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Halloweird

, , , , , , | Right | October 22, 2015

(I work at a bakery located in a mall. Since we’re considered a “family mall,” we have a lot of events for kids, like all day trick-or-treating on Halloween. My first Halloween, they have me handing out candy to long lines of waiting kids and parents. A mom and dad with their baby come up.)

Me: “Here you go!”

(I hand the baby a piece of candy and the mom snaps a picture. I smile and say goodbye while going back to handing out candy to the other children. A few minutes later they come back, gesturing towards their baby.)

Me: “Oh, ma’am, I can’t give out more than one…”

(They just smiled and nodded at me and didn’t say anything, just looking at me and then back at the kid. At that point, I was pretty sure they didn’t understand a word I was saying. Suddenly, they stuck the baby next to my head and the mom snapped another picture. They smiled and left, very excited. I guess I was baby’s first trick-or-treat. I like to think that in a few years when the little girl looks back, she’s going to have a good laugh at the confused look on my face.)


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Needs To Find A Better Outlet To Vent

| Working | October 9, 2015

(I’m at the food court and I need a power outlet. Five of the six places are occupied with people eating. The sixth contains a magazine, a drink cup, and an (obvious open) purse on top of the magazine. No one is nearby. I figure the owner has foolishly stepped away to get something from one of the eateries and will return promptly. Or, she’s wandered off and left her things lying around and will notice the total lack of purse and come running at any moment. I choose to eat lunch close to the ‘unoccupied’ table, figuring that when she returned to claim her items I could move to the table. 30 minutes pass, my lunch is finished, and no one has returned for the items or even looked at them twice. I carefully pick up the magazine (not touching the purse) and drink, and move them to a table about 4 feet away. I then plug in my computer and begin to work. 20 minutes later a woman comes storming up to me.)

Her: “DID YOU MOVE MY STUFF?!”

Me: “Yes. I waited about 30 minutes for someone to claim it, then moved it because I needed the outlet.”

Her: “WHO THE F*** SAID YOU COULD MOVE MY STUFF?!”

Me: “No one. Considering how long you left your things unattended, I’m surprised that no one took them.”

(I put my earbud back in and turn back to my computer. I am aware of her continued ranting, but as I’ve been pretty obvious about replacing the ear bud, I ignore her. Eventually she wanders off. 10 minutes later, an older man comes over. I remove the earbud. He’s being reasonably polite. I respond in kind.)

Him: “Did you move my employee’s items?”

Me: “Yes. They had been left unattended for at least 30 minutes before I moved them. I needed the outlet, so I moved them to the nearest table.”

Him: “You shouldn’t touch other people’s things.”

Me: “I actually sat at that table -” *pointing* “- for 30 minutes, waiting for someone to collect the abandoned items before I moved them. Your employee is lucky that someone didn’t come along and take her things.”

Him: “She says she was watching her stuff all the time.”

Me: “That seems unlikely, since no one was around for 30 minutes before I moved them, and she didn’t approach me until 20 minutes after I moved them.”

Him: “She also didn’t like how you spoke to her.”

Me: “I regret that.”

Him: *nonplussed* “She says you just moved her stuff and was rude.”

Me: *done with this conversation now* “She’s welcome to her version of what happened.”

(I put the earbud back in. A few minutes later, I glanced up and saw the woman ranting at her boss. With the earbuds in, I opted to ignore them. Kudos to the boss for going to bat for the employee. I rarely find a boss willing to stand up for an employee. Too bad this boss chose the wrong woman to stand up for.)

The Scotch Is The Icing On The Cake

| Related | September 15, 2015

(My brother and mother are in town for a long weekend and I show them the local Galleria. My brother has his own ideas of how to entertain himself.)

Brother: “I’ll be at the Cheesecake Factory bar; meet me there… I may smell of Scotch and cheesecake…”

A Discrimination Education

| Friendly | August 23, 2015

(I’m hanging out with two of my friends at the mall, both whom are a lesbian couple. We’re eating at the food court and Friend #1 playfully shoves a spoonful of ice cream in her girlfriend’s face. At the table next to us, an older man and woman make noises of disgust and the man starts grumbling.)

Man: “Disgusting.”

Woman: “Hell sure is getting full these days.”

(My friends immediately sober from humiliation and fall silent.)

Me: “GOD-D*****!”

(Several people look over as I shout that as loudly as I can and stand up, facing the couple expectantly. They both stare at me.)

Man: “What?!”

Me: “Well?”

Woman: “Well, what!?”

Me: “I blasphemed the Lord. Aren’t you going to put me to death?”

Man: “What!?”

Me: “Leviticus 24:16, anyone who blasphemes the Lord must be put to death. The entire assembly is to stone them. HEAR THAT!? ALL OF YOU GET OVER HERE AND HELP THESE PEOPLE KILL ME!”

Man: “Shut up! Are you nuts? You trying to get us arrested?”

Me: “It’s only fair. Since you so dutifully follow the bible as to condemn my two friends here for being gay, it’s only right you follow the rest of it. I blasphemed; now you gotta stone me. Here, want me to look up the verse to prove it?”

(I pull out my phone. By this point, the whole food court has gone silent staring at us.)

Woman: “We’re not going to kill you!”

Me: “That would be violating God’s laws. You don’t want to go to Hell, do you?”

Woman: *sputters*

Man: “Murder is freaking illegal!”

Me: “So is discrimination. Most of the Old Testament rules were either made useless thanks to the New Testament, or are heavily illegal these days. So if you so-called believers are going to pick and choose which old, obsolete rules you’re going to follow just because you’re cowardly hacks, expect to be ridiculed in return. So you know, all three of us are Christians. God’s supposed to be forgiving and love everyone. Maybe you should learn something from that.”

(I pick up our lunches and move myself and my friends to another table. The couple stays put, but soon leaves thanks to the dozens of angry glares thrown their way.)

Friend #1: “[My Name], holy s***, that was insane!”

Me: “I knew memorizing all that would come in handy someday.”

The Key To Revenge

| Friendly | August 22, 2015

(My dad and I are going to a movie at a busy time of the day. There are only a few parking spots available, so everybody is searching for them. We finally find one and turn our turn signal on to claim the spot as the driver leaving the spot gets ready.)

Me: “Hey, look, there is a spot!”

(My dad waits for driver to leave. It takes about a minute.)

Dad: “Finally. I thought he would never leave.”

(Starts to pull in, but a minivan pulls right in front of us.)

Dad: “Hey! What are you doing!?”

Lady In Van: “This is my spot! I have been waiting here forever! Maybe you should wait your turn!”

(She had not been at the spot at all.)

Dad: “Yeah! Screw you, lady!”

(We speed off to find another spot, and I cannot stop laughing about what happened. We find one and head inside to meet my mom, and we see the lady in front of us in line.)

Mom: “What took you so long?”

Dad: “Some b**** took my spot in the parking lot. I keyed her car.”

(He didn’t actually key her car, but he wanted to freak her out. She quickly hurried to check on her car!)