Skirting The Real Issue

| Romantic | January 30, 2012

(I am shopping with my boyfriend. I try to describe to him what I’m looking for.)

Me: “I’m looking for black leather shoes with heels.”

Boyfriend: “You don’t really think I’m helping you with your shoe shopping, do you?”

Me: “Oh, come on! I was helping you when you needed new trousers, new shoes, and that new belt!”

Boyfriend: “Well, I love to come shopping with you when you need new underwear, skirts, tights, bras, bikinis…”

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Off The Cuff Remarks

| Related | January 28, 2012

(I am paying at the register. My 5-year-old daughter points at something behind me.)

Daughter: “Hey, daddy has those! Look! Daddy has some just like these!”

Cashier: *giggles*

(I shoot around and see my daughter is pointing at handcuffs. I pay quickly and leave as fast as I can.)

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Sibling Rivalry Is Relative

| Related | January 24, 2012

(I am male and three years younger than my older sister, though both of us are in our 30s. We are shopping for a gift to purchase for our parents for Christmas.)

Cashier: “Are you two related?”

Sister: “Yes, we are. He is my brother.”

Cashier: “Oh!” *points to me* “You must be the older one!”

Sister: “Ha! She said you look old!”

Cashier: “Oh, no! I didn’t mean that.

Me: *to my sister* Don’t worry, she just meant that you act too immature for people to think you are 36.”

Cashier: “No, wait! I didn’t mean that either!”

Sister: “It’s okay, you can admit it. He looks really old for 33.”

Cashier: “But, I…I’m sorry.”

Me: “No need to be sorry, we all know my sister is really immature.”

Cashier: “I swear, I didn’t mean that!”

Sister: “It’s okay, really. He looks horrible for his age.”

(The cashier realizes we have been having fun with her and smiles.)

Cashier: “Okay, I understand. I’m glad I’m an only child. This was really confusing!”

Sister: “Want my brother? He’s only slightly used!”

Me: “Or, you could take my sister. She should be house-trained by now.”

Cashier: *giggles* “I’ll just hand you your receipt instead.”

Sister: *takes receipt* “Have a nice day! Let me know if you change your mind on a slightly used 33 year-old male! Only one previous owner!”

Me: “Or a semi-house trained female! I have her papers!”

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Be Prepared For Explosive Flavor

| Right | January 24, 2012

(I’m eating in the mall food court when I see an angry man approaches a security guard. It looks serious, so I try to listen to their conversation. I only hear a few fragments.)

Angry guy: “Security alert…suspicious item…chemical spill…At other places, the security staff works in conjunction with the local police, bomb squad, and haz-mat team! [Nearby military base] is pretty high on al-Qaeda’s list of targets. I don’t feel safe at all!”

(The angry guy stomps off. I’m a little worried at this point, so I walk up to the security guard.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Security guard: “Nothing. Somebody left an open can of Coke in the middle of the floor.”

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All I Want For Christmas Is You

, , , , | Right | January 17, 2012

(I am working at a gift-wrapping booth at the mall. Since it is Christmas time, there are a lot of security guards around. A couple of security guards walk by the gift-wrap booth, eyeing the price list.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Female Security Guard: “Excuse me, how much would it be to wrap him up?” *points at one of the other security guards*

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