(Two women come in and pick out several hundred dollars worth of things. This is something that we watch for because it is an excellent tactic for shoplifting. Eventually they approach the counter.)

Girl #1: “Why are they watching us?”

Girl #2: “It’s because we’re Native, isn’t it?”

Me: “No, we have employees stationed at various point through the store at all times to create the optimal experience for customers to be able to locate an employee without much issue.”

(I watch the girl slip a bracelet into her pocket.)

Me: “So with the bracelet in your pocket, your total will be [Total]. And in fact they are one for [Price] or two for [Better Price].

Girl #1: “There is no bracelet in my pocket.”

Me: “That’s because your friend grabbed it while you were trying to cause an issue about your race. I watched you.”

Girl #2: “I’d like to speak with a manager.”

(My manager has been watching on the cameras in the back room. We have video of the girl blatantly taking the bracelet. The manager comes out.)

Manager #1: “Girls, security has been alerted. You have two options here. You can hand over the bracelet and pay for ALL of the items, or face prosecution.”

Girl #2: “You have no proof.”

Manager #1: *points at the camera* “We do.”

(They hand over the bracelet and a gift card.)

Me: “This gift card will not be sufficient to cover the costs of these items.”

(At this point security shows up and escorts them out of the store and asks if we’d like to pursue charges. Thinking they learnt their lesson, we chose not to go forward with charges but did place a ban on them from returning. On my next shift:)

Manager #2: “So, what happened the other day?”

(I explain what happened.)

Manager #2: “That’s not what [District Manager] said. She heard from the girls’ mother. Apparently they called her to lodge a formal complaint after the girls said you called them [derogatory term for Native women].”

Me: “Um, no, I called out the one girl for attempting to steal an item. Then security escorted them out.”

(They launched a full investigation into the incident and finally the girls broke down and explained that they were angry that I had caught them and lied to get me fired.)

(We have a toddler whose middle name is Tiberius.)

Husband: “If we ever have another boy, we should name him James. Leonard James.”

Me: “That’s actually not too bad. I like the name.”

Husband: “And then if we have ANOTHER boy, we can name him Kirk.”

Me: “I don’t really like the name Kirk.”

Husband: “No, you don’t understand. We have to name him Kirk.”

Me: “Wait…”

Husband: “So then we could have James Tiberius Kirk! And then if I become an officer and get to the rank of captain in the army, we could be Captain James Tiberius Kirk!”

(My brother and I live far enough apart that we don’t see each other all the time, but close enough that we will occasionally get together on a whim. Since it’s Memorial Day and neither of us has plans, we decide, day of, to meet up at a mall near his apartment. On my way there, I realize that I left my phone at home, but I am too far to turn around. So, I’m wandering around the mall, trying to run into him, as we hadn’t picked a place inside the mall to meet. While I’m doing this, a clerk of a cosmetic store stopped me in my path.)

Clerk: “Do you want to come and try our new cream?”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Clerk: “You know you want to.”

Me: “I’m fine.”

Clerk: “Come on. Just try it.”

Me: “Thanks, but I’m actually looking for my brother right now.”

Clerk: “Oh, he’s inside!”

Me: “I doubt that.”

Clerk: “Come on, he’s in here!”

Me: “I don’t really see my brother doing that. But you’re doing a really good impression of the creepy candy guy in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”

Clerk: “No, he was lost and scared, looking for his sister, so we let him in here.”

Me: “He’s 22 and lives alone.”

(The clerk finally stopped after that.)

(My older sister and I are twelve and nine. We’re at the mall. My parents do not approve of music made by black people because they’re extremely racist. I didn’t know this until later.)

Dad: *extremely reluctantly* “Okay, since you got an ‘A’ on your test, [My Name], here’s $5 for your allowance.”

Me: *thrilled* “Great!”

Dad: “What’re you going to use it for?”

Me: “I’m gonna buy some music!” *heads off to the music store*

Dad: “OK, don’t go far.” *leaves*

Sister: “Which album are you going to buy?”

Me: “Ummm. I can’t decide.”

Sister: “Ooh, this one is great. Remember it on the radio?”

Me: “Yeah!”

(I end up buying the album, which happens to be by a black artist. Later, when we get home, my parents find out and they try to return it because they’re bigoted. But I hide it. A week goes by.)

Me: “Daddy, it’s time for you to give me my allowance?”

Dad: “NO! You bought that horrible music and you’ll just buy another, so no more money for you!”

Me: “But the album doesn’t even have bad lyrics!”

Dad: “Liar! All black songs have bad lyrics about drugs and prostitutes!”

(True to his word, he never ever gave me money again. Later, when I was a teen, I told him that as revenge I’m going to play that ‘horrible’ song when he’s old in the nursing home.)

(I am eating a quick lunch in the food court of my local mall. I happen to overhear parts of this conversation between two well-dressed forty-something businessmen at the table next to me. There are a lot of ridiculously high-paying tech companies in my area.)

Man #1: “I love winter sports, but of course I always travel somewhere with better snow when I want to go snowboarding.”

Man #2: “Snowboarding is just so frustrating for me, because I wear a size 14 shoe, and they just don’t make [Expensive Designer Snowboards] big enough for me.”

(Later:)

Man #1: “The worst part about helicopter skiing in Europe is that the places you go are just so remote.”

Man #2: “Definitely. I agree.”

Man #1: “The last time I went helicopter skiing, after about a week we got snowed in and I was stuck at the resort with nothing to do for three days.”

Man #2: “How frustrating.”

Man #1: “I mean, there wasn’t even any Internet or cell reception.”

Man #2: “Sounds awful.”

(I was left wondering whether I lived in the same world as these guys. Given the chance, who wouldn’t want a perfect excuse to relax at an alpine resort for three days?! And if that was the lifestyle they were used to, why were they eating lunch in the mall food court? We’ll never know…)