Unfiltered Story #160914

, , | Unfiltered | August 25, 2019

(i was walking towards a store at the local mall a short distance behind a family walking past the information booth.)

Mother: Here, you take Jarome to the bathroom.

Father: You take the motherf**ker!

(a man by the information booth stared them up and down)

Father:(to the man) what are you lookin at?

(The man pulls out a police badge)

Man:You.

Bumper To Bumper Bumpers

, , , , , , | Hopeless | August 24, 2019

One day, I decided to buy and put a bumper sticker on my car. The bumper sticker read, “Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reasons.” 

Sometime later, I was with my parents at a store and I saw a bumper sticker that I got my mom to buy me. This one read, “Don’t steal. The government hates competition”. 

Fast forward a few months later. I’m at the mall just browsing around and after an hour or two, I head out to my car. As I get close to it, I see a piece of paper that was placed under the driver side windshield wiper. At first, I think I’ve gotten a ticket but when I look at the paper, I read, “Congratulations! I love your bumper stickers.” 

To whoever put that note under my windshield wiper, glad I could make your day.

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It’s Been A Relatively Short Wait

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2019

(I am stocking shelves near a register. There is a good-sized line, as it’s a busy day, but the clerk is working quickly. We have a large digital clock on the wall nearby. One of our regulars, a grumpy woman, suddenly bursts out with this gem.)

Regular: *yelling* “Your clock is wrong!”

Me: “Ma’am, that clock has never once been wrong in all the time I’ve worked here. What makes you think it’s wrong?”

(I quickly check the clock against my wristwatch; they display identical times.)

Regular: “When I first joined this line, it said 3:14 pm.”

Me: “Okay.”

Regular: “And now it says 3:18 pm.”

(I quickly check my watch again. It shows 3:18 pm.)

Me: “It is 3:18 pm, ma’am.”

Regular: “Your clock is running slow! I can’t have only been in this line for four minutes! It’s been at least fifteen!”

Customer Behind Her: “No, you’re just an angry, impatient old c***. It’s been exactly four minutes since I joined the line, which was about one second after you did.”

Regular: “It’s a conspiracy! You’re all against me!” 

(She gets out of the line, glaring daggers at the customer behind her, slams her full cart into a nearby wall, and stomps out of the store. As she reaches the exit, she turns back.)

Regular: “I’m never shopping here again!”

(She was back the next morning.)

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On A Date So Bad It’s Criminal

, , , , , | Legal | August 2, 2019

(Back in the late 90s, I work as a bike security guard at a shopping center. Mostly we are there to watch for people trying to break into cars, prevent people from drinking alcohol in the parking lot before their movie, deal with traffic problems, and just always be moving and visible to deter other types of bad activity. One night, my supervisor and I are doing our hourly check of the back of the buildings when we see a young lady and a young man, probably teens, walking in the shadows. We pull up to them.)

Supervisor: “Hey, guys, you can’t be back here. It’s not safe at night. Is everything okay?”

Girl: “We’re fine. My boyfriend’s car broke down up by the entrance so he walked down here to get me from work. I’m a waitress at [Restaurant]. We’re just walking back to his car; my dad’s on the way.”

(They don’t stop walking and won’t look us in the eye. I also notice she still has her apron on and is holding it with her hands. After a quick glance, I speed up and pull ahead of them far enough to radio another guard to check with the restaurant. My supervisor keeps trying to talk to them.)

Supervisor: “Why are you walking behind the buildings? It’s safer out front, better lit, and less chance a car comes around a dumpster and hits you on a sidewalk.”

Girl: “Oh, there are too many people out front. It’s nice and quiet back here.”

Boy: “I thought it was kind of romantic.” *as they walk by an overflowing dumpster*

Guard #3: *on the radio, quietly* “Keep an eye on them; the police are on the way. She walked out with her entire bank and several credit cards.”

(I started riding left to right and slowing down a bit, signalling an issue to my supervisor. He tried to engage them even more in conversation, asking their names, asking if he could phone someone for them or if they needed a tow truck, etc. The girl just kept walking and avoiding eye contact. Headlights showed around the corner of the building along with red and blue flashing lights, and the girl made a break for it, running toward a cut-through between buildings. I got there first and blocked her path with my bike and myself. She tried to flail at me and grabbed at the bike, but I blocked her. The boy tried to run into the woods behind the center but my supervisor caught him. After a minute of fighting, I got her wrists zip-tied to a drainpipe and my supervisor had her boyfriend down on the ground. The police pulled up and took them into custody, and we all headed back to the restaurant. She had taken over $300 in cash from the register and had 17 customers’ credit cards!)

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Entitled To Moan, Not A Loan

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2019

(I work at a cell phone kiosk in a local mall. Cell phones are just starting to be something the public is educated about, and are still “hot,” “new” things that are seen as status symbols. This story concerns a customer who is a semi-regular, and usually buys a lot of products at once, though he is also a belligerent blowhard who believes he is entitled to special treatment because he always spends a lot of money.)

Customer: “This stupid phone keeps overheating. I can’t even hold it in my hand for two minutes because the d*** thing gets too hot!”

Me: “Wow. That sounds like a pretty serious problem. Let me see about getting it serviced.”

(After some checking, it turns out he’s had this phone for almost two years and did not opt for any extended warranties.)

Me: “Sorry, sir. I’d love to help you get this repaired, but it turns out this phone is out of warranty. I can still send it in, but it won’t be a free repair.”

Customer: “Naw, naw, naw. Don’t start talking to me like that. Do you know how much money I’ve spent on your products? I own five phones, three pagers—“ *starts to list the components he’s bought for each*

Me: “Sir, I understand you’re a good customer, but warranties are warranties. I can’t make an exception. It’s not even within my power to do so.”

(I should not have said this.)

Customer: “Then get your manager on the phone.”

Me: “He’ll tell you the same thing I’m telling you.”

Customer: “We’ll see about that. Get [Boss] on the phone right now!”

(As I said, he’s a regular customer and big spender; he knows my manager’s name.)

Me: “Okay.”

(I dial our manager, who speaks with the customer for a short bit and decides that a guy who spends that kind of money is too valuable to lose, and offers to foot him the repair costs. This is fine with me, because now I know that I won’t get in trouble for processing a warranty repair for an out-of-warranty product. I fill out all the paperwork and set him up with a “loaner” phone that he can use in lieu of the one we’re sending in for repair. The VERY NEXT DAY, who should show up?)

Customer: “This f****** loaner phone is a cheap piece of s***!”

(The customer hands me the loaner I gave him, one that many customers before him have used, and it looks like it’s been thrown ten feet into a solid brick wall. The screen is cracked in half, and the casing is cracked in numerous places and partially coming off, so that the battery won’t even fit back on.)

Me: “Wow, what happened?”

Customer: “Well, the dang phone is so slippery that I was just talkin’ on it and it slipped right out of my hand! You guys didn’t give me a case with it or a clip or anything, and it’s as slippery as soap!”

(Again, this is the same phone I’ve given many customers before him; not to mention, how would a clip have helped in this case? It didn’t fall off his belt.)

Me: “Okay, well, this is pretty severe physical damage. As it’s our property, I’m afraid you’re going to have to pay for this phone to be replaced. We don’t have that many loaners.”

Customer: “Naw, naw, don’t start that again. I mean, the phone is slippery, and you didn’t give me a case. It could’ve happened to anybody!”

Me: “Yes, and anybody would have had to pay the cost of replacement. It’s part of the loaner agreement you signed.”

Customer: “Get your boss on the phone!”

(This customer has gotten to the point where he feels like all he has to do is demand to speak to my boss and he’ll get whatever he wants. I call the boss. Again. This time, I inform my boss of what’s going on, and he asks to speak to the customer. I’m able to hear him word for word; he’s that loud.)

Boss: “Are you serious?! We made a deal for you that we wouldn’t make for anyone else, and we’re taking a serious hit for it, and now you destroy one of our phones and act like it’s our fault? There is no way you’re not paying to replace that loaner, and if you refuse, you will be sued! You’re lucky I don’t rescind the offer to pay your out-of-warranty fees!

(Eventually, the guy agreed to pay, and later, he did come and collect the repaired phone, but we never saw him again. The boss didn’t mind at that point; if we’d kept his business he would have ended up costing us more than he was spending. The boss later saw the totaled loaner and said there was no way that happened just by being dropped. God knows what he did to demolish it like that.)

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