(My first daughter is about four months old. I have her in a baby carriage and am doing some shopping at the mall. She is sleeping peacefully until …)

Old Lady: “Oh! A baby!” *sticks her face up very close to my daughter, who wakes up and starts wailing in terror*

Old Lady: “Oh, no, now she’s crying! She must need a nap.”

Me: “Um, she just HAD a nap. She’s crying because you frightened her.”

Old Lady: “No, dear, I have a lot more experience with babies than you do, and this child needs a nap. I can tell.”

Me: *starting to get angry* “I TOLD you; she doesn’t need a nap. What she needs is for you to leave her alone.”

(Just then, the old lady’s friend joins her.)

Old Lady’s Friend: “A baby! Oh, she’s crying! What’s wrong with her?”

Old Lady: “She needs a nap.” *whispering* “So does her mother.”

(Due to her medical condition, my aunt can’t drive out of town. My uncle drives her up so my family can take care of her while he and my other aunt fly out to see their grandchildren. While she is here, I take my aunt out shopping and we buy a large bone for her Dalmatian and some treats for my cocker spaniel.)

Pastor: *driving by, rolls down his window* “Hey, could I have some spare change?”

Me: “Hey!” *waves*

Pastor: “What’s that big bone for? Not for [My Dog], is it?”

Aunt: “Heavens, no! [My Dog] can’t chew through it if her life depended on it! It’s for my dog.”

Pastor: “How big is it?”

Aunt: “She’s 77 pounds.”

Pastor: “…I’d go buy her another bone.”

Complete Stranger: “Your hair is fantastic! I’ve never seen ringlets so perfect outside of a movie.”

Me: “Um, thank you?”

(I don’t know if she genuinely thought that, or if she’d caught herself staring at my wheelchair and was trying to cover it up, but it was one of the nicest things that anyone said to me that week.)

(I’m at a mall with my friends. It’s Memorial Day and the mall is open for Memorial Day sales. We are waiting in line at a store, right behind a fifty-something woman, when this happens.)

Customer: “You shouldn’t be working today! You should be at home, remembering the fallen!”

Cashier: “I didn’t choose to be here. This is my job.”

Customer: *getting angry* “I don’t care! This is an outrage!. You are disrespecting the troops!”

Cashier: “Well, if I wasn’t working here today, you wouldn’t be able to buy this stuff, so I wouldn’t talk like that.”

Customer: *stammering* “But you still aren’t—”

Cashier: “Ma’am, my dad died in combat. I would rather be at home, remembering him, than here, dealing with ungrateful customers like you. You are the reason why I’m here today. So don’t tell me I’m being disrespectful.”

(The woman shut up, paid for her items, and left.)

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(Recently, severe eye strain has caused a couple of blood vessels in my eyes to burst, turning the white areas completely red. Naturally, this is extremely creepy. The doctor says it’ll stay this way for several weeks, heal on its own, and eventually return to normal. Until then, I look bizarre and am forced to walk around like this. I stop at the fountain to make a call that an old man and woman approach me. The old woman clicks her tongue.)

Woman: “Oh, you poor dear. That’s horrible.”

Me: “Oh, it doesn’t hurt or anything. It’s just temporary.”

Woman: “Oh, no, it’s not temporary. Once you’ve got it, it’s hooked in you.”

Me: *thoroughly confused* “Huh?”

Woman: “Dear, you need to have that dealt with before it gets worse.”

Me: “There’s really nothing they can do for it. It’ll heal on its own.”

(The old man suddenly grabs my shoulders and SHOVES me back into the fountain, dunking me under the water and holding me there. I can vaguely hear him yelling something as I’m struggling to break the surface and kicking furiously at him. Now, the old woman is helping hold me down and I can see the outlines of other people grabbing at them, trying to pry them off of me. Finally, I’m pulled out of the fountain by a younger woman. She drags me away while the old man is yelling.)

Man: “I HAVE BAPTIZED THEE IN THE NAME OF THY LORD JESUS! BEGONE, FOUL DEVIL!”

Bystander: “ARE YOU TWO COMPLETE IDIOTS!?”

Woman: “She’s got a devil! That’s why she struggled! The holy water burned it! She needs to be purified!”

Bystander: “OR SHE COULD’VE BEEN DROWNING, YOU F******* HAG!”

(By this time, security had shown up and dragged the couple away, still raving about the ‘devil’ I’ had in me. I received a gift card from mall corporate for my brief misery. Oddly enough, a few days later, one of my eyes started to clear up surprisingly rapidly. Well, even if I was only half-possessed, I don’t think being baptized in a mall wishing fountain is a cure that’s going to catch on anytime soon!)