Me: “Hi, this is [Restaurant] by [College]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to place a to-go order.”

Me: “All right.”

(I take the order. When it is ready, I take it to the to-go area. Then, the phone rings.)

Me: “Hi, this is [Restaurant] by [College]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, we just came, and there was no one at the to-go area.”

Me: “Oh, I left my station for a few minutes to get y’all’s order. It’s here for whenever you’re ready to pick it up; I shouldn’t be leaving anytime soon.”

Customer: “Well, we’re at the gas station now, so we’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Me: “All right.”

(I don’t leave the station for the next ten minutes. Then, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Hi, this is [Restaurant] by [College]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Is this the [Restaurant] at [Location at other side of town]?”

Me: *sighs* “No, ma’am; this is the one by [College].”

Customer: “Okay, forget it. I don’t want to drive that far!”

(The order wasn’t claimed, so I had steak for dinner!)

(My in-laws are visiting and my mother-in-law comments on my new purse, so I show it to her.)

Me: “You like it? I made it myself.”

Mother-In-Law: “Wow, that’s really nice! Where’d you get it?”

Husband: “Mom, she just told you that she made it.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh? All I caught was, ‘See my new purse.’”

(I fight the urge to roll my eyes because that is NOT what I just said. She looks over the purse then looks at me.)

Mother-In-Law: “Can you teach me to sew? I have a sewing machine, but I don’t have the book for it. It was secondhand and the person who gave it to me lost it, so I don’t know how it works.”

Me: “Sure, if you bring it over one day I’ll see what kind of machine it is and look up the manual online. We could probably find one for free or very cheap.”

Mother-In-Law: “Okay. Then you can show me how to sew a purse like that, right?”

Me: *shakes head* “No, you should start with something simple, like a pillowcase or simple skirt, just to get the hang of it. This purse isn’t a beginner project, but we can find you a beginner’s purse pattern.”

Mother-In-Law: *scoffs* “If you can make it, how hard can it be?”

Husband: “That’s not very nice, Mom.”

Mother-In-Law: *feigning innocence* “What do you mean? She’s obviously new to this herself.”

Me: *calmly as possible* “No, I’m not. I’ve been sewing since I was 14 years old, and I am now 28, so I’ve been doing this for half my life. The pattern I used for this purse says that it is not recommended for beginners. After you have made a few simpler projects, I can help you make a purse like this in whatever fabric you like.”

Mother-In-Law: *sighs* “Well, I guess I could do that, then. Just let me know when you can teach me.”

(I don’t think I will have the time to teach her. Ever.)

(I’m standing in line with my toddler. There are a couple of young men behind me, who look to be in their late teens or early twenties, talking and joking with each other.)

Guy #1: *very loudly, leaning slightly toward me* “Y’know, some people don’t even look old enough to be parents, [Guy #2].”

Me: *turns around* “Well, I’m twenty-eight, so…”

(I turn back around, and the first guy stammers a bit while the other one laughs.)

Guy #2: “Haha! Serves you right!” *pause* “Oh, my God, dude, you’re turning so red right now!”

(Hopefully that will teach him to mind his own business.)

(My husband and I are BLESSED with a very calm toddler. His calmness often worries people, usually strangers. One day while I’m out shopping with him, my toddler decides he wants to open a box of crackers while I’m browsing.)

Me: *taking the box away from him* “No, no. We don’t open things before they’re paid for, sir.”

Toddler: *whines and reaches for the box* “Mama!”

(At this point his face pinches up like he’s going to cry but I know he’s not going to do it so I shake my head at him.)

Me: *puts the box back in the cart’s basket* “No, that doesn’t work with me. You just ate before we came to the store, so you are not going to starve.”

(My toddler proceeds to very calmly jabber at me as if he’s trying to argue with me, but I keep telling him, “no,” and he finally shakes his head and goes back to playing with his stuffed animal. At this point, I realize that a woman is staring at us with a shocked look on her face.)

Woman #1: *awed* “I just knew he was going to have a meltdown, but he never did. How did you get him to act like that?”

Me: *shrugs* “He’s always been like that. He’s never actually thrown a tantrum, either.” *laughs* “My husband likes to joke that we’ve got a defective kid because he’s so well-behaved for his age.”

(The woman laughs and I hear a loud “harrumph” behind me so I turn around to find another woman glaring at us.)

Woman #2: *accusing tone* “You should be ashamed of yourself! Your son is obviously autistic or has something else wrong, and you’re making fun of him by calling him defective!”

Me: *rolls eyes* “No, ma’am, he does not exhibit any signs of autism or any other disorders. If you must know, his pediatrician says he is in good health and is a very happy and average toddler, and that he is calm because my husband and I are calm. Kids learn by example.”

Woman #1: “Yeah, which means if you have any kids, they’re probably rude little a**holes just like you.”

([Woman #2] stomped off in a huff and [Woman #1] and I shook our heads before wishing each other a nice day and returning to our shopping.)

(My husband’s sister is obnoxious. She’s always better than you at just about everything, or thinks she knows more about a subject than you. Note that she is woman in her 30s, not a child, so it is in no way endearing. One day while visiting my in-laws, she’s there, and I mention to the nephews that I’m thinking of learning Klingon.)

Nephew #1: “Oh, cool! It’d be really awesome to be able to do that.”

Nephew #2: “You could put stuff on a t-shirt in Klingon and nobody would know what it said! It’d be so awesome!”

Sister-In-Law: *smugly* “I love Star Trek so much that I’m learning Klingon! It’s so easy that I’m nearly fluent!”

(I roll my eyes, knowing that she’s full of bull, but I decide to have a bit of fun with her.)

Me: “Then what’s a p’tak? I’ve heard it in several different series but never could figure out what it was.”

Sister-In-Law: *scoffs* “Oh, that’s an easy one! It means ‘friend.'”

(I cough to hide my laughter, as does my husband, because we know that it does NOT mean ‘friend.’ The nephews even shake their head at her in disbelief.)

Me: “Are you sure? I’d hate to accidentally insult someone by calling them a p’tak. I don’t think it means ‘friend.’”

Sister-In-Law: *snottily* “Yes, it means ‘friend.’ You must not be much of a fan if you think it means anything else.”

(In her arrogance, my sister-in-law smiled proudly at what she thought was the greatest compliment. Any casual Trek fan knows that ‘p’tak’ is an insult by the context in which it is used in the show.)