No More MTV For You!

, , , , | Related | August 26, 2019

(I grew up with a huge extended family. None of my grandparents had fewer than seven siblings, so one is always running into great uncles, distant cousins, etc., seemingly everywhere. When I am two, I am in a mall with my mom and dad and we run into one of these distant cousins who recently moved from Ireland to the US. I have a very Irish name, have the overly curly brand of Irish hair, the works, and my dad is proud to be able to introduce me to his cousin.)

Dad: “[Cousin]! What a surprise! This is my wife, [Mom].”

Mom: “So nice to meet you!”

Cousin: *smiling down to me* “And who is this?”

Dad: *proudly* “This is our daughter, [My Name]. What do you say, sweetheart?”

(I look up at him with a big smile and brightly say:)

Me: “You’re a jacka**!”

(My mom told me later that she was so mortified that if there had been a hole nearby she would have tossed me in and walked away. They had no idea why I said that, where I had heard it since they never swore around me, and why I thought that was the best greeting for a newly introduced relative. The cousin laughed and took it in stride, but my mom never let me live that down.)

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Unfiltered Story #160914

, , | Unfiltered | August 25, 2019

(i was walking towards a store at the local mall a short distance behind a family walking past the information booth.)

Mother: Here, you take Jarome to the bathroom.

Father: You take the motherf**ker!

(a man by the information booth stared them up and down)

Father:(to the man) what are you lookin at?

(The man pulls out a police badge)

Man:You.

Bumper To Bumper Bumpers

, , , , , | Hopeless | August 24, 2019

One day, I decided to buy and put a bumper sticker on my car. The bumper sticker read, “Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reasons.” 

Sometime later, I was with my parents at a store and I saw a bumper sticker that I got my mom to buy me. This one read, “Don’t steal. The government hates competition”. 

Fast forward a few months later. I’m at the mall just browsing around and after an hour or two, I head out to my car. As I get close to it, I see a piece of paper that was placed under the driver side windshield wiper. At first, I think I’ve gotten a ticket but when I look at the paper, I read, “Congratulations! I love your bumper stickers.” 

To whoever put that note under my windshield wiper, glad I could make your day.

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It’s Been A Relatively Short Wait

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2019

(I am stocking shelves near a register. There is a good-sized line, as it’s a busy day, but the clerk is working quickly. We have a large digital clock on the wall nearby. One of our regulars, a grumpy woman, suddenly bursts out with this gem.)

Regular: *yelling* “Your clock is wrong!”

Me: “Ma’am, that clock has never once been wrong in all the time I’ve worked here. What makes you think it’s wrong?”

(I quickly check the clock against my wristwatch; they display identical times.)

Regular: “When I first joined this line, it said 3:14 pm.”

Me: “Okay.”

Regular: “And now it says 3:18 pm.”

(I quickly check my watch again. It shows 3:18 pm.)

Me: “It is 3:18 pm, ma’am.”

Regular: “Your clock is running slow! I can’t have only been in this line for four minutes! It’s been at least fifteen!”

Customer Behind Her: “No, you’re just an angry, impatient old c***. It’s been exactly four minutes since I joined the line, which was about one second after you did.”

Regular: “It’s a conspiracy! You’re all against me!” 

(She gets out of the line, glaring daggers at the customer behind her, slams her full cart into a nearby wall, and stomps out of the store. As she reaches the exit, she turns back.)

Regular: “I’m never shopping here again!”

(She was back the next morning.)

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On A Date So Bad It’s Criminal

, , , , , | Legal | August 2, 2019

(Back in the late 90s, I work as a bike security guard at a shopping center. Mostly we are there to watch for people trying to break into cars, prevent people from drinking alcohol in the parking lot before their movie, deal with traffic problems, and just always be moving and visible to deter other types of bad activity. One night, my supervisor and I are doing our hourly check of the back of the buildings when we see a young lady and a young man, probably teens, walking in the shadows. We pull up to them.)

Supervisor: “Hey, guys, you can’t be back here. It’s not safe at night. Is everything okay?”

Girl: “We’re fine. My boyfriend’s car broke down up by the entrance so he walked down here to get me from work. I’m a waitress at [Restaurant]. We’re just walking back to his car; my dad’s on the way.”

(They don’t stop walking and won’t look us in the eye. I also notice she still has her apron on and is holding it with her hands. After a quick glance, I speed up and pull ahead of them far enough to radio another guard to check with the restaurant. My supervisor keeps trying to talk to them.)

Supervisor: “Why are you walking behind the buildings? It’s safer out front, better lit, and less chance a car comes around a dumpster and hits you on a sidewalk.”

Girl: “Oh, there are too many people out front. It’s nice and quiet back here.”

Boy: “I thought it was kind of romantic.” *as they walk by an overflowing dumpster*

Guard #3: *on the radio, quietly* “Keep an eye on them; the police are on the way. She walked out with her entire bank and several credit cards.”

(I started riding left to right and slowing down a bit, signalling an issue to my supervisor. He tried to engage them even more in conversation, asking their names, asking if he could phone someone for them or if they needed a tow truck, etc. The girl just kept walking and avoiding eye contact. Headlights showed around the corner of the building along with red and blue flashing lights, and the girl made a break for it, running toward a cut-through between buildings. I got there first and blocked her path with my bike and myself. She tried to flail at me and grabbed at the bike, but I blocked her. The boy tried to run into the woods behind the center but my supervisor caught him. After a minute of fighting, I got her wrists zip-tied to a drainpipe and my supervisor had her boyfriend down on the ground. The police pulled up and took them into custody, and we all headed back to the restaurant. She had taken over $300 in cash from the register and had 17 customers’ credit cards!)

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