Neither Gratis Nor Grateful

| Right | October 26, 2009

(At the mall one day as a customer, I get tired and try to find a place to sit. All the benches are taken, so I sit in one of the coin-op massage chairs. Another customer in the chair next to me turns to talk.)

Other customer: “This isn’t all that great.”

Me: “What’s not?”

Other customer: “This chair. I hardly feel a thing!”

Me: “That’s odd. I guess I won’t pay for a massage, then.”

Other customer: “Pay? It isn’t free?”

Me: “No, you have to put some money into the coin slot there. I guess that’s why yours isn’t working.” *laughs*

Other customer: “Why are you laughing?” *hands me a dollar* “Make it vibrate!”

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More Cars Than Common Sense

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2009

(I work as a security officer in a mall. Every now and then, we’ll take shoppers to their cars in our “mall mobiles” as a public service.)

Me: “Hi, how are y’all doing?”

Husband: “Doing good. We just parked over there. We drive a black Lexus.”

(I’m unable to find the car in the parking lot the couple thought they parked in. I tell the other officers to help search for it in the other lots and garages.)

Wife: “What if the car got stolen?”

Me: “Well, you could file a report with us and the police.”

Wife: “That’s all? But what about our car?”

Me: “That’s all we can do, ma’am.”

(After a little over an hour, we finally declare the vehicle stolen.)

Wife: “Our car got stolen! How could you let this happen? What’s the point of you guys, anyway? You’re completely useless! We spend our money here so you guys can get paid, and you can’t even keep our cars from getting stolen! So useless!”

(They file a report with us as well as the city police, and they leave for home via taxi. After about an hour, the lieutenant comes over the radio.

Lieutenant: “You can forget about that report. That couple got home and found their car in their garage. They forgot they drove a different car tonight.”


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Only The Undead Ones

, , , | Right | August 15, 2008

(Our store is in a mall, but instead of having the gates like most stores, we have big glass doors.  The mall closes at 9 pm; at 9:30 pm, a customer comes up to the door.)

Customer: *pulls at the door, then knocks*

Employee: *goes over to the door and unlocks it*

Customer: “Are ya’ll closed?”

Employee: “Yes, and so is every other store in this mall.”

Customer: “Why? Ya’ll should stay open at night. Ain’t that when your customers come out?”

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Miracle On Placebo Street

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2008

(I am a waiter at a ’50s style dinner in a mall restaurant. A customer asks me to turn the heat up.)

Customer: “It’s a little cold in here. Could you turn the heat up?”

Me: “I would love to, but the restaurant is open to the mall and we have no control over the mall temperature.”

Customer: “Could you please just try?”

Me: “I would love to, but there is no way–”

Customer: “I would really appreciate it if you would just try.”

Me: “I’ll be right back and see what I can do.”

(I then proceed to walk into the back house and munch on some onion rings. After a few minutes pass, I walk out.)

Me: “How’s that?”

Customer: “Much better!”


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