Baby Talk To Make You Balk

| Right | October 28, 2013

(My neighbors have gone out for the day, and have asked me to babysit their youngest daughter, who is about two years old. I bring her to the mall so we can do a little shopping. I have her strapped into her stroller, and am pushing her around through the clothes racks. As I pause to look at some tops, a rather large customer walks past a rack, and knocks off some of the merchandise. She bends over to pick up the clothes.)

Two-Year-Old: “D***! That lady got a fat a**!”

(The customer rounds on me with a death glare.)

Customer: “What did you just say?!”

(I point at the two-year-old girl, completely mortified.)

Me: “I am so sorry! That was her!”

(The customer opens her mouth to berate me when the two-year-old girl pipes up again.)

Two-Year-Old: “D***! What a fat b****!”

(The customer stares at the little girl in shock before glaring at me again.)

Me: “She’s not mine! I’m just babysitting!” *to the child* “You shouldn’t say things like that! It’s very mean, and rude! Who taught you that anyways?!”

Two-Year-Old: “Big sister! Now buy me candy, b****!”

(I quickly wheeled her away under the glaring gaze of the customer. I didn’t babysit her ever again!)

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Herding Her Daughter Out Of The Store

| Related | October 18, 2013

(My mother and I are clothes shopping, when I notice a comic book store has opened. Being a massive geek, I have to go check it out. My mother, who is tolerant but not at all interested, follows reluctantly. Her hobby is equestrian-eventing and she always refers to the horses affectionately as ‘ponies.’ I walk into the store and immediately end up chatting with the cashier, because she is wearing a ‘Doctor Who’ t-shirt, and she has a sonic screwdriver on her belt. My mother is wandering around the store poking things for about three minutes, and then comes to stand behind me.)

Mother: *in a whisper* “I like ponies.”

(I ignore and continue chatting to the cashier.)

Mother: *a bit louder* “I like ponies.”

Me: “Okay, Mom, let me just find [issue of Doctor Who comic], and then we’ll be off.”

Mother: *following me through the shelves* “I like ponies!” *louder* “I like ponies!”

Me: “Ah here it is; let me pay and we can leave.”

Mother: *almost yelling* “I like ponies!”

(I go back and chat with the cashier, while she rings up the comic and finds the name of another series we’d talked about.)


Cashier: *laughing uncontrollably* “I take it you’re the household geek-a-freak?”

Me: “You have no idea.”

Mother: “PO-NIES!”

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She’s At That (Orphan)Age, Part 3

| Related | October 11, 2013

(I am three years old. My mom takes me shopping at one of the big department stores. They have a cafeteria downstairs and clothing on the second floor. While my mom is shopping, I wander off. She searches frantically for me and finally finds me in the cafeteria surrounded by people and candy, eating ice cream. My only excuse is I really love ‘Little Orphan Annie.’)

Me: “Yes, I’m an orphan. My orphan house mother is so mean. We never get candy and she never lets us sing…”

(It takes a little convincing on my mother’s part to make them believe I am lying. I like to think she eventually forgave me.)


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Engine Failure

| Romantic | October 4, 2013

(I am wandering through the mall, and a guy working at the pet store decides to try hitting on me. After a minute or two of small talk, he switches tactics and tries some bragging.)

Guy: “So, you know, I can work on any kind of engine that has ever been built!”

Me: “Really? What do you think of sleeve-valves?”

(The guy stares at me blankly.)

Me: “You know, sleeve-valves. Aren’t they neat? I know they had their problems, but it’s such a shame that they never really gained popularity.”

Guy: “Sleeve-valves?”

Me: “They were used in engines of some of the cars from the 1920’s, mostly the Sterns and Willys Knights.”

Guy: “Oh, well I meant I can work on any modern engine that has ever been built.”

(I think he picked the wrong girl to try out that pick-up line. It’s a shame too; if he had actually been able to back up his statement, he would have had me hook, line, and sinker.)

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Sizing Up Your Siblings

| Related | September 20, 2013

(I’m out shopping, when I hear this conversation between an adult, and a little girl with her brother in a pram.)

Adult: “Aren’t you a good big sister?”

Girl: “I’m not a big sister; I’m just a middle-sized sister.”

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