The Mother Of All Conversation Stoppers

, , , , | Related | June 1, 2012

(A father and his young daughter are gift shopping the day before Mother’s Day. They are bickering back and fourth the entire time, and I assume it was playful; until it gets to the register.)

Me: “And your total is $[total]. Do you need a bag today?”

Dad: “No, we don’t.”

Girl: “Actually, we do.”

(Clearly angry about being contradicted, he straightens to his full height of just over six feet and glares at his daughter, who immediately cows.)

Dad: “Excuse me? How old am I?”

Girl: ‘F… f… forty-one.”

Dad: “And how old are you?”

Girl: “Eh… eh… eight.”

Dad: “And who’s in charge?”

Girl: “Muh… mommy.”

(Dad’s anger lasted less than a half-second after that. He slumped and wordlessly handed me his credit card with a look of defeat and resignation.)

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Remember Remember, Dismember Or Distemper

, , , , , | Right | April 25, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pet Clinic]. How may I help you today?”

Client: “My dog is due for its dismemberment shot.”

Me: “Distemper? We can set up an appointment for that.”

Client: “Yes, dismemberment. I need my dog to get his dismemberment shot.”

Me: “Distemper.”

Client: “How much is the dismemberment shot?”

Me: “The distemper vaccine is [vaccine]. Would you like to set up an appointment for your dog to receive the distemper vaccine?”

Client: “Yes, please. I would like you to dismember my dog.”

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Looking Down The Barrel Of A Smoking Gum

, , , , , | Right | January 3, 2011

(I hear this conversation in my checkout line.)

Customer #1: “Oh, my God, I love that nicotine gum! It makes my mouth feel all numb.”

Customer #2: “You know that stuff’s going to get you addicted to cigarettes, right?”

Customer #1: “Nah! That stuff gets you un-addicted to them and I don’t smoke. I’m fine!”

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Conscience: We Loves It

, , , , , , , | Right | April 23, 2008

(This is around Halloween, and Halloween parties in Madison is THE biggest event of the year. My store has many Halloween costumes and other Halloween-related products during that time. I am at my cash register for check-out when a customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Hi. Uhh… I’d like to buy these.”

(The customer puts down a wig, make-ups, a pantyhose, condoms, and lubes on my register.)

Me: “Okay.” *starts scanning*

Customer: “…”

Me: *still scanning*

Customer: “DON’T JUDGE ME!” *runs out*

Me: “?!”

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