My coworker is a nice lady but clueless. One day, we are both in a meeting with our boss.

Boss: “[My Name], there’s a huge problem with [System] and I need you to fix it as soon as possible. This will be your top priority. Call me in an hour to let me know how it’s going.”

Me: “You got it, [Boss].”

I return to my desk and start working on the problem. [Coworker] returns to hers right next to mine.

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], have you noticed [incredibly trivial issue]?”

Me: “Hmm? No.”

Coworker: “It’s really annoying.”

Me: *Not really listening* “Uh-huh, I’ll bet.”

Coworker: *After an expectant pause* “So, I’ll need your help.”

Me: “Sure, I can help you later.”

Coworker: “What’s wrong with right now?”

Me: “Um, I’m busy.”

Coworker: “Doing what?”

I have a coworker who fancies himself a handyman. The trouble is, because he leads a very busy life — in addition to having a full-time job, he’s the father of two young boys and coaches junior-high soccer — he has trouble finding the time to handle construction projects.

One day, he announces that he is going to install an in-ground pool at his house himself. All of his coworkers are a bit worried, because that’s a huge job. He waves away our concerns.

Coworker: “I can do it, and it’ll be a lot cheaper than hiring a company.”  

At the beginning of the summer of 2014:

Coworker: “I’ve started working on the pool.”

At the end of 2014:

Coworker:  “I didn’t manage to finish the pool.”

At the end of 2015:

Coworker: “Still working on the pool.”

Mid-summer 2016:

Coworker: “I finished the pool!”

Mid-summer 2017:

Coworker: “My pool is leaking.”

At the end of summer 2017:

Coworker: “I fixed the pool.”

At the beginning of summer 2018:

Coworker: “My pool is leaking again.”

At the end of summer 2018:

Coworker:  “I fixed the pool.”

Then, one day, a few months later:

Coworker: “My wife wants to put in new front steps, and she wants to hire a company to do it. I keep telling her that I’ll do it. Why on earth would she want to hire someone?”

Everyone: “BECAUSE SHE WANTS IT DONE FAST AND DONE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME?”

Coworker: “Shut up.”

I am at work, finishing up my last shift at this job as I’ve recently been hired elsewhere. Our store closes at 9:00 and it is 8:58. As I am the only cashier, I’ve got a fairly long line-up, with one rude customer at the very front.

Customer: “You know, your [Greenhouse] is closed!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. My apologies, but we’re just about closed so they’ve started shutting down the departments and had to shut down the outdoor one some time ago. It will be open when [Store] opens at 9:00 am, though.”

Customer: “But I came all the way from [Nearby City]! I demand that you let me in right now!”

The city is less than a half-hour away.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t know what to tell you. The department is closed and there’s no one there to open it or help you. And even if there was an employee working there, they wouldn’t have clearance to open the department. Just like I don’t have clearance.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Go open it for me right now!”

Me: “Ma’am, please listen to me. I have been at this job for two months. I am one of the newest cashiers. This is my last shift, we closed five minutes ago, and there’s a line-up behind you. Now, if you really think that getting into the [Greenhouse] is so important that you can’t make the drive out tomorrow, there’s a manager here. He’s waiting for me to finish up here so he can lock the store, and he’s over by customer service. I’m sure he’ll be happy to pretend to care. Next!”

I’m working my regular Saturday shift when a customer comes through the door. 

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Place], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have this coupon for a free pizza.”

I take the coupon and look at it.

Me: “Yes, this is for a large one-topping pizza. What topping would you like?”

Customer: “I want pepperoni, hamburger, and extra cheese.”

Me: “That is three toppings, and this coupon is only for one topping. So, which of those would you like?”

Customer: “I want pepperoni, hamburger, and extra cheese.”

Me: “Yes, but I can only give you one of those. If you want three toppings, you can just buy a pizza and use your coupon next time.”

The customer widens their eyes and looks slightly crazy.

Customer: “I want my hamburger! And don’t forget extra cheese!”

Since he is only asking for two toppings now and I want to get rid of him, I ask my manager if that is okay.

Me: “Hey, this guy is crazy and won’t leave me alone. Can I just give him two toppings so he will leave faster?”

Manager: “He wants extra cheese, so just type it in as beef—”

We call hamburger “beef,” along with the vast majority of the population.

Manager: “—and he won’t even know the difference between regular cheese and extra cheese.”

I get back to the customer who has been staring at me the entire time I have been talking to my manager.

Me: “Okay, I will give you your beef and cheese pizza.”

Customer: “I want hamburger. Not beef. Hamburger! And you’d better make sure it has lots and lots of cheese on it!”

I don’t want to keep him around anymore and am also very annoyed and slightly frightened.

Me: “Yes, I will give you your hamburger and cheese pizza.”

I try to take the coupon from him but he doesn’t let it go. I explain to him that store policy is that we need to collect all of our coupons. I am stronger and quicker, so I take the coupon and lock it in the register.

I go over to where my manager is and start making the pizza. Unfortunately for me, we have glass walls so that kids can see us making their pizzas. This guy is leaning over the glass wall just giving me the death stare the entire time, which makes me super uncomfortable. I eventually just tell my manager to make it as I pretend to grab something from the cooler.

I hide in the cooler and don’t come out until the customer is gone. While in there, I can hear him shouting:

Customer: “You didn’t put extra cheese! I want extra cheese! Give me my coupon! It’s my coupon, not yours! Mine!”

When everything is finally over and I emerge from my hiding spot, my manager just looks at me, dumbfounded.

Manager: “Don’t you ever leave me alone with him again. He is absolutely insane.”

Luckily for us, he never came back again. This was two years ago, and my manager still holds it against me that I went and hid while she dealt with him!

Related:
The Couponator 23: The Time Destroyer
The Couponator 22: Coupons Of Mass Consumption
The Couponator 21: The FINAL Sale
The Couponator 20: Coupons Of Mass Consumption

Pre-health crisis, my friend sends out an email to a large group of people, inviting them to a party. He includes me on the list.

Me: *Replying to the email* “Sounds great! Can’t wait.”

I hit send and then realize too late that I selected “Reply All” by mistake.

Me: *To myself* “Aw, crap. Well, can’t be helped.”

Two minutes later, I get an email from someone I don’t know.

Unknown Person: “WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU EMAILING MY HUSBAND? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY ‘CAN’T WAIT’?”

It turned out that she was married to one of the other email recipients. Rather than realizing that I’d accidentally replied to the entire group, or scrolling down to see the original email, she immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion. I made sure to avoid her and her husband at the party.