Uses The Key Very Sparingly

, , , | Right | December 11, 2018

(The phone rings; I answer.)

Me: “Good morning. [Auto Shop]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. So, my wife just locked the keys in the car.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “So, the problem is that she left the car running.”

Me: “Okay. How can I help you?”

Customer: “We have a spare key. Will that open the door?”

Halloween Horror, As Teenage Treat Turns Into Trick

, , , , , | Friendly | November 6, 2018

(This happens while I am outside handing out candy to kids coming around for trick or treating. A thirteen year old kid I know walks up to me with a couple of friends. I give three pieces of candy each to her and her friends.)

Me: “Have a happy Halloween; be safe.”

Kid: *starts walking away happily* “We will; don’t worry.”

(She gets to the end of my driveway and turns around a corner to where I can’t see her. I think nothing of it, but pretty soon I see someone who looks nearly identical to the kid from before, but wearing fewer parts of the costume she had on.)

Me: “[Kid], I know it’s you; you aren’t getting more candy.”

(She looked at me for a moment and, realizing that she’d been caught, lunged at my cauldron of candy, grabbing a handful of it before running off to her friends, who all ran off, as well, giggling, thinking they’d won. But I was still the one who had her parents right there next to me, who saw the entire thing go down.)

One Person’s Outrageous Is Another Person’s Tuesday

, , , , , | Right | November 6, 2018

(I work in a popular chain coffee shop. We are located in a commercial area very popular with tourists and near several hotels, so we tend to be very busy, especially on weekend mornings. On this particular morning, we’ve received a higher than normal number of mobile orders and are a bit backed up. Most customers are understanding, but one woman who is standing with a friend near a regular customer of ours is clearly unhappy.)

Customer: “Oh, my God! I have never had to wait this long for a mobile order! I’m shocked!”

(The regular customer shoots her a dirty look but says nothing.)

Customer: “This is outrageous. I don’t believe this.”

(She continues complaining to her friend, the regular customer, and anyone else in earshot. No one answers her. Meanwhile, I finish making the regular’s drink and hand it to her.)

Me: “Here you go. Sorry about the extra wait!”

Regular: “It’s not a problem. Thanks!” *to the complaining customer* “You know that there are people that are dying, right? If waiting five minutes for your coffee is the worst thing that happens to you today, I’d call that a win.”

(The regular customer left and several people who were close enough to hear what she said snickered a little, including the complaining customer’s friend. The complaining customer was silent until she got her drink and left. I love my regulars.)

Drawing Towards Dad Jokes

, , , , | Related | November 2, 2018

(I have always considered myself lucky. My dad wasn’t the type to make puns or dad jokes. That ended today. We are making ourselves breakfast, and the belt loop on my jeans becomes stuck on the drawer’s knob. This happens.)

Me: “Oh, g**d*** it. I got stuck on the drawer.”

Dad: “It’s stuck on you.”

Me: “I don’t return the feelings.”

Dad: “You could say it’s… drawer-n to you.”


(We almost went through life without a dad joke or pun.)

Surveyed And Dismayed

, , , | Learning | October 31, 2018

(Near the end of my freshman year in college, longer ago than I care to remember, I received a questionnaire in the mail. It was long — eight pages, each with two columns of questions — and intrusive — asking about drug use, sexual habits, parents’ income, number of toilets in my home, and more — and despite assurances of anonymity there was an embossed unique serial number on the sheet to record answers. After about two minutes of looking at it, I set the whole thing on fire and forgot about. The next fall, I get a call from the Dean of Students’ secretary.)

Secretary: “[My Name], I’m calling about the survey you received from [Company] last spring. It’s important that it be completed, as the college gets a significant amount of money for it.”

Me: “I did get it and took care of it. I must say I was quite concerned about the personal nature of the questions, some of which could potentially leave me open to criminal charges if I had actually done them and answered honestly.”

Secretary: “[My Name], it’s anonymous, and they don’t have your response.”

Me: “If you know they don’t have my answers, then it’s not anonymous, is it? When I said I took care of it, I meant that I destroyed it immediately.”

Secretary: *click*

(I expected another call from the Dean himself, but no. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one to trash the survey.)

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