Unfiltered Story #105981

, , | Unfiltered | February 24, 2018

(We are hosting a bris (a Jewish ceremony when baby boys are circumcised on their eighth day). Our newest coworker is (thoroughly unbeknownst) standing directly in front of the ‘soon-to-be-snipped’ for a moment during the reception. Our rabbi walks into the courtyard and exclaims:)

Rabbi: “Where’s this baby?! Oh, I see him right here.” *points at my coworker*

Coworker: “What was that?! Shouldn’t he be with the baby?”

Me: “He’s just joking that you’re the youngest of all of us.”

Coworker: “Maybe he WAS actually talking about the baby. It was right behind me…”

Me: “Well, you are basically the baby of this particular group.”

Coworker: “Newest, but not youngest.”

Me: *shuts the h*** up and takes the unintentional complement*

Unfiltered Story #105421

, , | Unfiltered | February 14, 2018

(I’m the idiot customer here. Well, not so much idiot as completely out of it. I’ve been adjusting my sleep schedule from waking up at 10 am to waking up at 6 am, and it’s not going so well.)

Me: *checking out* “G’morning.”

Checker: “Good morning. How are you today?”

Me: “A bit tired, not really awake yet.” *hands the bagger my cooler for the meat, but brainlessly forgets to hand her the bag for the vegetables – in LA county disposable plastic bags are illegal* “How are you today?”

Checker: “Good.”

Me: *zoning out watching the bagger bag the meat, and notices the bag has ripped* “Oh no, the bag ripped on the meat…”

Bagger: “I’ll get you a new one; I’ll be right back.” *runs off*

Checker: *finishes ringing me up* “Do you have a rewards card?”

Me: “Oh! Yes. Sorry. Did I mention I’m not very awake?” *finally remembers to take out wallet and pulls out both rewards card and debit card to pay*

(The bagger comes back while I’m paying, rebags the broken bag of meat in another bag and, finishes filling the cooler. There’s still vegetables and a couple containers of yogurt.)

Bagger: “Do you have another bag?”

Me: “Huh?” *realizes my other bag is still under my arm* “Oh! Yes. Sorry. Man, I need more coffee…”

Come As You Are, In A Shirt

, , , , | Romantic | February 11, 2018

(My husband and I decide to go out for breakfast, and this conversation happens while we’re seated outside, waiting for our food.)

Husband: “I can’t believe it. That kid was born at least a decade after Kurt’s death, and here he is, walking around in a Nirvana shirt. It’s absolutely shameful. He’s probably wearing that because he thinks it’s all retro and whatnot.”

(I let him dig himself as deep as he will go. As soon as his rant is over, I ask him a simple question.)

Me: “So, who’s that on your shirt, again? And when did he die?”

(He was wearing a Che Guevara shirt. He died 20 years before my husband was born.)

Washing Your Hands Of Him

, , , , , | Right | January 31, 2018

(It’s the opening night at a brand new location of an upscale movie theater chain in Los Angeles. A colleague and I are working customer service. An enraged man with a stain on his shirt confronts my colleague.)

Customer: “I demand that you reimburse me for this shirt!”

Colleague: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I spilled ketchup on my shirt during the movie, and I demand that you reimburse me! The shirt is ruined! I tried washing it off, but none of the taps in your bathrooms work!”

(He goes off into an profanity-laced rant, and my colleague is letting it get to her. I interrupt his tirade.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Maybe you could show me the taps?”

(We walk off to the restroom, which has about 15 taps in a row.)

Me: “So, none of these are working?”

Customer: “Yeah, there’s no running water in here. You people make me sick!”

(The faucets are operated by a photocell, so I try one out and, of course, it works perfectly.)

Me: “You see these red things on the taps, sir? Just put your hand in front of them and water will come out.”

(I proceeded to do this with all fifteen taps while the customer just stood there with his mouth open. He muttered something under his breath, exited the restroom, and RAN though the main hall and out the door. I normally don’t like to humiliate people who are having a dumb moment, but he was being a real a**hole to my colleague.)

Flipping Out Over This

, , , | Healthy | January 1, 2018

(I accidentally remove most of the tip of my middle finger with a gardening tool and am getting fixed up in the ER.)

Nurse: “There you go. Would you like me to tape your middle finger to the one next to it?”

Me: “Um, no. Why would you?”

Nurse: “Well, sometimes with a injury to the middle finger people ask us to tape an adjacent finger too so that they don’t inadvertently flip other people off.”

Me: “Are you kidding? This is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for!”

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