(When I was little, I had an irrational fear of being sucked into the escalator if I didn’t promptly get off when I reached the top or bottom. That fear has stayed with me even after 20 years. When my boyfriend found out about this, he started deliberately pausing at the end of the escalator, causing me to panic and crash into him. He does this one day for the umpteenth time.)

Me: “You have to stop doing that! You know how much I hate being blocked on the escalator.” *sulks*

Boyfriend: “Aww, don’t be mad. Do you know why I block you at the end?”

Me: “Because you’re evil.”

Boyfriend: “Because you run out of room to move and have no choice but to hug me. And I like it when you hug me.”

(I am with a good friend in a shopping centre, and we are just walking around and chatting when a trashy-looking guy approaches us.)

Guy: *to me* “Your shorts are really ugly.”

Me: *taken aback*

Guy: “I hate it when girls wear high-waist shorts; they’re, like, not sexy at all.”

Me: “Oh, no! I must go home and change my entire outfit immediately because some guy I JUST met doesn’t like my shorts! Thank god you told me; otherwise I would have been SO embarrassed!”

Guy: *turning red*

Me: *louder so more people in the vicinity can hear* “Thank you so much for pointing out what’s wrong with what I’m wearing, despite the fact that I actually don’t give a f*** what you think and nor would any girl. So, piss off a**hole.” *walks away*

Friend: *grinning* “This is why we’re friends.”

(My mother and I are at the mall, but since my mother is in her 60s and deals with various health problems she has to sit while I continue shopping. A man comes out of one store and proceeds to stare at my mom. It should be noted my mother is overweight and always has been despite living a healthy lifestyle.)

Man: *walking up to my mother* “You know, if you walked around a little, you could lose some of that weight.”

My Mother: “That is true, but you could walk until you were blue in the face and it wouldn’t help you with your rudeness.”

Man: *shocked at her response*

My Mother: *pleasantly* “Have a nice day, sir!”

(He left her alone after that.)

(I’m helping with a fundraiser at the local mall. We have various stalls set up selling special items or offering special services, with all the profits going to charity. A woman that recently opened a hair salon arrives and asks to speak to one of the staff as she sets up.)

Woman: “You know, I was thinking on the way over here. This is usually a day off for me, yet I’ve agreed to come in and work for you.”

Me: “Yes, well, it’s for a good cause.”

Woman: “Yeah, but I’m not going to see a single penny for today.”

Me: “Again, that’s because it’s going to charity.”

Woman: “I know but… well, I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t think this is at all fair for me, so I want to ask for an amendment to be made.”

Me: “And that is?”

Woman: “Either I get 50% of the profits from today, or I walk.”

(There is a moment of stunned silence. Slowly I look around at the other people, many of whom have likewise agreed to come and work on their days off without protest.)

Me: “Well, I guess you walk, then.”

Woman: “…What?!”

Me: “If you don’t want to work for free, then you’re free to leave.”

Woman: “Wha… but… I’ve got folks coming for me to do their hair today! They’ll be wondering where I am!”

Me: “Then I’ll tell them what you said about demanding the right to take money from charity.”

Woman: “WHAT?! But that’ll kill business for me!”

Me: “Well, that’s on you. Everyone here agreed to the hours and the terms of this fundraiser, and none of them have expressed the selfish attitude I’m hearing from you.”

Woman: “Okay, I’ll stay! I’ll stay!”

(She frantically begins setting up, then goes to work without a peep. Thinking that’s that, I go back to helping with the other businesses who’re participating. A few hours later I’m approached by another lady.)

Lady: “Hey, I don’t want to complain, but the woman from the hair salon over there? She’s been telling every customer she’s worked with how unfair it is that you’re not paying her for this charity event. It’s making several people rather uneasy.”

Me: *sigh* “Hold on. I’ll get my manager.”

(We contacted security and promptly have her removed from the mall. Surprisingly, she still managed to stay in business afterwards.)

(I’m at the mall with two cousins, who are brother and sister.)

Cousin #1: *sniffs the air* “Smells like… teen spirit.”

(It is obvious that he is making a reference to the Nirvana song. His sister, however, doesn’t realize.)

Cousin #2: “What?”

Cousin #1: “You know! Nirvana! *points to me, as I’m wearing a Nirvana shirt*

Cousin #2: “Oh! I thought you were talking about the deodorant!”