Massive Conversational Fail

, , , , | Learning | June 12, 2017

(I’m a mature science student in my first year of university. When it comes to choosing optional modules for the second year:)

Me: “…so, I’d like to take the optional history module, assuming I don’t massively fail the exam coming up for this semester’s optional history module.”

Adviser: “Don’t worry. When have you massively failed at anything?”

Me: “Well, when I was fifteen, doing GCSEs. That’s why I’m ten years older than everyone else here.”

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Your Demand Has Shattered

, , , , | Right | June 2, 2017

(It has just been Christmas so people are coming in to exchange or refund unwanted gifts. I am standing beside my coworker whilst he deals with this specific customer.)

Customer: “Hello, I would like to return this aftershave I bought. I have a receipt.”

Coworker: “Okay, no problem. Is there anything wrong with it?”

Customer: “Yes. I dropped it on the floor and the bottle smashed so I want my money back.”

Coworker: *opens the box and finds it is just a box of glass* “I’m sorry but you will not be able to return this item. You dropped it and it smashed. It’s a glass bottle; they smash if dropped. It’s not a fault.”

Customer: “I dropped it on SOFT FLOORING and it shouldn’t have smashed, so the bottle was faulty. I would like my money back!”

(At this point the customer’s friend interrupts.)

Friend: “Well, you did drop it on wooden flooring.”

Customer: “It shouldn’t have broken!”

Coworker: “I understand the upset but we cannot issue a refund because you damaged the product when you got home. It doesn’t work that way.”

Customer: *getting angry* “IT SHOULDN’T HAVE BROKEN! I work in a perfume shop and I know that the bottle shouldn’t have broken.”

(She then proceeds to grab the tester we have at the till.)

Customer: “Look, if I throw this tester on the floor it won’t break.”

Coworker: “Please don’t throw that on the floor. It WILL break and I will have to clean it up. I’m sorry your item got damaged but we are not able to refund it in store today. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “WELL, I AM NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN! YOU HAVE LOST A LOYAL CUSTOMER. GOODBYE.”

(She stormed out the shop whilst my coworker and I stood there in a state of shock.)

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Advocating Alcoholic Desserts

, , , , , | Right | May 31, 2017

(I am buying drinks for Christmas with a friend. I pick up a bottle of Advocaat.)

Friend: “I’ve never had that. What’s it like?”

Me: “Pretty much just tastes like alcoholic custard.”

Customer: *laughing* “That’s brilliant! Does that mean I can put it on my dessert?”

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Off-Handed Comment

, , , , | Right | June 11, 2010

Caller: “Hi, I’ve placed an order some weeks back and I’m just chasing up when it might be delivered.”

Me: “Certainly, just bear with me a moment. I’ll just need to track it on the computer.”

(I proceed to log on to the order system, having a bit of difficulty as I’m only able to type with one hand while the other holds the phone.)

Me: “Sorry, bear with me a moment; it’s quite difficult to type with one hand.”

Caller: *in a sincere tone* “Why have you only got one hand?”

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Doctor Sue

, , , , , | Right | February 26, 2010

(I am selling a replica phone box from the popular show ‘Doctor Who’ on an online auction site. In the show the phone box is actually a time machine/spaceship. I put my number on there so people can call me.)

Caller: “Hi, I was wondering about the replica phone box you are selling. Can it actually fly to other planets and go through time?”

Me: “Afraid not. It’s a replica… It’s fake.”

Caller: “Well, is it as big inside as in the show?”

Me: “No, that’s impossible to do. It’s a TV show so it’s not real.”

Caller: “What? You’re selling a replica? So, it can’t fly to other planets and through time?”

Me: “No one can make it like it is on the show. It’s impossible.”

Caller: “Excuses, excuses! You lying b****!. I’m going to report you and sue!” *click*

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