(When my late husband and I are first getting married in 2009, his family is going through the old saying, “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.” This is the little conversation I have with his mother and sister. It’s worth noting that my late husband is 18 years my senior; we marry when I am 19 and he is 37.)

Sister: “Okay, got your… something new?”

Me: *holds up ring*

Mother: “Something borrowed?”

Me: “My sister is letting me use her tiara.”

Sister: “Something blue?”

Me: “My garter will be blue.”

Sister: “What about something old?”

Me: *looks directly at husband*

Husband: “Hey!”

Sister & Mother: *laughing hysterically*

Me: “Well! You are my something old!”

Husband: *laughing*

Me: “So, uh… Do I have to have a penny in my shoe?”

(We joked about that for years until his death. Even now, it’s a running joke for someone in his family to look at an older person when getting married, usually their father or uncle. And yes, I had a penny in my shoe.)

(I just came back from bringing our male cat back from the vet. He’s only eight or nine months old, but I took him in to get fixed, only to end up bringing him back, and trying very hard not to laugh, having learned something new about male cats.)

Mom: “So, uh… Why are you trying so hard to not laugh, and why isn’t Roadie at the vet?”

Brother: “Is my cat okay?!”

Me: “Well, uh… Here’s One-Nut Roadie.” *hands him to my brother and laughs*

Mom: “Wha…”

Me: “So, uh… Apparently, like human males… a male cat’s testicles have to, uh… drop… into his, uh… hangy bit there… and, uh–” *laughing too d*** hard*

Mom: *checks* “HE REALLY ONLY HAS ONE THERE!”

Me: “Th-the other may be in his belly still, or it’s about to drop, b-but we don’t have the money right now to have him cut open to get it out.” *still laughing*

Brother: “Really?”

Me: “Now we have No Nuts and One Nut!”

Mom: “I think your sister needs some sleep.”

Brother: “You think?”

(I was sleep deprived, but it still tickles me funny today. I never knew that about a male cat, but I do now!)

(I work in a donut shop.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Can I have a Boston cream?”

Me: “Sure! Sprinkles or no sprinkles?”

Customer: “DO I LOOK LIKE A F****** CHILD!?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “WHY WOULD I WANT SPRINKLES?! I’M NOT A F****** CHILD!”

Me: “Um… I’m just doing my job; I have to ask.”

Customer: “WELL, I’M NOT A F****** CHILD! I DON’T WANT SPRINKLES!”

Me: “Okay.” *silently hands them their donut without sprinkles*

(Sadly, this is not the worst conversation I’ve had with a customer this week.)

(I have mild arthritis in my left leg, so I walk slowly. I am bringing out some shoe boxes for a customer, and the rows are quite narrow, so a different customer is stuck walking behind me.)

Customer: *under his breath* “Man, can you walk any slower?”

Me: “Actually, I can! I have arthritis, buddy. It is painful for me to even walk!”

(The customer looks admonished and turns bright red.)

Me: “Don’t judge people by their cover!”

(The customer apologized. He ended up buying around $200 worth of shoes and told the cashier I helped him so I would get a commission.)

(I’m working at the reference desk at the library when the phone rings.)

Woman: “Can you look up [Town thirty miles away] and tell me what it says?”

Me: “Okay… and what information are you looking for ‘it’ to tell you?”

Woman: “Just, like, where it is and what [Town] people are like. What does Google say?”

Me: “You want to know what the people are like? I’m not sure that’s the kind of thing Google can tell me.”

Woman: “Well, there’s a Camaro for sale there, and I just want to know if the people in [Town] are trustworthy, or if it’s a backwater with trashy people.”

Me: “I’m not sure that’s the kind of thing Google can tell me.”

Woman: “So, you’re not going to help me?”

Me: “I can tell you the population of [Town] and where’s it’s located… but that’s about all I can help you with regarding the backwateriness of that town.”

(I ended up telling her the populations of several towns around the state at her request, apparently at random, before she was satisfied enough to hang up on me.)