Will Need To Have Words With His Son

| Related | February 10, 2014

(I am around nine or ten years old; I’ve just gotten some science-fiction books passed down to me from an older cousin. I come across a strange word, and try to sound it out as I walk behind my dad.)

Me: “Suh-nuh-vab-itch.”

Dad: *turns around and glares* “What!?”

Me: *stares back innocently*

(It wasn’t until I read the book again at the age of 16 that I realised what I’d said to my father!)

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Doesn’t Want To Go Down That Road

, | Friendly | February 5, 2014

(My wife is picking me up from work. I walk out of the mall doors towards my wife’s car, but since it is during the holiday season the parking lot is full and she is stuck behind a car parking, and a cab dropping off a passenger. Behind her was a very irate guy blaring on his horn screaming profanities. I get into my wife’s car as the guy is giving us the finger, but ignore him.)

Me: “Talk about a jerk behind us! Can’t he see the cars blocking us in?”

My Wife: “Some people act so horrible this time of the year.”

(The cars finally clear so we can leave, but I still hear the guys horn so I look behind us only to see the guy following us.)

My Wife: “He will leave us alone when we get to the street.”

Me: “Just in case, I am getting my phone.”

(As I am pulling my phone out of my work bag my wife reaches the street and we turn onto it, so I look behind us and notice the guy still behind us honking his horn and now mouthing the words “‘PULL THE F*** OVER’ while speeding up on us.)

Me: “I think he wants us to pull over to fight or something, but don’t worry about it.”

(I pull out my phone and make it look like I am taking pictures of him and his car’s license plate and mouth the words ‘calling the cops’ a couple of times and put my phone to my ear. The guy hits the brakes so hard he would have caused an accident had all the other drivers not given him room due to his aggressive behaviour.)

Me: “That’s how you deal with road rage.”

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In-Laws In Line

| Related | January 30, 2014

(I am out with my brother in-law and my niece as we go shopping in a mall. We stop by a small coffee place before going in.)

Brother-In-Law: “What do you want? I’ll get you a cup of coffee?”

Me: “You sure?”

Brother-In-Law: “It’s fine. I’ll pay.”

Me: “Alright, bro! I like you! You can go home and kiss my sister!”

(My brother-in-law starts laughing with a few weird stares coming from other customers.)

Brother-In-Law: “I don’t think that’s how the saying goes.”

Me: “Hey, we got kids here. I’m keeping it PG.”

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Where Blow Dry Has Another Meaning

, | Right | January 26, 2014

(I work at a shopping centre. A customer approaches the desk to ask for directions to a shop.)

Me: “Hi! How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. Where is ‘Hairhouse Whorehouse?’”

Me: “Um? Do you mean ‘Hairhouse Warehouse?’”

Customer: “…Oh, god! What did I just say?!”

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Tattoo Twitter Tatter

| Related | January 24, 2014

(My mom, dad, and I are at the local mall getting new cell phones. We all have camera phones now. My dad had also just gotten a new tattoo on his forearm.)

Dad: “Look! I can use my new phone to take a picture of my new tattoo!”

Me: “Who are you going to send that to?”

Dad: “I’m taking the picture so I can show everyone at work!”

Me: “Um, couldn’t you just show everyone your actual tattoo?”

Dad: “…Maybe I want to wear long sleeves!”

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