Do As I Swear, Not As I Do

, , , , , , | Related | July 24, 2018

(I’m driving with my mother when someone cuts me off in traffic.)

Me: “Stupid a**hole!”

Mum: “[My Name], don’t swear! I raised you better than that!”

(Later on, she is telling me about driving with a friend of the family. Said friend is close to me in age and happens to be male.)

Mum: “So, someone cut [Friend] off, and he called the other driver a ‘dumb f****** dips***.’ Ha ha! He was mortified that he’d sworn in front of me, but I told him that I just thought it was funny.”

Me: “How come when I do it, it’s terrible, but when [Friend] does it, it’s funny?”

Mum: *pause* “Well, I’m not [Friend]’s mother, so it’s different.”

Me: “Would it still be ‘different’ if [Friend] was female?”

Mum: “Of course not! Women shouldn’t swear!”

Me: “Uh-huh...”

Don’t Drink And Parent

, , , , , , | Learning | July 19, 2018

(My sixteen-year-old daughter is taking drivers’ education at her school. The first part takes place in the classroom, followed by practical experience driving a car. Parents are allowed to attend the classroom part if they wish.)

Instructor: “Now, the law for drinking and driving for new drivers is very strict. It’s a zero-tolerance policy.”

(The mother of one of the kids raises her hand.)

Mother: “What does that mean?”

Instructor: “That means that your kids won’t be allowed to have any alcohol if they’re going to be driving within a certain timeframe.”

Mother: “I don’t get it.”

Instructor: “It’s actually very simple. If your kid will be driving within [number of hours], they can’t have any alcohol.”


Instructor: “None.”

Mother: “But let’s say that my son is at a party, and he’s going to be there for an hour; it’s okay if he has just one beer, right?”

Instructor: *stares at her* “No.”

Mother:No? But it’s just one beer!”

Instructor: *starting to lose patience* “No alcohol. Period.”

Mother: “But—”

Instructor: “NO. ALCOHOL.”

Mother: “…”

(Her son looked mortified.)

Time Waits For No Pizza

, , , , , | Right | July 15, 2018

We have a system at our franchise where everyone who calls in or orders online gets a call-back before we make their pizzas. No exceptions. Even phone orders.

A timed order comes in to be picked up at four pm. No problem. Then, a few moments later, it is voided: “Did not answer, could not confirm. Do not make.”

The boss recognises the lady — she’s a regular — so on the off chance this was just a mistake, we make the pizzas but put them in the cooler, ready to go in.

Four pm rolls around, and she’s not there. Four fifteen, not there. We are about to use the pizzas for other orders when she comes in at about 4:25. When we explain we don’t have the pizzas in because of lack of confirmation, she gets upset — not at us, mind you, but at the situation. She has a birthday party! She’s in a hurry!

I explain that pizzas were made, and we can have her order ready in seven minutes. After a few moments of reassurance, she departs, to return in “exactly seven minutes.”

The pizzas come out — we bumped them ahead of a few others — we cut them, box them up, and put them on the heater as fast as we can. By now it is about 4:35.

And we wait… and wait… Finally, at around five, she strolls in, just as I am about to mark the pizzas for “immediate sale.”

So much for being in a hurry.

Not Enough Meat Between Their Ears

, , , | Right | July 15, 2018

(I work evenings, sometimes alone at the pizza store. I don’t mind. It’s fun, and I prefer working alone. I have two young gents come in, about sixteen or so years old. They ask me about doing a half-and-half pizza, and I say yup, they just have to tell me which things are on which side!)

Customer #1: “Okay, can I have a meat-lover’s on one side and deluxe Hawaiian on the other?”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t split a specialty pizza. Just gets too complicated. But I can do, say, pepperoni-bacon on half and ham-pineapple on the other.”

Customer #1: “Oh, okay.”

(A few more minutes of discussion happen. I try to excuse myself as I hear the printer popping out deliveries, but they insist that they are ready to order. Then, the other asks.)

Customer #2: “Half and half, right?”

Me: *smiling as I nod patiently*

Customer #2: “Okay. Can I get half meat-lover’s, half deluxe Hawaiian?”

Teach A Mayor To Fish…

, , , , | Working | July 13, 2018

This happened quite a few years ago and was told to me by my father. It’s from before we cared about things like environmental damage.

The lake near my grandmother’s town had a lot of one species of fish in it and as a result was not well-loved by the local fishermen. One year the town got a fisherman for a mayor and he decided to use a good chunk of their budget to buy a huge number of live fish to release and make all the fishermen happy. They had a good year fishing that year and expected the next year to be the same.

The next year they had a lake filled with very fat pike. The mayor didn’t get re-elected in the next election.

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