Schooling Them On Your Schooling

, , , , | Friendly | August 14, 2017

(I am a 20-year-old female. I am 4’11” and 100 pounds… the same exact height and weight I was when I was 12. I’m also an actor, and since I’m young-looking I book roles frequently for teenagers and preteens. I have booked a role for a show that takes place at a high school. They need me on a day they are filming at a museum because they are shooting a field trip scene. I drive to the museum, park in the section that they bought for the day for the production, and walk into the main square. Apparently several middle schools are having actual field trips so there are tons of students and chaperones. I see no sign of a TV crew. I walk up to the first woman I see.)

Me: “Hey, do you know where the production for [Show] is?”

Woman: *looks very confused* “What? What school are you from?”

(I realized that I am being mistaken for a teenager and not an adult. I smile.)

Me: “Oh. Haha, no, I’m not here with a school. I booked a role for a show and they’re filming here today. I just don’t know where they are.”

Woman: *scowls, clearly not believing me* “Look, I’m not here to play games. Go get back in line with your group. Who is your chaperone?”

(I sigh and start to walk away because I don’t deal well with people who don’t listen.)

Woman: “Hey, don’t just walk away! Go to your line!”

Me: “I am 20 f****** years old, and I’m here today to play a student for a major show for Hulu. Sorry you don’t listen to other adults when they talk to you. I’m not a god-d*** minor, so piss off.”

(Instant regret flashed over her face as she tried to come up with a response. Later that day she saw us filming on the other side of a large room and we made eye contact. It was awkward.)

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Asking On The Cuff

, , , , , | Right | August 8, 2017

(The phone rings.)

Manager: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [Manager]. How can I help you?”

Female Caller: “A man is going to call you and ask if you sell handcuffs. Tell him you don’t.”

(About two hours later, the phone rings again.)

Male Caller: “Hey, um, do you sell handcuffs?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Male Caller: “I’m parked in the back. If I give you my card, could you bring me the handcuff keys?”

(My manager went into the back parking lot to find that this guy had been handcuffed to his steering wheel. Instead of making him pay for handcuffs, my manager pulled out his key and unlocked them. Not only had this woman gotten mad enough to handcuff him to the steering wheel, she called every adult store in the area to tell them not to sell him keys. Hell hath no fury…)

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The Honor Is All Hers

, , , , | Related | July 14, 2017

(My younger sister is playing video games at home. She has just finished crushing someone in a fight.)

Sister: *laughing maniacally* “Ha-ha, I have WON AGAIN!”

Sister: *listening to other players*

Sister: *to other players* “But it’s an honor to lose to me!”

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The Ocarina Of Crime

, , , , | Working | May 12, 2016

(We’ve been receiving a LOT of scam and spam calls on our landline, despite the number being on the Do Not Call list.)

Me: *picks up* “Hello?”

Caller: *has a very heavy Indian accent* “Miss? I am calling from the Internal Revenue Service about penalties on your—”

Me: *howls with laughter* “F*** you, I work for a tax firm. I know the IRS doesn’t cold call about penalties.” *hangs up*

(Almost as soon as I’ve hung up, the phone rings again. ID shows it’s coming from the same number.)

Caller: *attempting to sound intimidating* “Listen here, you will be in very much trouble with the IRS. This is not a joke—”

(I laugh even more loudly and obnoxiously than I did the first time and hang up on him again. Almost immediately, the phone starts to ring a third time from the same number. Fed up with this belligerent scammer, I grab my replica Legend of Zelda ocarina off my desk before I pick up the phone.)

Caller: “STOP HANGING UP ON ME, YOU STUPID B—”

(He stopped calling after I responded with a very loud and sustained blast of the most ear-piercingly high pitched shriek of a note the ocarina could produce straight into the phone speaker.)

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Sherlock Hemlock Solves The Case

, , , , , | Right | July 4, 2014

(I am the customer in this story. It’s New Year’s Day and my mom’s family has a tradition where one cooks ham hocks and beans for good luck. I’m at the store and can’t find the ham hock.)

Me: “Excuse me.”

Employee: “Yes?”

Me: “Can you tell me where to find the hemlock please?”

Employee: “What?”

Me: “The hemlock.”

Employee: *pause* “What do you need it for?”

Me: “Oh, my family is coming over today and my mom is going to put it in beans.”

Employee: “Could you describe it for me?”

Me: “Um, it’s a part of a pig, attached to the leg—”

Employee: “Ham hock! Right this way.”

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