Phone Gall

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 29, 2018

(This happens shortly after I’ve given birth to my first daughter. She and I are asleep in our hospital room. This is in 1994, when it isn’t as common to have security measures to ensure that babies aren’t stolen from hospitals.)

Voice: “Hello? This is [Woman].”

Me: *groggily* “Sorry, what?”

(I open my eyes and sit up, expecting to see a nurse. Instead, I see a strange woman using the phone in my room.)

Woman: *glaring at me* “Do you mind? I’m trying to make a phone call here.”

Me: “What the h***? Get out of my room!”

Woman: “Excuse me? I’m just trying to make a phone call!”

Me: “Then go find a payphone! GET OUT!”

(She flounced out, muttering, with no idea why I was so upset. It was just lucky that all she wanted was the phone and not my daughter.)

A Very Awkward Engagement

, , , , , , , | Related | August 23, 2018

(When my boyfriend asks me to marry him, his parents announce that they are going to throw us an engagement party.)

Me: “Thank you! Where would you like to have it? We could have it at our house…”

Future Mother-In-Law: “Oh, no. We’ll have it at our house.”

(Her house is in a town that’s a two-and-a-half-hour drive from where my fiancé and I live.)

Me: “Oh… That’ll be kind of a long drive for all our friends, though.”

Future Mother-In-Law: “That doesn’t matter; I’m not inviting them.”

Me: “Ah, who were you planning to invite?”

Future Mother-In-Law: “Family members, plus some of [Future Father-In-Law]’s colleagues.”

Me: “Um… Okay.”

(Cut to a few weeks later. My fiancé and I are driving to the party.)

Me: “It’s nice of your parents to do this, but I’m confused about why they’re inviting your dad’s colleagues. We’ve never met them.”

Fiancé: “I don’t get it, either.”

(We arrive at the party. There’s a big sign that says, “CONGRATULATIONS, [My Name], [Fiancé], [Additional Name #1], and [Additional Name #2]”.)

Fiancé: “Mum, whose names are on the sign?”

Future Mother-In-Law: “That’s are your dad’s assistant and his fiancée. They got engaged at the same time as you, and we wanted to throw them a party, so we figured we might as well kill two birds with one stone and have one for you at the same time!”

Fiancé: “…”

(That was one awkward event. We were pretty upset at sharing a special time in our lives with another couple, especially since we’d never met them before.)

Forced Friendship

, , , , , | Learning | August 22, 2018

(When my daughter first starts high school, she doesn’t know very many people. She is quite shy and introverted, so she doesn’t have any friends at first. One day, this happens.)

Teacher: “Every lunchtime, I see you sitting here in the library alone. It’s not right.”

Daughter: “I don’t mind. I like the library.”

Teacher: No. It’s not right. A young girl like you should be having fun with friends.”

Daughter: “Um…”

Teacher: “Yes, yes, I know; you don’t have any. That’s about to change. I’m going to bring you out of your shell.”

Daughter: *alarmed* “No, thank you! I’m fine as I am.”

Teacher: “Nonsense! All you need is a little push in the right direction. Leave it all to me. We’ll start tomorrow.” *leaves*

(My daughter is horrified and doesn’t know what to do. I notice that evening that she is very quiet, and after some gentle prodding, she tells me everything. I ask her if she’d like me to intervene, and I get a hesitant, “Okay,” for an answer. I call the school and leave a message asking the teacher to call me. The next day:)

Teacher: “Hello, is this [My Name], [Daughter]’s mother? I had a message to call you.”

Me: *pleasantly* “Hello, Mr. [Teacher]. I understand that you’ve decided to take my daughter under your wing.”

Teacher: *happily* “Oh, yes! I see shy kids like her all the time, and–”

Me: “Let me stop you right there. My daughter is fine. Please leave her alone.”

Teacher: “But… I’m just trying to help.”

Me: “I’m sure that you have good intentions, but your help is neither wanted or needed.”

Teacher: “But a young girl like her should have friends! It’s not natural for her to be alone all the time!”

Me: “She’ll make friends on her own when she’s ready.”

Teacher: “…”

Me: “I hope I’ve made myself clear.”

Teacher: *long pause* “Yes.”

Me: “Good. I’m glad we had this talk. Have a nice day!” *click*

(He never talked to my daughter again unless it was about schoolwork. She started making friends soon after that.)

It’s A Running Problem

, , , , | Right | August 17, 2018

(I’m volunteering for a local race, packing up and handing out runner kits at a local community center. There’s a sign on the front desk with a bright red arrow pointing to the gym for kit pick-up. I’m hanging another sign nearby when a runner comes in, and walks right up to the front desk.)

Runner: “Where do I pick up my race kit?”

Front Desk: “Just to the right in the gym. There will be a sign right out front.”

Runner: *walks off in that general direction, having still not noticed either of the five-foot signs*

Me: “I thought the signs were big enough to be noticed, but I guess not.”

Front Desk: “He’s the third one today.”

The State Of The Estate Is In A State

, , , , | Right | July 27, 2018

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My husband died, and I need to get the name changed to my account so I can pay his bills.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, ma’am. Would you like me to send the bills to his estate?”

Customer: *after a pause* “He don’t got an estate.”

Me: “Ma’am, in this instance, estate means whatever property and money the deceased had, usually controlled by his will’s executor, or lawyer.”

Customer: *after a long pause* “He don’t got an estate.”

Me: *pause* “I’ll just change it to your name, shall I?”

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