(I’ve been told I have a sultry phone voice since I was seventeen. Working as a dispatcher for a cable company, I call multiple customers during the day to let them know a technician is coming to their home, or to verify that service is working again.)

Me: “Ma’am, this is [My Name] with [Company], calling to let you know the tech is ready to come out to your home.”

Customer: “Oh, no, it’s working fine now; he doesn’t need to come out.”

(As I’m closing out her trouble ticket and entering the information on her account, we make small talk. At the end of the call.)

Customer: “Can I tell you something without offending you?”

Me: “Well, there’s only one way to find out!”

Customer: “Your voice is completely wasted on this job.”

Me: *laughing* “I don’t know whether to thank you or not.”

Customer: “You should be working for one of those 900 numbers. Your voice is fantastic!”

(It should be noted that I’ve been a phone sex operator for three years now. Thanks for the career advice, ma’am!)

(As I’m 17 now, my dad and I have to go in to get me a new passport. While we’re waiting for our turn, a couple comes in with their son and daughter who look to be about ten and six years old respectively. Naturally, after waiting a bit, the little girl becomes really antsy so her mom gives her her — meaning the mother’s — passport form to keep the girl busy.)

Girl: “Mama, your paper’s wrong! It says you have brown hair.”

Mom: *laughing* “Well, what is supposed to say?”

Girl: “Gray!”

Mom: “…”

(I struggled so hard to hide my laughter, that poor lady.)

(I’m a hostess at a sushi restaurant, and one of my jobs is to take to-go orders over the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a to-go order.”

Me: “Okay, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Two tech rolls, three California rolls, two crunchy rolls, and a bottle of pinot noir.”

Me: “Sir, we can’t sell wine with to-go orders.”

Customer: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN’T SELL WINE WITH TO GO ORDERS?!” *chuckles* “Actually, I knew you couldn’t; I just figured I would try.”

(One night at work, we have a party of fifty-ish people coming in. We are a very small restaurant — ten tables and a sushi bar — but we don’t take private parties, so we try to accommodate them on top of our usual Friday-night crowd. They are still there taking up the majority of the tables when a couple comes in at the end of the night, like five minutes before we close.)

Me: “Hi. Welcome to [Restaurant]. Will it just be two tonight?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

Me: “All right, you guys will just be right over here.” *takes them to their table, which happens to be the closest to the door but also the only thing open*

Customer: “Uh, absolutely not. I refuse to sit here. I want to sit further in!”

Me: *gestures towards the crowd of people at the other end of the restaurant* “I’m sorry, sir, but those tables are full.”

Customer: “That’s f****** ridiculous; I’m going to look for another table down there!” *stomps off into the crowd*

(At this point, some of the big party left so there are two open tables, but I couldn’t see this past the crowd and they aren’t clean.)

Customer: *stomps back over to me* “THERE ARE TWO F****** TABLES OPEN! I DEMAND THAT YOU SIT ME AT ONE OF THOSE!”

Me: “Sure, sir, it’ll just be a minute for us to clean one of them off for you.” *sends another hostess to clean and set the table*

Customer: *stares at her until it’s clean and then sits without being told anything else*

(The big party all gets up and leaves and I see him walking to the front again. All I can think is, “Great. What does this jack*** want now?”)

Customer: “Thank you for doing that for me, darlin.’” *slips $40 into my hand* “I just really don’t like that table.”

(Such a weird night.)

(I work stock at a big box chain. It isn’t even Thanksgiving yet, but we are putting out Christmas decor. A woman approaches me, livid.)

Customer: “You’re out of the giant reindeer! I need those!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sure we’ll get some more. It’s still early.”

Customer: “You’d better!”

(Nothing like working retail to ruin holidays for you.)