When Matter Doesn’t Matter

, , , , , , | Right | August 11, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have Gatorade?”

Me: “No, but we do have Powerade.”

Customer: “Does it have electrons in it?”

Me: “No, do you mean electrolytes?”

Customer: “No, electrons.”

Me: “I hope so.”

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Sometimes The Customer Is Right About Being Wrong

, , , , , | Right | May 20, 2010

Me: “Hi, I’m calling from [Company] verifying that you are looking for information on a loan modification.”

Caller: “I was, until I found out you couldn’t help me.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not sure why you think that. We have been able to help lots of people. If you would like, I can connect you with a counselor who will be able to let you know what can be done.”

Caller: “You can’t do anything for me.”

Me: “I can assure you that there is something we can do. At least we can provide you with some information.”

Caller: “You can’t do anything unless you are able to invade the Chinese.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “The only way you can help me is by invading the Chinese.”

Me: “Well, sir, I think you are right. I don’t think there is anything we can do for you. Have a nice day.”


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Safe To Assume There Are No Insecurities Here

, , , , | Right | May 3, 2010

(After taking the customers name, phone number, credit card info:)

Me: “To finish creating your account, I need an answer to a reminder question. In what city were you born?”

Customer: “That is way too personal.”

Me: “Okay. We have a few other questions. What is your pet’s name? What is your favorite television show? What is your favorite pastime?”

Customer: “Ask me my favorite pastime.”

Me: “What is your favorite pastime?”

Customer: “Making loooooooove.”

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The Wisdom To Know The Difference

, , , , , , , | Right | March 1, 2010

(I’m with my wife at a well known fast food place, and they employ a young man with special needs who we both know and are very friendly with. An angry customer accosts him at the register.)

Customer: “S***, they’re taking so f***ing long with my food!”

Employee: “Just a sec, sir…”

Customer: “You’d better!”

(Not three minutes later, the employee comes with the customer’s food.)

Employee: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “Where’s the f****** ranch?”

Employee: “Right away, sir!”

Customer: “No, forget it! You’ll probably slobber all over it!”

Wife: “Excuse me, sir, but this young man is doing his job. He’s not doing anything to hurt you, so how about you shut the f*** up!”

Customer: “F*** you, fat a**!”

Employee: “She’s a nice lady! There’s a baby inside her, and she’s not fat!”

Customer: “F*** you!” *storms out, upsetting some chairs*

Wife: *to the employee* “People are so mean to you, honey. I’m so sorry, I can’t believe he said that to you, that a**hole!”

Employee: *grinning* “Don’t worry about it, Jesus and my mama still love me!” *walks away, the happiest man on earth*

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Scents & Senseless Abilities

, , , , | Right | February 23, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me! Hey, I need to buy a perfume!”

Me: “All right, what kind of fragrance were you looking for?”

Customer: “No, you aren’t listening. I need to buy a perfume and I don’t see them anywhere. You’re supposed to sell perfume here!”

Me: “Well, there are a large selection of perfumes on every shelf in the store.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “Everywhere.”

Customer: “But I don’t see them!”

Me: “If that’s true, then I’m not sure how I can help you.”

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