This Situation Is Getting Real(ty) Now

, , , , , , | Right | April 22, 2020

I am a realtor. It is in the middle of everyone social distancing and staying at home, and obviously, business is very slow. I am reduced to doing paperwork from home when my boss sends me this gem.

Boss: “So, I have amended our closing script when showing houses in the near future.”

Me: “What is it?”

Boss: “’Can you see yourself being quarantined here?’”

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What A Costa Mess-a

, , , , , | Right | April 21, 2020

I work in a children’s toy store in Los Angeles. A customer calls in at one of our locations for a so-called “blind box” item.

Customer: “I’m looking for [item] but can’t find it anywhere; do you guys carry it?”

Me: “I don’t have any in stock at this location, but let me check our inventory.” *Checks* “We only have the item at our Santa Monica store.”

Customer: “Oh, um, I’m in Orange County, though. That’s too far. I collect these and I need three. Is there any way we can have them sent to me?”

Me: “Well, our shipping is quite expensive, but we have a store in Costa Mesa. I can have the item shipped there at no cost to you, if I can get your name and number.”

Customer: “Oh, why do you need that? Can’t you just tell me when they come in?”

Me: “Ma’am, we take your name and number so that we can call you and tell you when the item comes in. What’s your name?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s [Customer]. But do I have to give you my number? Can you just post it on your Facebook?”

Me: “No, ma’am. Our Facebook page is for store advertisements and weekly sale announcements. We conduct no other business through that channel, only online or in person. But, as I said, we only have this item at one store so I would have to have it transferred for you. What was your telephone number?”

Customer: “Um… I’m not sure I want to give you that information. I don’t want to get spam calls or emails from you.”

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you. We do not make phone calls to advertise; we would only have an employee call you to let you know when your item has arrived at the Costa Mesa location so that you can pick it up.”

Customer: “Well, how do I know I’ll get the one I want, and when it’ll come in?”

Me: “It should be in this Wednesday, but it could take as long as a week or ten days to get in, as the Costa Mesa store receives their weekly shipments on Wednesday. Again, though, we absolutely would call you as soon as the item arrived at that store.”

Customer: “Okay, but I collect these and am only missing three. How do I know I’ll get the one I want?”

Me: “As you know, since you collect them, this item is what’s referred to as a ‘Blind Box,’ meaning there is no way of knowing which character you’ll get.”

Customer: “But I’ve seen the other [Brand] items at the Costa Mesa store. They display them.”

Me: “Yes, for the four-inch blind box figures, we often open them and put a limited number on display, for trade. However, with the keychains, we have no way to neatly display all of them so we only open one or two as samples, so people who don’t know what they are can check out what they’re buying.”

Customer: “So, why can new people see what they’re getting and not me? I collect them already.”

Facepalming, I roll my eyes and take a deep breath.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I think I misspoke. Other customers do not get to find out which ones they are buying. They are still blind boxes. They just get to see the one or two samples we put out. There is no way to discover which character is in which box.”

Customer: “But you said you display them, and I’ve seen it at the Costa Mesa store.”

Me: “Those are the four-inch blind boxes and we open them for ease of display. With the keychain blind-boxes, it is much more difficult to open and display them, so we don’t do that. However, did you still want me to have the item transferred to the location that is closer to you?”

Customer: “I guess so, but I’ve seen them displayed there. It’s funny you wouldn’t display them there, too.”

Me: “I don’t have any of that item in stock, ma’am. I’ve never displayed any of them here. But let me get your telephone number, and I will put that order through for you so that you can pick up the item when it’s in.”

Customer: “No. I’ll just check later this week at Costa Mesa, thank you.”

Me: “Ma’am, that store doesn’t have any of that item in stock. I would have to have it transferred in your name as a customer request to guarantee you get the item.”

Customer: “They get shipments, don’t they?”

Me: “Yes, on Wednesdays, but sometimes it takes longer to get some items to certain of our stores because of the distance from our warehouse and the limited number of delivery vans that we employ. The only way to guarantee the item gets in by this, or possibly next, Wednesday is to have the item transferred from our store in Santa Monica, in your name.”

Customer: “Okay, then, do that.”

Me: “All right, [Customer], let’s go ahead and get your telephone number and I will call Santa Monica to have them complete the order!”

Customer: “I don’t want spam phone calls; I know how telemarketing works. Thanks, anyway.”

The customer hung up. I howled in frustration.

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A Depressing Misunderstanding

, , , , , | Healthy | April 7, 2020

I’ve recently started antidepressants, and a nurse calls me a few days later to check on me.

Nurse: “How are you feeling? Are the meds working for you?”

Me: “A bit better, but I’m still taking stock.”

Nurse: “What was that?”

Me: “I’m taking stock? To see if I feel better?”

Nurse: “You shouldn’t be doing that.”

Me: “What? Why not?”

Nurse: “You shouldn’t be taking anything not prescribed by your doctor.”

Me: “But I’m taking stock; it’s just an idiom. Because I’m not sure yet whether the medicine is working.”

Nurse: “Would you like me to have the pharmacy give you a call?”

Me: “That would probably help. Thank you.”

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The Cry Baby Here Isn’t The Baby

, , , , , | Right | April 4, 2020

(I am working at the circulation desk at the library when a woman comes up with a stack of VHS tapes that she wants to check out for her son, who looks to be about three. As part of the checkout, we open the boxes and make sure that the videos match the box. 

One of the videos doesn’t match the box, so I tell the mom I won’t be able to check that one out to her.)

Mom: “But he’ll cry!”

(Wishing I could just tell her that the kid will only cry if SHE makes a big deal out of not getting the one video, I explain again that I cannot check out that video because it is not the one that is on the box.)

Mom: “But he’ll cry!”

(I offer to hang on to the videos while she goes and gets another one to replace the one I can’t check out.)

Mom: “But he’ll cry!”

(I start to point out that if her son really wants that video and it isn’t in the box… And then Mom shouts:)

Mom: “You don’t UNDERSTAND!”

(She shoved the whole pile of videos across the counter at me, grabbed the kid’s hand, and dragged him out. And yes, he cried.)

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We’re Afraid Of You, Too, Dude

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 25, 2020

(I am in line at a coffee shop. Behind me, there is a woman with a dog on a leash and behind her, there is a man using some type of walker. The man starts waving the walker at the dog, and the small dog backs away closer towards the woman.)

Man: “Look, your dog is afraid of it!” 

(He waves the walker at the dog a second time and again the dog backs up and hides behind the woman. The man laughs.)

Man: “Look, your dog is afraid of it!”

Woman: “Can you please stop doing that, then?”

Man: *explodes* “I am disabled! How dare you tell me what to do?”

(He goes into a screaming rant about all the medical issues he is experiencing.)

Woman: “I think you misunderstood; I just didn’t want you waving your walker at my dog.”

(Eventually, the man had to be escorted out by police because he was screaming at the top of his lungs about how the woman was discriminating against him and he hoped she ended up in a wheelchair one day.)

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