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Daughter Of The Year

, , , , , | Related | June 12, 2021

My parents have decided to get divorced, and while they haven’t signed the papers yet, they’re living separately. It’s their anniversary today, and I see that my sister sent this to our family chat.

Sister: “Happy twenty-second and final anniversary, Mom and Dad!”

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He Wasn’t Corn-Fed Bred, Part 2

, , , , | Right | June 3, 2021

Customer: “What’s the difference between these bags of chips?”

Me: “The bag on the left is tortilla chips. The bag on the right is potato chips.”

Customer: “Right. I know that. But what’s the difference between potato chips and tortilla chips?”

I almost short-circuited.

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She Made A Special Trip So Demands Special Treatment

, , , , , | Right | April 26, 2021

While pushing my cart through the aisles, I heard a woman screaming for a manager at the top of her lungs. I saw the woman standing at the deli counter, which was obviously closed; the lights were off, no food in the cases, nothing. She stood there for several minutes, screaming for someone to come serve her, because “she’d made a special trip.”  

Eventually, an employee emerged from the back and told her the deli counter had closed half an hour before. She continued to yell abuse at him until he finally went in the back and returned with what she wanted to buy.

I felt so sorry for that guy and kind of wished he’d felt free to tell the lady to take a hike.

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Will Require A Medium To Figure Out What He Wants

, , , , | Right | March 15, 2021

I work at a donut shop that is more well known for its drinks. I am at the register taking orders while my coworker is in the back washing the dishes to prepare for closing. A customer walks up to me.

Me: “Hello! What can I get for you tonight?”

Customer: “I’ll get an original hot chocolate with no whipped cream.”

Me: “Perfect! What size would you like?”

Customer: “Original.”

We have our sizes listed above the register, for both our cold and hot drinks. They are both clearly labeled.

Me: “I apologize, sir, what size would you like?”

Customer: “Original.”

I’m getting frustrated as I can’t read minds.

Me: “What size, sir?”

The customer glares at me.

Customer’s Wife: “What size, honey?” 

Customer: “Regular.”

I finally got it out of him that he wanted a medium.

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How To Start A Pillow Fight In Six Words Or Less

, , , , , | Romantic | February 28, 2021

My family is taking a redeye flight across the country. The plane has a two-five-two seating configuration and I am sitting on the side with our older daughter while my wife sits directly behind us with our younger girl.

When I sit down, I look around for pillows and can’t find any, so I call a flight attendant.

Me: “Are there any more pillows available?”

Attendant: “I’m sorry, sir, but they are all given out.”

At this point, my spouse leans forward with her pillow and offers it.

Attendant: “This lady said you can have this one.”

Me: *Without hesitation* “That’s no lady; that’s my wife.”

Attendant: *To my spouse* “He’s been waiting forever to use that, hasn’t he?”

It took me several years to live that one down.

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