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Morgan Freeman Was Busy Narrating Dad Cleaning Out The Attic

, , , | Related | June 12, 2018

Me: *collecting trash around the house*

Mom: “Go collect the trash in the toilet, the living room, and the kitchen.”

Me: *in my head* “That’s what I’m doing.”

Me: *vacuuming and mopping the house*

Mom: “Vacuum and mop the house.”

Me: *doing the dishes*

Mom: “Do the dishes.”

Me: “Why can’t I have Morgan Freeman narrating the mundane things I’m doing instead of my mom?”

No Reply Will Satisfy Them

, , , | Right | May 4, 2018

Me: “Thank you for calling [Travel Agency]. How may I assist you?”

Caller: “I want to file a complaint.”

Me: “All right, and may I know what is it about?”

Caller: “About the previous girl that talked to me.”

(I check the records. The last time she called in was two months ago, and she’s supposed to check into a hotel in three days time. When she called in before, she wanted to amend the check-in date.)

Me: “Ma’am, from my record, it shows that you requested to amend the date from [date in November]. However, we didn’t proceed with the amendment, as we did not receive any confirmation from your end.”

Caller: “What?! That’s ridiculous! I’m sure I replied immediately! Check your stupid system again!”

Me: *check again and still finds nothing* “I’m sorry, ma’am. I really don’t see any confirmation emails from you. And since it’s been two months, I will have to double check with [Hotel] about the rate and if they still have rooms on the date that you want to amend, and there might be some price difference.”

Caller: *starts screaming* “OH, MY GOD! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! So, you are going to waste another five to ten minutes of my life just because you didn’t do your job well?! And even worse, I have to pay more for your mistakes?!”

Me: “All right, ma’am, please give me a minute and I’ll go through all our emails and try to locate the email that you sent us, okay? May I know which email you replied to?”

Caller: “You better! I think I replied to noreply@[website].”

Me: *stunned for two seconds* “Ma’am, when it says ‘noreply,’ that means it’s an automated email and you should not reply to it. Even if you did, we will not receive anything.”


Massaging An Unfortunate Situation

, , , | Hopeless | April 18, 2018

(We are on holiday in Sabah. On the way home, we are supposed to fly from Kota Kinabalu to Kuala Lumpur at noon. When we get to the airport, we are told the flight has been cancelled and we have been put on the next flight at six pm.)

Airline Employee: “I am so sorry. We contacted everyone who was supposed to be on that flight. We called your hotel; did they not tell you?”

Me: “No, we didn’t receive any messages.”

Airline Employee: “My apologies. If you could please wait over there.”

(We go and stand next to a couple who apparently are in the same situation. A few minutes later, a young man approaches us.)

Young Man: “If you would please follow me, I’ll take you to lunch.”

(He drives us to one of the best hotels in Kota Kinabalu and tells us the airline has paid for our lunch and he will pick us up in about an hour. After an amazing lunch buffet, he comes back:)

Young Man: “There are two options for you to spend the afternoon. I can take you to the chocolate factory or I can take you to have a massage.”

(We all choose the latter, and he takes us to a massage parlour where we have a fantastic one-and-a-half-hour, full-body Thai massage. When he picks us up again to take us to the airport, he hands each of us a box with a piece of chocolate cake.)

Young Man: “Since you didn’t get to go to the chocolate factory, I brought you something from there.”

(The cake was delicious, and he got us back to airport an hour before our flight left.

We spent most of the flight composing the most glowing review for the airline and its employees. Compared to how American and European airlines treat their customer, this was a surreal experience.)

Love Through This Family Flows Heavily

, , , , , , | Related | October 16, 2017

(I am in a group chat with my aunt who resides in Australia with her family, my mum, and my grandmother, who used to be a nurse back in the day. We are all close and have a great sense of humour. All this happens over text. My aunt has just told us her two sons are sick with Influenza B, and recounted an amusing story, during which her younger son was acting up due to his sickness, and his older brother whispered, “So much drama.” )

Grandma: “I would love to have been there to witness all that!”

Mum: “I’m bleeding to death. My period is so heavy. Do you want to witness that, too, Mum?!”

Grandma: “You think I’m crazy?!”

Mum: “Why are you playing favourites? Why is drama cute when [Aunt’s Youngest Son] does it, but not me?”

Grandma: “Because one is a kid, and one is a matured lady, I hope!”

Mum: “I’m still bleeding to death, just in case you decide to care!”

(As this is going on, I’m quickly searching up some information online and find what I need.)

Me: “You’re losing five pints of blood?”

Mum: *eye roll emoticon* “Maybe four.”

Me: “You mean 1892 ml of blood? When the average heavy flow is 65 ml?”

Mum: “Yup.”

Me: “Twenty times more than the normal ‘unusually heavy’ flow?”

Grandma: “Just drink lots of fluid to maintain the body volume.”

Mum: *sighs* “Don’t see you telling [Aunt’s Youngest Son] to drink lots of fluids!”

Me: *copying a comment from earlier in the chat* “‘Hope the boys get well soon. Make sure they drink enough.’ Actually, she did.”

Grandma: “Ignore your sister, [Aunt]. She’s just being silly.”

Mum: “Dying is not being silly!”

Grandma: “Yes, it is, when it’s merely lip service.”

Less Pick Up, More Put Down

, , | Related | July 19, 2017

(I am at dinner with my mum, grandma, and a bunch of my grandma’s good friends and their respective children (and grandchildren). I am the oldest grandchild at 21; there are also a 15-year-old boy, his younger sister, and a 6-year-old girl. My grandma and her friends are around their mid-70s or so. The boy has been talking about ‘pick-up’ lines with his mum and sister, and they ask him to ‘try it out’ on the elderly women for some laughs. Everyone at the table are close and have great senses of humour. Note that while I use the term ‘aunty’ they are not actually related to me; it’s a polite term in this country for anyone older than you by a significant amount of years.)

Boy: *to [Aunty #1]* “Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.”

Aunty #1: *frowns* “Why do you need a map? Don’t you have GPS on your phone?”

(We all laugh, and he tries to explain it to her. She nods but is obviously confused. He turns to the second aunty.)

Boy: “Are you a keyboard? Because you’re my type.”

Aunty #2: *seriously and with a confused expression* “I’m not a typist.”

(Again, we laugh, and he tries to explain it to her.)

Aunty #2: “But I don’t have a typewriter.”

(He sighs and turns to the third aunty, which happens to be my grandmother.)

Boy: “Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you I smile.”

(She nods as though she understands but it’s obvious she has no clue what he’s just said. He tries to explain it.)

Boy: “You know when you look at a camera you have to smile?”

Aunty #2: *interrupting* “Why?”

(He gives up and tries one last time, this time saying it to all three of them.)

Boy: “You’re so sweet, you give my dentures cavities.”

(At the word dentures, despite none of them actually using any, their faces light up in comprehension.)

Aunty #1: “Awww, that’s so sweet.”

Aunty #2: “That’s nice.” *she pauses* “I don’t think dentures can get cavities.”

Aunty #1: “If you have cavities you should probably stop eating sweets.”

(It’s clear that the meaning of this one has also gone over their heads. There is laughter all around and then a pause, during which Aunty #1 pipes up with this gem.)

Aunty #1: “So… these pick-up lines. Do you just use them on your phone, or do you actually talk to people?”

(He gave up and called it a night while the rest of us laughed so hard we cried.)