A War Unwon

| Right | November 19, 2011

(I am on leave and meeting an old friend in a restaurant inside a mall. Since I don’t know the area, I get there early and decide to window-shop beforehand. An old guy in his 80s approaches me.)

Customer: “I remember the good days when I didn’t have to see many of you orientals. Now, you’re everywhere stealing our jobs. All you do is get in the way and take from my great country.”

Me: “Sir, I’m a Marine. I’ve been in Afghanistan on multiple tours for the last three years. I serve OUR great country.”

Customer: “Oh! That’s good. Better you than losing some American boys.”

(I think about how the Marines trained me to survive everything an enemy can throw at us, but not how to listen to an old racist white man.)

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Time To Ring Your Neck

| Romantic | October 27, 2011

(My boyfriend and I are a fairly new couple. One day, he tells me that he’s gotten something for my birthday, and that we need to pick it up at the mall.)

Me: “Where are we going?”

Him: “It’s a surprise!”

(We walk into the elevator and go to the second story. The elevator doors open and we walk out.)

Him: “Okay, which way is Tiffany’s?”

Me: *my jaw drops* “Um, this way, to the left…”

Him: “Oh, good! We’re going this way to the right!”

(He takes me in the opposite direction of Tiffany’s. He didn’t get me a ring, so he’s lucky he didn’t get in as much trouble as he should have!)

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Pet Names Unleashed

| Romantic | October 27, 2011

(I’m working at a very crowded mall when a teenage girl yells in my direction.)

Teenage girl: “Where are you, my dumb pig?!”

Me: “Sorry, what are you looking for?”

Teenage girl: “My dumb pig disappeared. I left him right here and told him to wait for me.”

Me: “You left your pig here? Why wasn’t it on a leash?”

Teenage girl: “Not the animal kind of pig, my boyfriend!”

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Full Of Soda And Fury, Signifying Nothing

| Right | August 31, 2011

(I work at a fast food restaurant in a food court in a mall. Our kid meals come in “to go” bags, regardless if the order is to go, or not. A mother comes up to my register and orders two kids meals bags to go.)

Me: “Here is your order. Do you want any sauces or ketchup?”

Customer: “I said I wanted this to go.”

(I look down at her order a bit confused.)

Me: “I’m sorry. Did you want a cup carrier for the drinks?”

Customer: “No, stupid! I want to have a to go bag for my food.”

Me: “But your food is in bags.”

Customer: “Just give me a d*** bag.”

(I give the mother two of our biggest bags which are the same size as the kids meal bags.)

Customer: “I only need one!”

(The customer shoves the two kids meals into the one bag and crams the drinks in as well. To top it off, she rolls the tops of the bag down, further crushing the drinks. Then, she shoves the entire mess into her large purse.)

Customer: “See! Look how much of an idiot you are!”

(She walks away in a huff, with her purse dripping soda behind her.)

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Taking It Just A Hair Too Far

| Right | August 30, 2011

(This happened when I was 11 and at a shopping mall. I am sitting outside the restroom waiting for my friends to come out of the bathroom. A lady comes out of the nearby salon and comes over to me.)

Lady: “Oh what pretty black hair you have!”

Me: “Oh, uh, thanks, but actually its brown. It’s just wet right now.”

Lady: “Oh, why didn’t you dry it?”

Me: “My hairdryer’s broken.”

Lady: “Oh!”

(She grabs my wrist and drags me into the salon.)

Me: “Let go of me!”

(She continues holding my wrist and grabs a hairdryer.)

Worker: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but, weren’t you just here? And, uh, what are you doing?”

Lady: “She has dripping wet hair!” *turns hairdryer on*

(She finally lets go of my wrist and puts the dryer down.)

Me: “You’re insane!”

(I run to my friends, who are waiting outside, laughing.)

Lady: “I was just trying to help!”

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