All I Want For Christmas Is You

| Right | January 17, 2012

(I am working at a gift-wrapping booth at the mall. Since it is Christmas time, there are a lot of security guards around. A couple of security guards walk by the gift-wrap booth, eyeing the price list.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Female security guard: “Excuse me, how much would it be to wrap him up?” *points at one of the other security guards*

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Telling Your Ex-Husband Straight

| Romantic | January 12, 2012

(I encounter my ex-wife while we’re both Christmas shopping.)

Me: “Have you done a Katy Perry like you said you would when we split?”

Her: “Yes. I did more than just kiss a girl, actually. I’m in love with one. We moved in together last month.”

(I pause to digest that information.)

Me: “I told you for years while we were married that women were the superior gender.”

Her: “Yes, but back then I didn’t believe you!”

 

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Bad iDea

| Related | January 11, 2012

(My family and I are at a mall doing some Christmas shopping.)

Dad: “Well, guys, can you think of anything you want for Christmas?”

Mom: “Hey, an Apple Store! I know what I want!”

(She runs in. Knowing that she knows nothing about technology, I run in after her. One of the Apple store attendants is already on her.)

Attendant: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Mom: “Yes, I’d like a Nintendo Wii, please?”

(The attendant gives her a blank stare. I stop dead.)

Attendant: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t sell those here.”

Mom: “No, I understand, it’s the holidays, right?” *she leans in close* “I know you have some in the back. I’ll slip you an extra fifty if you sell me the one you’ve been saving for yourself.”

(She gives him a wink, and he looks to me for help. I proceed to drag her out of the store.)

Mom: “What? I know he has some in the back!”

Me: “Just because it’s white and shiny doesn’t mean it was made by Apple!”

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Blood Is Thicker Than Honesty

| Related | January 2, 2012

(My mom and I walk into a store together, talking to each other. We look very much alike. A woman is by the entrance and this is our encounter with her.)

Woman: “My! Are you two related?!”

(My mom and I look at each other and laugh.)

Mom: “No! We just met right outside the store!”

Me: “You don’t really think we look related, do you?”

Woman: “That’s so funny! You look so much alike! Now that I’ve had more time, I can see that you’re not related though.”

Mom: “How can you tell?”

Woman: “Well, she’s taller than you, your hair is darker, and your features are different. Anyway, I better get back to shopping!”

(We are browsing racks when I find a top I like.)

Me: “Mom! Look at this!”

Mom: “I like it!”

Woman: *from other side of store* “I knew it! You lying liars of lies for lying!”

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The Son You Wish You Had

| Right | December 28, 2011

(I am a greeter for the line to get pictures taken with Santa. A young mother and her two-year-old walk in.)

Me: “Hi! How are you folks doing today? Some little guy sure is adorable!”

Mom: “Hi! Oh, thanks! He looks just like Justin Bieber!”

Me: “Er…congratulations?”

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