Can’t Dress It Up As Anything Other Than A Bridezilla

, , , | Friendly | August 21, 2017

(This is two weeks after a popular bridal chain has closed its doors, sending brides into a panic. I myself am a bride-to-be, and have been lucky enough to have gotten my gown before the chain closed. I am at the seamstress’s shop for my final fitting and pick-up. Just after my mother has taken the obligatory “bride with her gown bag” photo in front of the shop, another car pulls up and a woman comes running over.)

Woman: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes?”

Woman: “Your dress is a [Brand Name]!” *she points to the logo on the bag*

Me: “Yes, it is. I suppose I was lucky it came before they closed.”

(I start to put the dress in my car.)

Woman: “Wait!”

(I stop, thinking she may want to peek at it.)

Me: “Yes?”

Woman: “Let me have your dress!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “Let me have your dress. I’m getting married in a couple of weeks and I want a [Brand Name]!”

Me: “No.”

Woman: “What do you mean ‘no’?”

Me: “I mean no, I won’t give this to you.” (I hang up the dress and shut the door, which automatically locks my car.)

Woman: “You don’t need it; you already got married! You just had it cleaned!”

Me: “No, I’m not married yet. I am picking up my gown after alterations to store it until my wedding in two months. Have you looked online to see if someone is selling what you want?”

(She ignores me.)

Woman: “I’ll borrow it!”

Me: “No.”

Woman: “You HAVE to let me borrow it!”

Me: “No, I don’t. My property is my property.”

Woman: “You’re a greedy b****!”

Me: “To you, maybe. I’m not lending out my dress before my wedding. There’s too much risk that it will be ruined or not come back, which would leave me stuck. After the wedding, I may, if it’s someone I know who is local. I’m not sure yet. I’d love to keep it for any daughter I may have who wants to wear it. Have you tried looking online?”

Woman: “Then I’ll just take it!”

(The woman walks over to my car and starts pulling on the handle, and falls when it doesn’t open and the force causes her to lose balance.)

Woman: “Open this door. I want that dress.”

Me: “No.”

Woman: “Open it.”

Me: “No. Lady, get away from my car. If you want one so badly, look online in buy/trade/borrow groups. There are so many brides willing to help those who lost their dresses in the closure. I also don’t think you’ve taken one look at me, because I’m a solid foot shorter than you with much larger boobs. My dress wouldn’t fit you!”

Woman: “Oh, look, the cops came pretty quickly!”

(The woman went over and tried to tell the cops I was stealing her dress. They checked my receipts, ID, and registration, and confirmed that it was mine. They kept the woman back so that we could leave unhindered, but the seamstress told me later that they ticketed her for disturbing the peace and ended up having to escort her home so she wouldn’t try to follow me.)

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Managers, Fridges, And Cats, Oh My!

, , , , | Working | June 16, 2017

(I work for the Manager-from-Hell, in a service department for a firm that sells and maintained industrial fridges/freezers, cooker ranges, massive toasters, etc. The service department is arranged so that the three administrators (I and two others) divide up the customers between us. Some of our customers only have the one walk-in freezer or industrial toaster, so their livelihood is affected if we don’t get out there and fix the problems. Our manager loves himself so much, always sees himself as ‘in’ with the directors, and is always a bit too fast to jump at you for mistakes.)

Manager: “[My Name]! You know what you’ve done? We’re going to lose this customer because of you! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CRAP THE MANAGING DIRECTOR JUST GAVE ME BECAUSE OF YOU? WELL, DO YOU?!”

Me: *getting flustered, because I haven’t been there long and it is hot in that office* “What’s the customer’s name? I’ll get the paperwork out and see what’s—”

Manager: “Never MIND what the customer’s called! You know D*** WELL know what they’re called! You spoke to them twice today, so don’t give me that!”

(This ‘conversation’ is taking place in full view and hearing of my colleagues, and the other offices go strangely quiet; they can hear him, too.)

Me: “[Manager], unless you tell me who it is, I can’t do anything about it, so—”

Manager: “GOD ALMIGHTY, [My Name], you’re just so d***ed useless! I don’t know why we took you on! Bloody useless!” *storms off to the MD’s office*

Me: *to the office in general* “Does anyone know who he’s talking about?”

(My colleagues just shrug, so we get back to work. But now I’m getting angry, and wondering if I’ve taken a problem job. Ten minutes later, the manager asks me to come into the kitchen; he even asks in a nice, polite way. When we get there, he closes the door after us, smiles and says:)

Manager: “[My Name], I’m really sorry for shouting at you like that. The mistake wasn’t yours; it was actually [Other Department]’s fault. It was them who’d talked to the client. I’m sorry for blaming you.”

Me: “Wow, thanks for the apology! But I won’t accept it until you come with me.” *takes him back to our office* “[Manager], would you mind repeating what you said in the kitchen, please?”

Manager: “Really, [My Name]? You’re going to make me embarrass myself?” *gives a jolly hahaho – an obviously fake laugh*

Me: “Yes, [Manager]. I think it’s only right, seeing as you ripped a piece off me without any idea what was going on. ‘New girl gets the blame.’ Is that your style? Anyway, who was the customer?”

Manager: “It was one of [Coworker]’s accounts. Sorry.”

(So, he did apologise — mechanically and monotonously, but he did. That was the first run-in I had with him, and I had many more in the three years I was there. The only reason I was there so long is that I promised myself I’d see him gone before I did. We absolutely hated each other’s guts. When he left, I handed in my notice. I got a better revenge, though. He insisted on giving me a lift home one night in his new car, to show off. I accepted, seeing as it was pouring down. When we got there, he asked if my husband was in (for more bragging), so I took him into the flat. Our little cat was having a bit of a bad tummy reaction to a cat food I’d given her, and she also liked to sit on strangers’ laps. She bounced up onto my manager’s lap, curled up, fell asleep and then farted the smelliest fart I’d ever smelled her do. It was gross, and I loved it a lot. The manager’s face was a picture. Perfect timing, Fuzzball!)

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Massive Conversational Fail

, , , , | Learning | June 12, 2017

(I’m a mature science student in my first year of university. When it comes to choosing optional modules for the second year:)

Me: “…so, I’d like to take the optional history module, assuming I don’t massively fail the exam coming up for this semester’s optional history module.”

Adviser: “Don’t worry. When have you massively failed at anything?”

Me: “Well, when I was fifteen, doing GCSEs. That’s why I’m ten years older than everyone else here.”

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Your Demand Has Shattered

, , , , | Right | June 2, 2017

(It has just been Christmas so people are coming in to exchange or refund unwanted gifts. I am standing beside my coworker whilst he deals with this specific customer.)

Customer: “Hello, I would like to return this aftershave I bought. I have a receipt.”

Coworker: “Okay, no problem. Is there anything wrong with it?”

Customer: “Yes. I dropped it on the floor and the bottle smashed so I want my money back.”

Coworker: *opens the box and finds it is just a box of glass* “I’m sorry but you will not be able to return this item. You dropped it and it smashed. It’s a glass bottle; they smash if dropped. It’s not a fault.”

Customer: “I dropped it on SOFT FLOORING and it shouldn’t have smashed, so the bottle was faulty. I would like my money back!”

(At this point the customer’s friend interrupts.)

Friend: “Well, you did drop it on wooden flooring.”

Customer: “It shouldn’t have broken!”

Coworker: “I understand the upset but we cannot issue a refund because you damaged the product when you got home. It doesn’t work that way.”

Customer: *getting angry* “IT SHOULDN’T HAVE BROKEN! I work in a perfume shop and I know that the bottle shouldn’t have broken.”

(She then proceeds to grab the tester we have at the till.)

Customer: “Look, if I throw this tester on the floor it won’t break.”

Coworker: “Please don’t throw that on the floor. It WILL break and I will have to clean it up. I’m sorry your item got damaged but we are not able to refund it in store today. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “WELL, I AM NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN! YOU HAVE LOST A LOYAL CUSTOMER. GOODBYE.”

(She stormed out the shop whilst my coworker and I stood there in a state of shock.)

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Advocating Alcoholic Desserts

, , , , , | Right | May 31, 2017

(I am buying drinks for Christmas with a friend. I pick up a bottle of Advocaat.)

Friend: “I’ve never had that. What’s it like?”

Me: “Pretty much just tastes like alcoholic custard.”

Customer: *laughing* “That’s brilliant! Does that mean I can put it on my dessert?”

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