The Only Punishment Is Predictability

, , , , , | Related | October 12, 2017

(My mom has gotten in the habit of thumping my brother and I on the backs of our heads if we ever get sassy. It isn’t hard enough to hurt or to do damage, but definitely enough to get our attention. We’re walking out of Spider-Man when my brother starts mouthing off.)

Mom: “[Brother], cut it out!”

Brother: *mockingly* “Cut it out!”

(My mom goes to thump him, but my brother ducks and avoids it.)

Mom: “Your back was to me! How did you do that?”

Brother: “My spidey senses were tingling.”

Has Certain Memories PINNED

, , , , , | Related | October 9, 2017

(My mom takes me out for a morning of errands with her, and is trying to figure out what order to do things in.)

Mom: “We need groceries, and you wanted a new notebook, and your dad asked if I could check on the price of sand for him… but I’ll have to go to the ATM first, and there’s always a line this time of day.”

Me: “I could go to the ATM for you, and meet you at the grocery store.”

Mom: “That’s sweet, honey, but to use the ATM you’d have to know my–”

Me: *recites my mother’s four-digit PIN code*

Mom: “How did you know that?!”

Me: “By watching you enter it every couple weeks since I was five?”

Mom: *hands me ATM card* “Get $300.”

Putting The Straightening Saleswoman Straight

, , , , | Working | October 7, 2017

(My sister and I are window-shopping through our local mall, and we happen to walk past several kiosk salespeople with aggressive tactics. We follow proper shopper protocol: don’t make eye contact, don’t even look at the kiosk for more than two seconds if you don’t want to buy anything, and speed-walk away if noticed. However, this one lady at a hair-care booth sees my well-groomed and naturally curly hair and decides to ignore any body language that says I’m not interested.)

Hair Lady #1: “Hey, you girlies ever straightened your hair?” *judgmentally, and directed right at me* “I know you haven’t!”

(I have to restrain my sister from decking her on the spot! Fortunately, the other, obviously better-trained saleslady pulls her aside.)

Hair Lady #2: “Never, ever, try to shame someone into buying your product! What is wrong with you!?”

(We go to that mall on a regular basis, and [Hair Lady #1] has not been back since that incident. Good riddance.)

Either You’re On Fire Or You’re Fired

, , , , , , | Right | October 2, 2017

(As a 16-year-old with her first job, I am still learning what is expected and accepted in the food service industry. I sell cookies in a mall, and we have two locations: the larger main store and the smaller kiosk, down at the other end.  During my third week on the job, I am walking down to the kiosk with my shift leader when we notice smoke pouring out of a shoe store three stores down from the kiosk. Later, after the alarm goes off:)

Shift Leader: “[My Name], I’m going to get the cash drawer, and then we’re going to leave. They’re evacuating this entire wing of the mall.”

Me: “All right, but there’s a customer here. What should I do about that?”

Shift Leader: “Just get rid of them. We have to go.”

Me: “Hi, sorry to inconvenience you, but we can’t sell cookies at this time. The mall’s on fire.”

Customer: “That’s okay, sweetie; I’m just here for some samples.”

(The customer then proceeded to take about five samples, about half a cookie’s worth, and left. And the best part of the entire experience? Two wings of the mall closed and they didn’t shut the mall down. My other coworker kept screaming, “I don’t wanna work in a burning building!”)

You Need Something? Shoot!

, , , , , , | Working | October 2, 2017

(I manage a chocolate shop. I have the weirdest, but most upbeat employees ever. One night, three police men walk in with full gear on.)

Head Police Officer: “We need to ask you a question.”

(One of my employees and I do the wide eyed “Oh, crap; which law did I break!” look.)

Me: “Sure. What’s up?”

Head Police Officer: “We are running a shooting drill in a week, and we need volunteers for it. You would just pretend to be running around or shot.”

Me: “THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!” *I stop and clear my throat.* “I’ll ask my employees and get back to you. Free samples?”

(All of my employees stayed late or showed up on their day off to do it. We didn’t get paid extra, but it was wicked fun to trade roles, calling 911, acting dead, or running and screaming through the mall.)

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