Wouldn’t Put It Past Them To Scam A Child

, , , | Legal | December 29, 2018

(I have a personal cell phone, which I am using to play a game while my four-year-old has a snack and uses her tablet. While playing my game, I see a call coming in and I answer it. Nearly right off I realize it’s a scam used before, but using a different system.)

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, this is [unintelligible name and heavy accent]. I’m calling to let you know your netbook has a security issue.”

Me: *thinking of the old Windows version of this scam* “Oh, no, that’s terrible!”

Scammer: “Yes, ma’am, you should check your netbook and make sure its security is running.”

Me: “Will do.” *gets out my WINDOWS laptop and boots it up, letting them hear the Window’s obvious boot-up noise* “What should I do?”

Scammer: “You need to open your security and see if it’s working.”

Me: *pretends to do that, while instead just clicking on the desktop* “Oh, no, it’s not! What do I do?”

Scammer: “Do you see the CTRL button and a button that has four squares on it? Press those two and R together, then let go.”

Me: *hits G, H, and T, doing nothing to my laptop* “A pop-up came up…”

Scammer: “Could you tell me what it says, ma’am?”

Me: “Yeah, it says, ‘Congrats! You are being scammed!’ You people aren’t bright, are you? That was WINDOWS you heard boot up. Not netbook.”

Scammer: *starts swearing*

Me: *puts the phone to daughter’s ear*

Daughter: “No, no, no, no, no! Bad! No!” *wagging finger at phone* “Bad! No! No, no, no!”

Me: *laughing* “Good girl.” *brings the phone back to my ear* “Might want to remove my number; I’ve got plenty of tricks up my sleeve.” *hangs up* “Hey, [Daughter]. Want some ice cream off for telling that bad man, ‘No, no, no’?”

Daughter: “Yeah!”

(Oh, well. Another scammer to mess with, I guess. I hate scammers.)

Uses The Key Very Sparingly

, , , | Right | December 11, 2018

(The phone rings; I answer.)

Me: “Good morning. [Auto Shop]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. So, my wife just locked the keys in the car.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “So, the problem is that she left the car running.”

Me: “Okay. How can I help you?”

Customer: “We have a spare key. Will that open the door?”

Halloween Horror, As Teenage Treat Turns Into Trick

, , , , , | Friendly | November 6, 2018

(This happens while I am outside handing out candy to kids coming around for trick or treating. A thirteen year old kid I know walks up to me with a couple of friends. I give three pieces of candy each to her and her friends.)

Me: “Have a happy Halloween; be safe.”

Kid: *starts walking away happily* “We will; don’t worry.”

(She gets to the end of my driveway and turns around a corner to where I can’t see her. I think nothing of it, but pretty soon I see someone who looks nearly identical to the kid from before, but wearing fewer parts of the costume she had on.)

Me: “[Kid], I know it’s you; you aren’t getting more candy.”

(She looked at me for a moment and, realizing that she’d been caught, lunged at my cauldron of candy, grabbing a handful of it before running off to her friends, who all ran off, as well, giggling, thinking they’d won. But I was still the one who had her parents right there next to me, who saw the entire thing go down.)

One Person’s Outrageous Is Another Person’s Tuesday

, , , , , | Right | November 6, 2018

(I work in a popular chain coffee shop. We are located in a commercial area very popular with tourists and near several hotels, so we tend to be very busy, especially on weekend mornings. On this particular morning, we’ve received a higher than normal number of mobile orders and are a bit backed up. Most customers are understanding, but one woman who is standing with a friend near a regular customer of ours is clearly unhappy.)

Customer: “Oh, my God! I have never had to wait this long for a mobile order! I’m shocked!”

(The regular customer shoots her a dirty look but says nothing.)

Customer: “This is outrageous. I don’t believe this.”

(She continues complaining to her friend, the regular customer, and anyone else in earshot. No one answers her. Meanwhile, I finish making the regular’s drink and hand it to her.)

Me: “Here you go. Sorry about the extra wait!”

Regular: “It’s not a problem. Thanks!” *to the complaining customer* “You know that there are people that are dying, right? If waiting five minutes for your coffee is the worst thing that happens to you today, I’d call that a win.”

(The regular customer left and several people who were close enough to hear what she said snickered a little, including the complaining customer’s friend. The complaining customer was silent until she got her drink and left. I love my regulars.)

Drawing Towards Dad Jokes

, , , , | Related | November 2, 2018

(I have always considered myself lucky. My dad wasn’t the type to make puns or dad jokes. That ended today. We are making ourselves breakfast, and the belt loop on my jeans becomes stuck on the drawer’s knob. This happens.)

Me: “Oh, g**d*** it. I got stuck on the drawer.”

Dad: “It’s stuck on you.”

Me: “I don’t return the feelings.”

Dad: “You could say it’s… drawer-n to you.”

Me: “Oh, g**d*** it! IT’S TOO EARLY TO MAKE DAD JOKES! MOOOOM!”

(We almost went through life without a dad joke or pun.)