(I’m swapping silly “I love yous” with my significant other:)

Me: “Also, I earths you.”

Me: “…and moons…”

Me: “…and other assorted celestial bodies.”

Significant Other: “You moons me?”

Me: “Uh… that was maybe poorly phrased.”

(I have a girlfriend whom I only get to see about once a month due to distance. When together, one of the things we do is catch up on “The Big Bang Theory” on the DVR. Usually, I “drive” the remote and fast-forward through the commercials, trying to hit “play” again right before the show resumes. Often there’s a pattern to what types of commercials happen in what order, but this pattern has apparently recently changed, and so I’m not hitting “play” in the right places.)

Me: “Usually, I can hit the end of the commercials right on, but it seems like they’ve changed the pattern they use to program them. That’s not right.”

(Pause.)

Me: “I just sounded disturbingly like Sheldon right now, didn’t I?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, and I’m ignoring you just like Leonard.”

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(I meet a guy through a popular online dating website. We meet up for coffee, and we “click” and have a great time. Unfortunately, around the time we meet, I am getting ready to travel out of state for six weeks. We exchange cell phone numbers and text regularly about life, silly stuff, and our mutual enjoyment of cute animals. We also exchange flirty, though not terribly explicit, texts that hint at all the fun we will have when I get back.)

Guy: “I could always help you out with that… if you ever need someone to be helpful with taking care of yourself.”

Me: “Oooooh, yes. How will I ever find a way to repay you for helping me?”

Guy: “I’m sure we can come up with something. I enjoy many forms of being helped.”

Me: “I can’t wait to get back.”

Guy: “No, wait. I KNOW! I WANT A BABY POLAR BEAR!”

Me: “…”

Guy: “IT’S SO CUTE! YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.”

(When I got back, I gave him a little stuffed polar bear but told him that he wasn’t allowed to be distracted by it when we’re being intimate. We started dating and have been together for two years. So far, no polar bears have interrupted our “helping” of each other.)

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(My boyfriend and I met in college and have been together for six months. However, we’re currently on summer break and about a thousand miles away from each other. He’s studying physics and I’m studying theatre.)

Me: “We should get those long-distance pillow things.”

Boyfriend: “I don’t know, those are a little weird. I’d feel weird having a robot hug me or just listening to a pillow’s heartbeat.”

Me: “Yeah, I guess I can understand that.”

Boyfriend: “It’s all right. I’m an oscillating dipole and I’m bombarding you with love rays!”

Me: “Thanks, I think? You do know I’m an arts student who only took basic levels of high school physics, right?”

Boyfriend: “So? They’re non-ionizing love rays!”

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