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A-Salted With Your Fishy Tale

, , | Right | April 18, 2016

Me: “Hello, this is [Pool Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: *on the phone* “Hi, I just bought a house with a pool and had some questions.”

Me: “Certainly. First I need to know if it’s a salt or freshwater pool.”

Customer: “I don’t know; how could I find that out?”

Me: “I need to you check to see if you have a salt generator or not.”

Customer: “All right, I think it’s a salt pool. How would I start it up?”

Me: “Do you know the gallonage of your pool?”

Customer: “Yes, it’s [average size pool].”

Me: “All right. Well, looking at my chart, you’re going to need 625lbs of salt to reach the required concentration if the concentration is currently 0ppm.”

Customer: “That’s a lot of salt.”

Me: “Yes, it is, sir.”

Customer: “How would I add the salt?”

Me: “Just toss it into the pool; there’s no special way of adding it.”

Customer: “That’s not how you do it.”

Me: “Yes, it is, sir. There may be other systems out there but if it’s our pool then you don’t have a special salt system attached.”

Customer: “Are you sure that’s how you add it?”

Me: “Yes. You want to raise your salt level to between 3000ppm and 3500ppm and to go to that from scratch, for your size pool, you need to add 625lbs of salt.”

Customer: “All right. Is it going to taste like salt?”

Me: “That’s a common misconception with salt pools. If the salt is within that range you won’t taste salt; if it’s 6000pm or higher you may.”

Customer: “So you’re telling me I need to add 1250lbs of salt?”

Me: “Not unless you want to taste salt.”

Customer: “What if I want to?”

Me: “Why would you want to taste salt?”

Customer: “Because I want it to be like the ocean.”

Me: “Ok…”

Customer: “How much salt would I have to add to my pool to be able to put fish in and swim.”

Me: “Are you telling me you want to make an open air salt water aquarium out of your pool?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Then I suggest you talk to a pet store. We can sell the salt but I have no experience in maintaining marine life.”

Tipped To Be Persistent

, | Right | May 3, 2015

(I work as a janitor.)

Me: *sweeping floors before finding a lady looking lost* “Do you need help finding something?”

Lady: “Oh, sure-gel for…” *looks at me holding a broom* “Oh, don’t mind me, sweetie. I’ll find it.”

Me: “For canning? You sure? I can take you to it.”

Lady: “But you’re sweeping. I don’t want to interrupt.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s on the other side of the store. Let me show you.”

Lady: “All right…”

(Cue criss-crossing the store as I help her find several hard to locate items.)

Lady: “I think that’s it. You’ve been so helpful. Here…” *tries to hand me a $5 bill*

Me: *holds my hands up palm forward* “No can do, ma’am. Can’t accept tips.”

Lady: “Nonsense, you’ve helped me more than anyone who’s actually supposed to!”

(She tries to dive to my pockets to slide money in.)

Me: *slams hands on top of the pockets before she gets there, backpedalling* “Nope! You have a nice day!”

(Thirty minutes later I’m collecting trash from the bins. The lady is trying to sneak up on me, hand reaching for my pocket with money in it. I barely spot her in time, turning and stuffing my hands in my pocket.)

Me: “Still no can do. I appreciate the offer, though.”

Lady: “Oh, shut up.” *smiling, she grabs my collar, pulls my shirt open and stuffs the bill down the front of my shirt*

Lady: “Tell your bosses where they can shove that tip if they don’t like it!”

Me: *stunned silence*

(Upon telling my boss, he laughs and shrugs.)

Boss: “You can either donate it to CMN, or forget you told me about it. Wasn’t anything you could do about it.”

Battle Of The Sexists

| Right | May 8, 2013

(I am a male part time cleaner at my local leisure centre. One of my duties is to clean the toilets in reception. It is currently busy in reception, so I ensure that the female toilet is empty before putting up a sign warning customers that cleaning is in progress. As I leave the toilet with my arms full with mops, bleach, and disinfectant etc, a female customer is standing outside the door waiting.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t realise you were waiting.”

Customer: “What were you doing in there?”

(I gesture to my arms that are full with cleaning products.)

Me: “Just cleaning the area for you.”

Customer: “But those are the female toilets!”

Me: “I am aware of that, but it is part of my job to ensure all toilets are clean.”

Customer: “But you aren’t a woman; you shouldn’t be in there!”

Me: “There are no female cleaners on duty. I am the only cleaner here today, and the toilets need to be cleaned.”

Customer: “Well that is unacceptable! Where is your manager? I am making a complaint!”

(My manager is already in the reception area, so makes her way over.)

Manager: “What is the problem?”

Customer: “This man was in the female toilets.”

Manager: “Well, the area does need to be cleaned regularly, and he is our cleaner.”

Customer: “I don’t give a d*** what his job is! He should not be in the women’s toilets.”

Manager: “So, your complaint is that we have a male employee in the women’s toilets?”

Customer: “D*** right it is!”

Manager: “Would you rather the toilets were not cleaned?”

Customer: “No, that would be stupid! Just get a woman cleaner!”

Manager: “Then who would clean the male toilets?”

Customer: “She can! But this pervert should be fired for going into the women’s toilets.”

Manager: “But, wouldn’t that make her just as bad as him?”

Customer: “Oh, you are just being awkward now! P*** off and leave me alone!”

Dripocalypse Now

, , , , | Right | October 5, 2009

(I work at a commercial property development/management company. I get this call from a new tenant’s office.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Company].”

Tenant: “This is going to sound crazy, but I think Armageddon might have just started in the break room.”

Me: “Okay, why do you say that?”

Tenant: “I turned on the tap, and blood came out of the faucet. So, it’s either the end of the world, or turkey blood.”

Me: “Turkey blood?”

Tenant: “We just washed out a turkey in the sink; maybe the blood got sucked back into the pipes. I don’t think we should drink the water.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s pretty alarming. I’ve never heard of that happening, but I will get you a plumber out there ASAP.”

Tenant: “Great, thanks. Everyone thinks I’m crazy, but I swear, blood came out!”

Me: “I will take care of this, don’t worry.”

(I hang up and call a plumber. While I’m waiting for the plumber to call back with a time, the tenant phones every ten minutes and is getting increasingly hysterical. I finally get a time for the plumber and call the tenant.)

Me: “A plumber should be out there within the hour.”

Tenant: “Oh. Well. Um.”

Me: “Yes?”

Tenant: “False alarm… It wasn’t Armageddon; it was Crystal Light. The powder was stuck on the tap! Everybody here’s laughing! This is only my second day of this job. I’m never going to live this down!”