He’s Got A Bad Case Of The Clap

, , , , | Healthy Right | January 9, 2019

(My husband is the customer in this one. He’s at his appointment to check his numbers for high blood pressure to see if he would be okay on his current prescription or not. While it’s important to note that he doesn’t have a hearing problem, he does tend to not listen, and sometimes it can be rather amusing.)

Doctor: “Now, breathe deeply.”

Husband: *does so*

Doctor: “Cough.”

Husband: “Clap?”

Doctor: “Cough.”

Me: “She said, ‘cough,’ dear.”

Husband: “Clap?” *claps*

(All three of us started laughing. The doctor admitted it made her day. I’ve teased him since about putting this online.)

Just Another (Another) Christmas Miracle

, , , , , | Hopeless | January 2, 2019

(This year has been extremely difficult on my family. First, my grandmother, my mother’s mother, passes away eight days after having a stroke. Then, five weeks later, my sister takes her life. Due to the emotional stress and an emotional breakdown, my mother ends up leaving work and is told to not return until after the new year. As a result, both my dad and I help provide for our household. He only gets so much a week, and I get paid once a month through Social Security Death Benefits. During this time, many people have offered — and gone through with — buying my daughter Christmas presents. I go through a couple programs for it, and after I think we’ve received every single present, including ones from my late husband’s family, my mother drops this one on me.)

Mom: *gets off the phone* “That was our landlord.”

Me: “Yeah? What she’s up to?”

Mom: “Her mother put [My Daughter] in the Christmas Children’s Giving selection.”

Me: “Yeah?”

Mom: “She was picked, and will be getting presents tomorrow.”

Me: “M-more?! From random strangers?!”

Mom: “Yep.”

Me: *ducks head down to not let anyone see me tear up*

(To everyone who has helped this family out, after such a horrible and devastating year, just for Christmas, I can’t thank you enough. Thanks to all these people, my daughter will have a great Christmas; we had been so worried what we would possibly do to afford it for her.)

Related:
Just Another Christmas Miracle

Wouldn’t Put It Past Them To Scam A Child

, , , | Legal | December 29, 2018

(I have a personal cell phone, which I am using to play a game while my four-year-old has a snack and uses her tablet. While playing my game, I see a call coming in and I answer it. Nearly right off I realize it’s a scam used before, but using a different system.)

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, this is [unintelligible name and heavy accent]. I’m calling to let you know your netbook has a security issue.”

Me: *thinking of the old Windows version of this scam* “Oh, no, that’s terrible!”

Scammer: “Yes, ma’am, you should check your netbook and make sure its security is running.”

Me: “Will do.” *gets out my WINDOWS laptop and boots it up, letting them hear the Window’s obvious boot-up noise* “What should I do?”

Scammer: “You need to open your security and see if it’s working.”

Me: *pretends to do that, while instead just clicking on the desktop* “Oh, no, it’s not! What do I do?”

Scammer: “Do you see the CTRL button and a button that has four squares on it? Press those two and R together, then let go.”

Me: *hits G, H, and T, doing nothing to my laptop* “A pop-up came up…”

Scammer: “Could you tell me what it says, ma’am?”

Me: “Yeah, it says, ‘Congrats! You are being scammed!’ You people aren’t bright, are you? That was WINDOWS you heard boot up. Not netbook.”

Scammer: *starts swearing*

Me: *puts the phone to daughter’s ear*

Daughter: “No, no, no, no, no! Bad! No!” *wagging finger at phone* “Bad! No! No, no, no!”

Me: *laughing* “Good girl.” *brings the phone back to my ear* “Might want to remove my number; I’ve got plenty of tricks up my sleeve.” *hangs up* “Hey, [Daughter]. Want some ice cream off for telling that bad man, ‘No, no, no’?”

Daughter: “Yeah!”

(Oh, well. Another scammer to mess with, I guess. I hate scammers.)

Uses The Key Very Sparingly

, , , | Right | December 11, 2018

(The phone rings; I answer.)

Me: “Good morning. [Auto Shop]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. So, my wife just locked the keys in the car.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “So, the problem is that she left the car running.”

Me: “Okay. How can I help you?”

Customer: “We have a spare key. Will that open the door?”

Halloween Horror, As Teenage Treat Turns Into Trick

, , , , , | Friendly | November 6, 2018

(This happens while I am outside handing out candy to kids coming around for trick or treating. A thirteen year old kid I know walks up to me with a couple of friends. I give three pieces of candy each to her and her friends.)

Me: “Have a happy Halloween; be safe.”

Kid: *starts walking away happily* “We will; don’t worry.”

(She gets to the end of my driveway and turns around a corner to where I can’t see her. I think nothing of it, but pretty soon I see someone who looks nearly identical to the kid from before, but wearing fewer parts of the costume she had on.)

Me: “[Kid], I know it’s you; you aren’t getting more candy.”

(She looked at me for a moment and, realizing that she’d been caught, lunged at my cauldron of candy, grabbing a handful of it before running off to her friends, who all ran off, as well, giggling, thinking they’d won. But I was still the one who had her parents right there next to me, who saw the entire thing go down.)

Page 5/17First...34567...Last