Scalp First, Ask Questions Later

| Working | May 12, 2013

(I’m walking around the mall. As I walk past the kiosk, one of the saleswomen comes up BEHIND me and sticks the vibrating head massager on my scalp.)

Me: *shrieks* “What do you think you’re doing?!”

Saleswoman: “Doesn’t that feel great on your scalp?”

Me: “No! I don’t like things that vibrate! And why would you run up and stick that ON MY HEAD! I don’t know who else’s head that been on!”

Saleswoman: “I thought if you felt how great it feels, you’d be interested in buying it.”

Me: “So you honestly thought it was a good idea to come up BEHIND someone and stick something on their head without asking them?”

Saleswoman: “I thought you’d like it!”

Me: “…”

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Invasion Of The Snotty Dispatchers

| Learning | May 2, 2013

(I’m at large shopping centre, and a group walks past me. They consist of a 20-something year old man and woman, and four boys around 10 years old. The woman is speaking with a strong accent, and three of the four boys are speaking very broken English with a range of different accents. All of them are wearing shirts with the same logos on the back and front. An older woman walking past suddenly rounds on the adults and starts berating them.)

Older Woman: “I can’t believe you two are having kids at your age! You should be ashamed of yourselves, having four children when you’re barely even out of school!”

(The younger woman manages to get out a “We’re not&mdash” before being cut off by the man. The man’s speaking loudly enough for several people around to stop and watch, ourselves included.)

Man: “That’s an excellent point madam, especially with the two of us being at universities in separate countries, which makes raising four 11 year olds boys extremely hard. But I’d like you to take a quick look at our little group – specifically, the ethnicities, accents, and clothing we’re wearing. Now, one possibility is that we’re a group of shapeshifting aliens with a poor grasp of human diversity and fashion, having chosen these forms in an attempt to blend in and gather information for our coming invasion. The other possibility is that you’re assuming incorrectly and these aren’t our children, and we’re with an international exchange project giving theses kids a taste of other cultures from around the world. Realistically, which one do you think it is?”

(The older woman stutters slightly, then noticing the now laughing crowd turns to leave.)

Man: “You might want to remember this conversation if you run into one of the other five groups walking around the centre today, too!”

Younger Woman: “[Man’s name], that was mean…”

Man: “Yup.” *to the kids* “Who wants to go find the Lego store?”

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May Have Been A Sister, But Nobody Missed Her

| Learning | April 24, 2013

(I am a member of a sorority, but I don’t look like the typical “sorority sister,” so I get a lot of double-takes. Normally, the double-take is all that happens. On this day, I’m shopping while wearing one of my letter shirts. I see another girl wearing her letters and it’s the same sorority as mine. I approach her.)

Me: “Hey! You’re in [sorority]! Always nice to meet a fellow sister!”

Sorority Girl: *looks me up and down* “You’re in [sorority]?! How on earth did YOU get in?”

Me: “Well, I went through recruitment, filled out my bid card, and was welcomed with open arms on Bid Day — same as most all other sorority women.”

Sorority Girl: “Wow. They will take anyone now! Why would you even want to join a sorority? You think you’ll suddenly be thin and pretty and all the guys will want you? It doesn’t work that way.”

Me: “Wow. I don’t think [founder of sorority] had this kind of behavior in mind when she started [sorority]. By the way, do you go to [university]?”

Sorority Girl: “Yeah. I’m going to be a sophomore!”

Me: “Well, allow me to introduce myself. My name is [name], I’ve been in [sorority] for six years so far—four in college, two as an alumna—and I am one of the new advisors for your chapter.”

Sorority Girl: *turns white and scampers off*

(Thankfully, By the end of the year, she had been kicked out for drinking and attempted hazing of several new members.)

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The Un-fairer Sex

| Related | April 22, 2013

(I work in a magic shop at the mall. Two little boys, maybe seven or eight years old, come in to browse. They are behaving, so I don’t pay them much attention until one of them suddenly reprimands his friend loudly.)

Boy: “You mean you hit him just because he was smaller than you? That’s ignorant!”

(I am mentally applauding this young man’s moral compass, when he finishes his statement.)

Boy: “That’s something a GIRL would do!”

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I’ll Give You Forever 21 Guesses

| Related | April 17, 2013

(My aunt, cousin, best friend, and I go to the mall. We decide to split up and meet again in an hour for lunch.)

Aunt: “How was your shopping? Where did you go?”

Me: “Guess.”

Aunt: “Ummm… Natural Wonders?”

Me: “No, Guess.”

Aunt: I am! A book store?”

Me: “No, we went to Guess! It’s a clothing store!”

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