(There has been a major blizzard. Though the walkways in the zoo have been partially ploughed, the snow is still rough, and the benches are totally snowed under. I misjudge my stamina, and find myself gasping for breath and in a fair amount of pain when I finally struggle through the snow into the closest zoo exhibit. I collapse on the nearest chair and concentrate on breathing.)

Volunteer: “There aren’t any polar bears out today.”

Me: *gasp* “Darn!” *gasp*

Volunteer: “But you can see the seals!”

Me: *gasp* “I doubt I can—” *gasp* “—walk that far.”*gasp*.

Volunteer: “Enjoy the exhibit!”

Me: “I’ll try to.” *gasp*. “Um, ma’am?” *gasp*

Volunteer: “Yes?”

Me: “I doubt I can safely make it back to the Administration Building.” *gasp* “Could you get someone to come over—” *gasp* “—with a cart or something?” *gasp* “I’ll gladly pay for it.”

Volunteer: “We don’t have anything like that.”

Me: “Not any motorized vehicle in—” *gasp*“—the entire zoo?”

Volunteer: “Nope!”

Me: “Okay, would you do me—” *gasp* “—a favor? Please call the—” *gasp* “—Admin Building and ask them to—” *gasp* “—watch for me. If I haven’t checked in with them in—” *gasp* “—45 minutes, would they please send someone back this—” *gasp* “—way to see what happened to me?”

(Then the volunteer picked up her walkie-talkie and phoned security to send a guy in a golf cart to drive me back.)

(I run a lottery pool at work and buy tickets every week. The lottery that we buy tickets for has a draw twice a week. For simplicity’s sake, I like to get one ticket that covers both draws. This happens almost every time I go to buy one.)

Me: “I’d like a ticket for [Lottery], please, for the next two draws.”

Clerk: “Huh?”

Me: “I’d like a ticket that has the same number for both the Wednesday and the Saturday draw.”

Clerk: “Then you want two tickets.”

Me: “No. Two tickets would be two different numbers. I want just one ticket for both draws.”

Clerk: “We don’t do that.”

Me: “Um, yes, you do. I buy tickets like that all the time.”

Clerk: “No, we don’t.” *turns to more experienced colleague* “Right?”

Colleague: “Actually, we do. Here, I’ll show you.”

Clerk: “But, that means that the ticket will cost $8 instead of $4.” *gives me a triumphant “Gotcha” expression*

Me: “Yes, that’s right.” *holds out the $8 that I had all ready to go*

Clerk: “Oh.”

(I walk up to the line at the post office to purchase a stamp for my letter and stand behind a mother who is frantically trying to keep her rambunctious toddler in check. I can tell she has been waiting here for quite some time, as the elderly lady in front of her is asking a hundred questions about the package she wants to deliver. The mother has to leave the line a couple times to get her toddler to come back into line. She apologizes numerous times and I tell her not to worry about it. The first lady finally finishes and the mother takes her turn. She ends up having to change the size of her box, run out of line to fetch her child, and has trouble finding the cash to pay. She continues to apologize with each incident that arises. I smile and tell her there is no rush and to take her time. She finally finishes, thanks me for my patience, and pulls over to the side to corral her toddler and put her wallet into her purse. I walk up to the clerk.)

Me: “Hello, I’d like to mail this letter. I know the mailing price increased over the new year and I have an old stamp on this letter. I would like a one-cent stamp to make up for the increase, please.”

(The clerk and lady just looked at me and laughed, as it took me about a half-hour to get a one-cent stamp.)

(I am the manager on duty right now. I am helping customers on the sales floor when a woman asks for my help with some new coats that just came in a week or so ago.)

Customer: “Excuse me! Is this on sale?” *points to sign on the rack that reads “Jackets, 30% off”*

Me: “Yes, they are! They’re 30% off and they just came in!”

Customer: “I bought two last week and I paid full price for them!”

Me: “Oh, do you have your receipt? We can give you a price adjustment today if you have it.”

Customer: “No, I don’t. But I bought two full-price last week.”

Me: “Okay. Well, when you get the receipt, come back and we will give you a price adjustment as long as the sale is still on.”

Customer: “I bought two full price ones last week, but I changed my purse so I don’t have the receipt.”

Me: “That’s no problem; you can get your price adjustment whenever you can bring the receipt in. No time limit, as long as the sale is on.”

Customer: “But I bought two full price jackets last week! This one and the grey one! In fact, you helped me! It was about $300!”

Me: “Right, and we can refund you if you go get the receipt.”

Customer: “I changed purses and it’s in my other purse.”

Me: *sighing inwardly in frustration* “We will give you the 30% off when you bring the receipt in, but I can’t do anything without the receipt.”

Customer: “I bought them for $[total] and it’s 30% off, so I should get $[amount] back!”

Me: “Yup, just get your receipt and you’ll get it back!”

Customer: “I don’t have my receipt; I changed purses!”

Me: “Then I can’t help you today.”

(I walk away to help other customers but she follows me, holding up two jackets.)

Customer: “I bought two full price jackets — this one and this one — last week! They are on sale now!”

Me: “Yes! They are, and you can get your money back if you bring in the receipt, which is in your other purse! I cannot give you a price adjustment without the receipt.”

(The customer proceeds to repeat her receipt and purse story.)

Me: “Come back when you have your receipt.”

(I walked away, and every time she tried to talk to me to tell me about her jackets she bought, I said, “I’ll talk to you when you have your receipt,” and kept walking away. After a few minutes she got the hint and left.)

Eight-Year-Old: “Mom! Mom! There’s exploding cat pee on the carpet in my room!”

(This gets my attention. I run upstairs to witness the exploding cat pee. I hear and see a loud plop. I look up, and point to the leak in the ceiling.)

Eight-Year-Old: “Never tell anyone.”

Me: “I won’t for now, but I can’t promise forever.”

(Happy 18th birthday, Darling!)