Karma Tastes Like Nachos

, , , , | Right | June 16, 2017

I’m at a famous taco-themed restaurant and have just beaten the dinner rush. A boy and girl come in and get in the end of the line and immediately start moaning and complaining about how long it is taking.

The employees are fairly efficient, so they get to the front of line in just a few minutes. They order, and then stand over to the side and start complaining some more about how long it is taking.

Maybe ten minutes after they walked in, they get their food and turn to get a table. The guy is carrying the tray, and he ends up tripping on his own feet, and splatters the tray, with an open bowl of nachos, all over the girl. Karma!

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He’s Got This Scene Nailed

, , , , , | Working | June 5, 2017

(I am stage managing a rehearsal, and the lead actor has come in with some form of food poisoning. Because we’re close to opening, he has decided to tough it out instead of going home, but he has been spending most of the time he’s not onstage in the bathroom. At this point in time, I’m rounding up the actors to run the final scene, in which this actor’s character dies.)

Me: “Hey, [Actor], are you going to be able to run this scene?”

Actor: “Which scene are we doing now?”

Me: *not thinking, on autopilot* “You’re dying.”

Actor: *looks up at me, completely deadpan* “I’m well aware of that fact. But which scene are we running?”

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Shame They Can’t Steal Some Intelligence

, , , , , | Learning | May 29, 2017

Being a naive freshman, while standing in front of my locker, I remove my purse in order to put my coat on, after which I plan to put it back on over the coat. First Big Mistake. I look away for a moment. Second Big Mistake. My purse is now gone.

Approximately three days later, I enter my English classroom. The teacher is standing there holding a very familiar object. My purse. Apparently, the thief decided to bring it to class, stuck it under her chair, and forgot about it.

After the class, the teacher recognized it as mine. Apparently, no one else he taught had one made of black denim with a GameBoy Advance inside. Oddly, despite having had the time to remove and/or sell the contents, nothing inside had even been touched.

Yes, there were thieves at my high school, but they happened to be idiots.

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The Mother Of All Conversation Stoppers

, , , , | Related | June 1, 2012

(A father and his young daughter are gift shopping the day before Mother’s Day. They are bickering back and fourth the entire time, and I assume it was playful; until it gets to the register.)

Me: “And your total is $[total]. Do you need a bag today?”

Dad: “No, we don’t.”

Girl: “Actually, we do.”

(Clearly angry about being contradicted, he straightens to his full height of just over six feet and glares at his daughter, who immediately cows.)

Dad: “Excuse me? How old am I?”

Girl: ‘F… f… forty-one.”

Dad: “And how old are you?”

Girl: “Eh… eh… eight.”

Dad: “And who’s in charge?”

Girl: “Muh… mommy.”

(Dad’s anger lasted less than a half-second after that. He slumped and wordlessly handed me his credit card with a look of defeat and resignation.)

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Remember Remember, Dismember Or Distemper

, , , , , | Right | April 25, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pet Clinic]. How may I help you today?”

Client: “My dog is due for its dismemberment shot.”

Me: “Distemper? We can set up an appointment for that.”

Client: “Yes, dismemberment. I need my dog to get his dismemberment shot.”

Me: “Distemper.”

Client: “How much is the dismemberment shot?”

Me: “The distemper vaccine is [vaccine]. Would you like to set up an appointment for your dog to receive the distemper vaccine?”

Client: “Yes, please. I would like you to dismember my dog.”

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