My father owns a check-cashing business in the 1970s, and my wife and I both help out at times. One afternoon, my wife is working the only open window. A woman comes to the window.

Woman: “You’re not going to cash my check, you b****!”

Normally, cursing at the employees will get you sent away. [Wife] is somewhat taken aback but decides to see what she can do. She answers the woman back in the same tone.

Wife: “How do you know I’m not going to cash your check? Give me that check!”

The woman hands her the check.

Wife: “Now give me your ID.”

The woman hands over her ID.

Wife: “I’m going to show you what I think of you! I’m going to cash your check! Sign here on the back!”

The woman picks up the check, signs, and hands it back again.

At this point, my father, who has been sitting in the back of the shop adding up yesterday’s accounts, notices the volume and comes up.

Father: “Is anything wrong?”

Wife: “No, nothing’s wrong.”

The customer agrees. [Wife] counts out the correct amount of money.

Wife: “There! See, I told you I could cash your check!”

The woman looks relieved.

Woman: “Thank you, I’ve had a really bad day and I guess I was just in a horrible mood when I came in. I feel so much better now.”

She smiled and went away. Another satisfied customer.

I work in a children’s shoe store. A male customer wearing a trench coat — not kidding — comes up to me.

Customer: “I’m looking for children’s rain boots.”

Me: “Sure. What size do you need?”

Customer: “Size?”

Me: “They come in different sizes, like adult shoes. How old is the child?”

Customer: “There is no child.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “It’s… for a prototype. I’m making… rain boots… for dogs.”

Me: “Okaaay. Big dogs? Small dogs?”

Customer: “Just bring me the smallest-sized child’s rain boot.”

I go in the back and bring out what he asks.

Me: “That’ll be $6.99.”

Customer: “I only need one.”

Me: “…”

There’s really no way to describe the creepy vibe this guy is giving off. The guy working with me is staring. He will later admit that the customer really creeped him out. The next day the customer returns with his single rainboot.

Customer: “I’d like to return this, please.”

Me: “NO WAY.”

Related:
If The Shoe Fits…, Part 11
If The Shoe Fits…, Part 10
If The Shoe Fits…, Part 9
If The Shoe Fits…, Part 8
If The Shoe Fits…, Part 7

I am a private tutor. To make math more fun for my students, I often play a modified version of a Pompeii-themed boardgame with them during our lessons. For every question they answer correctly, they get a certain number of moves — depending on the question’s difficulty — to help their pawns escape the city, which gets increasingly consumed by lava as the rounds continue. For every wrong answer, they forfeit their turn and I get to move my pawns instead. The person with the most escaped pawns by the end of the game is the “winner”.

To try to instill a habit of always checking their work, I’ve also created a rule that if they don’t read over their steps or at least double-check the question again when they get to their answer, I get to just take one of their pawns and pop it straight into the volcano in the corner of the board. I am brutal with this and it has worked tremendously well; I don’t usually have to punt a pawn into a volcano more than once or twice before double-checking their work becomes an automatic process. 

I am playing this game with one of my fourth-graders — age nine. After giving him a two-digit multiplication question, I look over and check his answer once he’s finished — and double-checked!

Me: “You missed something in your addition there. Check that last column again.”

Student: “What do you mean?”

Me: “That shouldn’t be a zero. Check it again.”

Student: “No, that’s a nine!”

I take the whiteboard back from him, at which point I can see that he indeed wrote a nine, not a zero; I missed the “tail” of the nine from the angle I was viewing it from and the fact that he’d written the answer right on the edge of the board. But he got the right answer, fair and square.

Me: “Whoops, you’re right. It is a nine. Sorry, I thought that was a zero. My bad.”

Without skipping a beat, the student wordlessly takes one of my pawns off the board, and, without breaking eye contact, puts it straight into the volcano.

Me: “…”

Student: *Deadpan* “You didn’t double-check.”

Okay, kiddo. You win this round!

This story is part of our Pi Day Math roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

10 Hilarious Stories About Customers With Terrible Math

Read the next Pi Day Math roundup story!

Read the Pi Day Math roundup!

This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

Read the next Best Of August 2020 story!

Read the Best Of August 2020 roundup!

I am in a gift store Christmas shopping and find the perfect T-shirt for my son. It has a picture of a TV remote control on the front and says, “It’s a man thing!” 

Me: *To a saleswoman* “I’d like one of these in an extra-large.”

The saleswoman calls across the busy store to a stock boy.

Saleswoman: “I need a ‘man thing’ in an extra-large!” 

A woman behind me in line speaks up.

Woman: “Don’t we all?” 

I volunteer for an organization that gives food, clothing, and doctor check-ups for those in need. Keep in mind that we only give food depending on family size to make it fair for everyone. Two women approach the window; they appear to be sisters.

Me: “Hi! Can I see your ticket, please?”

Woman #1: *Gives me the ticket* “Can we have an extra basket of food?”

Me: “I am sorry, but the food we give out depends on family size.”

Woman #1: “But I am an American; I deserve more food than these illegals.”

Me: “I am sorry, but it would not be fair for everyone else.”

Woman #1: “YOU—” *now pointing at me* “—and these illegals are taking away all my food; I want more food!”

[Woman #1]’s sister just stares at her, and then she speaks.

Woman #2: “Remember where you came from.”

[Woman #1] walked away with anger but embarrassment. [Woman #2] took the basket and thanked me.