(My sister is out shopping with her toddler son. He can’t make up his mind if he wants to walk or sit in his stroller, so he keeps climbing out and back in.)
Mother: *exasperated* “You can stay in or out, but make up your mind, or I am going to strap your bottom in there!”
Son: *suddenly screaming and crying* “Nooo, Mama! Don’t strap my bottom!”
Mother: *speechless*
(The store I work in is located in a large mall. Occasionally we get calls asking for directions to our store located in the mall, and when I answer this call I assume that’s where the conversation is headed at first. Note that I’m on my own in the store at this point, because my coworker is out the back on her lunch break.)
Me: “Thanks for calling [Store]; you’re speaking with [My Name].”
Customer: “Are you near [Store Next Door]?”
Me: “Yes, we’re right next door.”
Customer: “Oh, good. Could you pop in there and speak to them for me? I’ve been trying to call them about my order but no one’s picking up the phone.”
Me: “I’m sorry; you want me to go next door?”
Customer: “Yeah, just go in real quick and ask them to check on my order for me. My name is—”
Me:” I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t leave my store at the moment. You’ll have to call [Store Next Door] back to check with them yourself.”
Customer: “They’re not answering the phone, and I’ve been trying for ages. You’re right next door. Just go and check with them.”
Me: “As I explained before, ma’am, I can’t leave my store right now. I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do to help you.”
Customer: “This is ridiculous. You’re just being lazy. This is terrible customer service!”
(The caller hangs up the phone before I get a chance to reply and I go about my day unaffected, until the phone rings again not ten minutes later…)
Me: “Thanks for calling [Store]. You’re speaking with [My Name].”
Customer: “Yes, hi. I was wondering if you could help me. I’m trying to get in contact with [Store Next Door] and they’re not answering their phone. I guess it must be a little busy over there. Would you mind popping next door and checking on my order for me?”
Me: “Ma’am, did you call about this just a moment ago?”
Customer: *flustered, since I’ve caught her out* “No. Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about. My name is [Customer]. Can you just pop next door and check on my order for me? I’ll hold the line.”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but as I told you the last time we spoke, I cannot leave my store to check on your order. I’m on my own at the moment, and I have to serve customers here.”
Customer: “I’m a customer! Why won’t you help me?”
Me: “Are you interested in purchasing products from this store?”
(The customer promptly hung up on me.)
(I’ve been gaining a little weight lately and have been sensitive about it. My boyfriend and I are splitting a chicken meal at the mall food court.)
Me: *removing a fatty piece of chicken from my mouth* “Ugh. Bad piece.”
Boyfriend: “This is nice. I’ve really missed eating this chicken.”
Me: *removing another fatty piece from my mouth* “Another one!”
Boyfriend: “Aww, I’m sorry you keep getting fat.”
Me: “…”
Boyfriend: “Wow… um… that sounded bad, didn’t it?”
(Of course I knew what he meant, and we both had a pretty good laugh about it.)
(I’m about six in the story, in the food court at our local mall. My parents go to pay and I wander off. A biker finds me.)
Biker: “Now, son, where are your parents?”
Me: “I don’t know!” *sniffle*
Biker: “We’ll find ’em! What do they look—”
(Suddenly, he is cut off by an abrupt shriek.)
Woman #1: “That gangster is taking that kid!”
Biker: “No, this kid just—”
Woman #1: “I don’t care! You were going to kidnap him! HELP!”
(Security wanders over and my parents see the ruckus from the food court.)
Security: “What’s going on here?”
Biker: “I’m trying to help—”
Woman #1: “This guy is taking this kid!”
My Mom: “[My Name], are you okay?”
Woman #1: “Obviously not! This gangster was going to take this kid!” *points at biker* “Arrest him!”
Woman #2: “Actually, I watched the whole thing. This man was just trying to help the kid find his parents, when you started shrieking.”
(Woman #2 was thanked and the shrieking one went home embarrassed! That biker is a friend of my family now, and is in fact very sweet!)
(My stepmom and I are going out Christmas shopping.)
Step-Mom: “Maybe we could get your dad a nice sweater.”
Me: “Oh, I like this sweater, for me. This one’s nice, too, but not for me.”
Step-Mom: “Maybe we could look in the men’s department.”
Me: “Oh, my god! I need this cardigan! It’s so nice and fluffy and warm! For me!”
Step-Mom: “We are supposed to be Christmas shopping… for other people! Not for ourselves.”
Me: “Fine. I need a scarf set. Let’s try another store.”
(We go to a different store and look around when I’m distracted by some cute tops.)
Step-Mom: “Who are you looking at those for?”
Me: “Me!”
(She shakes her head and sighs walking away from me.)
Me: “I am the physical embodiment of the Christmas spirit! Embrace me and spread my joy!” *after a moment* “Oh that sweater is super cute… for me!”
Step-Mom: “And this is why they never let you out of your cage.”
