Don’t Let Her Walk All Over You With Those Crappy Shoes

, , , , | Right | March 22, 2019

(I am covering the shop for my mom while she has a doctor’s appointment. Her boss/friend is more than okay with that, and tells me if a customer is rude that I can give it right back to them. The shop is more of a side project so it isn’t a big deal. I am at the counter, tagging and folding some clothes that just got dropped off, when I hear the front door slam open.)

Woman: “There is a pile of dog-s*** out here and I stepped in it! My shoes are now ruined!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Sadly, it happens quite frequently here.”

Woman: “I demand to be compensated! I can’t wear these now and they cost over $500 dollars! What are you going to do to make this right!?”

Me: “…I can sell you some shoes?”

(Cue angry screaming and door slamming closed. When I went out to lock up for the day, I saw the rather huge pile of dog poop on the ground. The woman had decided to wipe/rub her shoes against the entire front half of the shop. I told my boss. She just laughed.)

Camped Out To Catch Them Out

, , , , , | Right | March 16, 2019

I am in fifth grade. My mom runs a summer equestrian camp for kids. It is very popular and fills up very quickly every year, so she operates on a first-come-first-serve basis where any applications received before April 1st will not be looked at until that date.

This particular summer, one woman is extremely persistent in making sure her two kids get into the camp, submitting their applications several weeks before April 1st and contacting my mom every few days to see if she has looked at them yet, which, of course, she hasn’t. The woman’s persistence gets rather annoying, but nonetheless, both of her kids get into one of the camp’s sessions.

Fast-forward to the first day of camp: neither of the kids shows up. After the day ends, my mom contacts their mother to see what happened and make sure everything is okay. The woman apologizes and says that both of the kids were not feeling well that day, but will definitely be in tomorrow. The next day goes by — still neither one comes in. This time, the woman contacts my mom, apologizes again, and says that she forgot both of them had doctors’ appointments that day — that were apparently the length of an entire day of camp — but they will definitely be in the next day.

That night at dinner, my mom is telling us about all this and happens to mention the name of one of the kids. I recognize his name, as I went to school with him… and I realize that I’ve seen him the past two days at a different summer camp I am currently attending. My mom asks me if I’ve also seen his sister there, and I believe I have.

Long story short: rather than fessing up to double-booking her kids in two different camps, the woman tried to repeatedly lie to my mom about why they weren’t showing up to hers. The next day, when my dad picked me up, he made sure to wave and smile at the woman. She froze in her tracks, recognizing him as my mom’s husband, and meekly waved back.

Old Jokes Never Fail

, , , , , | Related | March 13, 2019

(When my late husband and I are first getting married in 2009, his family is going through the old saying, “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.” This is the little conversation I have with his mother and sister. It’s worth noting that my late husband is 18 years my senior; we marry when I am 19 and he is 37.)

Sister: “Okay, got your… something new?”

Me: *holds up ring*

Mother: “Something borrowed?”

Me: “My sister is letting me use her tiara.”

Sister: “Something blue?”

Me: “My garter will be blue.”

Sister: “What about something old?”

Me: *looks directly at husband*

Husband: “Hey!”

Sister & Mother: *laughing hysterically*

Me: “Well! You are my something old!”

Husband: *laughing*

Me: “So, uh… Do I have to have a penny in my shoe?”

(We joked about that for years until his death. Even now, it’s a running joke for someone in his family to look at an older person when getting married, usually their father or uncle. And yes, I had a penny in my shoe.)

With Pet Ownership You Can’t Drop The Ball

, , , , , | Related | March 9, 2019

(I just came back from bringing our male cat back from the vet. He’s only eight or nine months old, but I took him in to get fixed, only to end up bringing him back, and trying very hard not to laugh, having learned something new about male cats.)

Mom: “So, uh… Why are you trying so hard to not laugh, and why isn’t Roadie at the vet?”

Brother: “Is my cat okay?!”

Me: “Well, uh… Here’s One-Nut Roadie.” *hands him to my brother and laughs*

Mom: “Wha…”

Me: “So, uh… Apparently, like human males… a male cat’s testicles have to, uh… drop… into his, uh… hangy bit there… and, uh–” *laughing too d*** hard*

Mom: *checks* “HE REALLY ONLY HAS ONE THERE!”

Me: “Th-the other may be in his belly still, or it’s about to drop, b-but we don’t have the money right now to have him cut open to get it out.” *still laughing*

Brother: “Really?”

Me: “Now we have No Nuts and One Nut!”

Mom: “I think your sister needs some sleep.”

Brother: “You think?”

(I was sleep deprived, but it still tickles me funny today. I never knew that about a male cat, but I do now!)

Unfiltered Story #142796

, , | Unfiltered | March 9, 2019

I’m ringing up a lady at a checkout line. One of her items is a diet soda.

Lady: “I’ve been trying to cut back on the aspertame.”
Me: “I drink it all the time.”
Lady: “That stuff makes you sick.” (Beat) “I need two packs of cigars, please.”