(My company switched their ordering system this year to large shipments every other month instead of regular shipments every month. Because of this, we can sometimes run out of popular candy in the last week or so before the shipment comes in.)

Customer: “What?! You’re out of [Popular Candy #1] and [Popular Candy #2]?! I’ve got to talk to a manager! Are you the manager?”

Me: *shrugging* “I’m the associate manager.”

Customer: “Well, now we’ve got to fight.”

Me: “Okay. Put ’em up!”

(I start “threatening” the customer by waving my fists at her cartoonishly. She laughs, but then accidentally knocks over a box of lollipops, spilling them on the floor.)

Me: “Oh, now we’ve really got to fight!”

(We didn’t fight, but she did buy a couple of lollipops.)

(By some miracle, I find myself in a polite, intelligent, and coherent conversation regarding gun control. The topic drifts into people overreacting to seeing the words “gun control” at all, and then on to terrible gun jokes, such as how “AK” and “AR” mean the guns are from Alaska and Arkansas. A new person enters the chat room.)

Me: “That’s why gun control is so important; it keeps geography intact!”

New Person: “Not this f****** conversation again!”

(He promptly exited the chat room as we went back to laughing about people overreacting to seeing the words “gun control” at all.)

Customer: “Where are your bags?”

Me: “Middle shelf, next to the boxes.”

(The customer reaches for the top shelf of boxes.)

Me: “MIDDLE shelf, next to the boxes.”

(The customer moves their hand to the middle shelf of boxes.)

Me: “NEXT TO the boxes.”

(The customer moves their hand to the bottom shelf of boxes.)

Me: “MIDDLE shelf, NEXT TO the boxes.”

(The customer moves their hand back to the middle shelf of boxes, then hovers it the opposite direction of the bags.)

Me: “Other direction.”

(The customer turns and walks away from the boxes and bags entirely.)

Me: “Let me just grab one for you.”

(There are days when I have to go through this with multiple customers. And then there’s days where I’ll point at the bags on one shelf and the customer will successfully retrieve one from a different shelf.)

(I was a pre-teen when my family became friends with several families who recently moved to Louisiana from Iran to escape religious persecution. Many years later, I still remember the best lesson I ever got about the differences between our cultures.)

Adult Iranian Friend: “A couple of Americans set up a business meeting around noon with a couple of Persian friends of mine. My friends didn’t eat before they arrived, but when they got there, there was no food laid out. The Americans greeted them warmly but said, ‘We haven’t actually had lunch yet, so we were wondering if you would mind if we ate during the meeting?’ My friends graciously said, ‘No, not at all.’ The Americans then ate their food in front of my friends, completely unaware that my friends watched them hungrily the whole time. My friends learned that they should always eat before going to any meeting with Americans.”

Me: *confused* “Well, yeah? I mean, the Americans weren’t required to feed them. And they apologized, and your friends said it was okay, so they weren’t doing anything wrong.”

Adult Iranian Friend: “Yes, but in my culture, food would have been offered, and it would have been rude to come to the meeting on a full stomach.”

Me: “But your friends weren’t friends with the Americans, were they? Why would the Americans have to feed them? They’re not required to.”

(After a bit more discussion, I finally understood: Americans will schedule meetings through mealtimes and expect acquaintances to rearrange the rest of their day around those meetings and provide food for themselves. Americans may offer a drink or a snack to guests, but they rarely offer more than that to someone they don’t consider a close friend. These were things I’d grown up thinking everyone did. But instead, as I came to learn through regular interactions with my Persian friends, they will feed guests full meals at pretty much every opportunity, and this is completely normal for them. I’m American and I find cooking meals for other people both exhausting and expensive, so I don’t recommend following that Persian custom unless you have time, energy, and funds. But be aware that your Persian guests may have expectations that are different than you’re used to, and be sure to plan your meetings with them accordingly.)

(A teenage boy of about fourteen or fifteen comes out of the bathroom and approaches me.)

Boy: “Um, ma’am, there’s a problem in the bathroom.”

Me: “Okay, let me take a look.”

(I am thinking I’ll just have to plunge or something. I walk in, and my eyes grow wide. The entire floor is covered in poo water. A HUGE ball of paper towels full of poo has clogged the entire toilet — not just the drain, the whole bowl — and some is hanging out of the toilet. Several more pieces of paper towel are strewn on the floor. The empty paper towel roll is laid on the counter. Yes, there is an ENTIRE ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS in the toilet.)

Me: “What happened?”

Boy: “Well, there wasn’t a lot of toilet paper left, so I tried to use the paper towels.”

Me: “You needed that many paper towels to take care of yourself?”

Boy: “No. I mean, I used the first bit, but then it wouldn’t flush down, so then I just kept shoving more in there thinking it would fix it. I’m really sorry; this is so nasty.”

(I look at him, and then, in silence, I walk out and fetch his mom. I bring her into the bathroom to take a look. She peeks in, and as she does, the boy says:)

Boy: “I’m so sorry, Mom. I didn’t know what to do.”

Mom: *with a blank face she responded* “Oh, honey, it’s okay. Don’t be embarrassed; this happens.”

(In my mind, I’m screaming, “NO, IT DOESN’T! THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN. THIS IS NOT A THING PEOPLE DO. PEOPLE DO NOT SHOVE ENTIRE ROLLS OF PAPER TOWELS DOWN THE TOILET. THAT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT JUST ‘HAPPENS.’ WOULD YOU BE SAYING THAT TO HIM IF HE DID THIS AT HOME?!” But I keep my cool and I stay silent. The mom looks at me.)

Mom: “Okay, let’s go, Son. Or did you want to ask about that book?”

(I’m standing in a puddle of her son’s poo water, staring. The boy looks at me and says:)

Boy: “Oh, yeah. Do you have Bram Stoker’s Dracula?”

Me: *still staring* “No. No, I don’t have that one. Or any more paper towels.”

(The mom laughs. The boy laughs. I do not laugh.)

Mom: “Okay, have a nice afternoon!”

(The mom and boy walk out. I’m still standing in the middle of poo water in the bathroom. I stare at the mess around me, dumbfounded. I call my landlord and ask her to send a plumber over. I begin cleaning. The plumber arrives, and he gets to the bathroom, opens the toilet, and exclaims:)

Plumber: “OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?! THIS COULD CLOG A SEWER! THIS IS NOT TOILET PAPER!”

(Yes, yes, I know. $95 and two hours of cleaning later… Moral of the story: I now understand why there are signs in public restrooms stating, “Do not flush anything down the toilet that isn’t toilet paper.” We’ve removed all paper towels, napkins, and hand towels from the bathroom and put them outside.)