] so I had to buy [Flavor #2], which my kitties don’t like as much. Are you going to give me a voucher for the inconvenience?”

(I’m a bit thrown, because while we do give out vouchers, no one ever directly ASKS for one, even in severe cases.)

Me: “I’m sorry, you’d like a voucher because you knowingly purchased a different flavor of cat food, that your cat ate, and there was nothing specifically wrong with the food?”

Older Woman: “Yes, it was a huge inconvenience and I’d like a voucher for the difficulty I had to go through.”

Me: “I’m sorry but we cannot give out vouchers for matters such as this; there was nothing wrong with the product.”

Older Woman: “But my cats liked it less! I was inconvenienced!”

Me: “Unfortunately, the matter of a specific flavor being unavailable is dependent on the retailer. While we manufacture the product, they dictate which flavors they will choose to stock.”

Older Woman: “I see… Well, take my details down in case you can give me a voucher anyway.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can take your details down for our records but we will not be able to give you a voucher for this matter.”

Older Woman: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m sure.”

Older Woman: “All right, then… I’ll just complain again another day. Thank you. Bye!”

(I sat and stared at the phone for a while because I was so amazed.)

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Political Labels

| Working | July 7, 2017

(We use smaller child parts that get welded together to make engine cradles for OEM automobile manufacturers. This day, we ended up with two bins of LEFT [Bracket Type] instead of one LEFT and one RIGHT.)

Worker #1: “Oh, [expletive], we got left [Bracket] in the right [Bracket] riser.”

Worker #2: “Is the label right?”

Worker #1: “The label says ‘left.’ Must have been dropped off last shift by MS.” *Material Services* “Coffee must have run out.”

Me: “Maybe the left parts identify themselves as rights. We can’t discriminate anymore. This isn’t Trump’s America.”

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Their Common Sense Expires Months Ago

, , , | Right | June 7, 2017

(My office focuses on wholesale business. We deal with stores across the US that sell the products we manufacture. This phone call is from a small business that sells a few of our products. My coworker takes the call.)

Store: “I need to update my credit card information.”

Coworker: “Ok, let me pull up your information.” *pulls up info* “I see we have a card on file that ends in [numbers].”

Store: “No, no, no, that’s the old card. I need to give you the new number. I can’t believe you didn’t call and tell me my card was out of date!”

Coworker: “I’m terribly sorry no one contacted you, but I can go ahead and get the new card on file now.”

Store: *gives updated credit card information*

Coworker: “Okay, I’ve got that on file now, but I don’t see a pending order.”

Store: “I don’t have a pending order because you didn’t have my updated credit card information.”

Coworker: “Oh, I see. Can I place the order for you now, since we’ve got the new card on file?”

Store: “NO, I DON’T WANT TO PLACE AN ORDER. I JUST WANTED TO UPDATE MY CREDIT CARD!”

Coworker: “Ok, well, we’ve got it now, so it will charge when you place your next order.”

Store: “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me it was expired.”

Coworker: “If you don’t have a pending order that’s held up by an expired card, then we don’t know that the card is expired.”

Store: “So you have to wait until the order is held up?”

Coworker: “Well, yes, because we have thousands of customers. We can’t monitor every single credit card to see when it’s about to expire.”

Store: “But you sent me an email saying it was out of date.”

Coworker: “….but I thought we hadn’t contacted you…”

Store: “It’s an old email from months ago. It says you can’t process my order until I update my credit card.”

Coworker: “Well, you must have updated it back then, because you don’t have any pending orders, nor any cancelled or on-hold orders.”

Store: “Then why did you send me this email?”

Coworker: “You said it was from months ago? You may have had a pending order months ago, but I can see that all of your placed orders have been processed. We aren’t currently holding anything for you.”

Store: “This email IS from months ago. I updated my card months ago as well. I’m just now reading the email!”

Coworker: “Okay, well, the new card information you just gave me was different from what was on file. So, has your credit card information changed since the last time you updated it?”

Store: “YES!”

Coworker: “So do you need to place an order?”

Store: “NO! NO, I DON’T!!!”

Coworker: “I’m not sure why you’re angry, then?”

Store: “YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!” *click*

Me: “So she’s mad at us for not being mind readers?”

Coworker: “I guess…?”

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Handshaken To His Core

| Working | May 16, 2017

(Every summer for the past few years we’ve employed a summer worker who isn’t exactly the brightest. He’s smart when it comes to exams and school, but a little gullible and easy to fool. We’re all gathered around the build desks, working on an order while discussing part of the dress code, and someone mentions a specific part of the employee handbook which gets emailed to every full-time contracted employee. I’m known for being quick with sarcastic comments and snappy comebacks.)

Summer Worker: “Wait, there’s an employee handbook? I didn’t know this. Where can I get a copy?”

Me: *getting up and going into the office to phone our manager upstairs about a separate issue* “You only get it when you get a full-time contract and we teach you the secret handshake.”

(As the door closes I hear this:)

Summer Worker: *turning to our apprentices and asking wide-eyed and in all seriousness* “Have you guys been taught the secret handshake yet?”

(Cue me loudly dying of laughter in the office as my manager answered the phone. The rest of the production team could be heard losing it.)

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Milking Young Minds

| Right | April 22, 2017

Me: “Good morning. You’ve reached [Company]. [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hi, I’m calling from [Local Kindergarten] regarding your products.”

(I’m surprised but think she might want to know something for educational reasons since I can’t think of any possible way our products could be used in a kindergarten.)

Me: “Sure, go on! I’m happy to help you with your questions or put you through to somebody who can.”

Caller: “We’re soon hosting a carnival and I just wanted to make sure: Are your products safe to use on small children?”

Me: “Wait… WHAT?!”

Caller: “Aren’t you [Makeup Company]?”

Me: “No… we’re a manufacturer for mechanical milkers… for cows.”

Caller: “Oh… Oh, dear! I already thought your company name sounded weird. I’m very sorry. Please don’t tell anybody about this…”

(Turned out said makeup company had the same number as we did, only with a different area code. However, “But can we safely use that product on small children?” still is a running gag in our technical department.)

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